Saturday is Magic

There’s something special about Saturdays. This morning I woke and it was raining. Rain meant there would be no Easter Egg hunt downtown. No Easter egg hung meant we had exactly nothing we needed to do today.

Lucy was up around six and snoozing again by quarter after. I laid in bed and listened to the rain and the wind chime. And for Emily. I heard her knocking around upstairs no later than seven. I have never met a kid that take so little pleasure in hanging around in her pajamas. Fully dressed and accessorized she came banging down the stairs with her new bean bag to set up Saturday morning camp. I heard her move the foot stool and kick the tv on.

Into the kitchen she went to get breakfast. I can remember those mornings when I was old enough to make some weird snack for myself. It was exciting to be all alone in the kitchen. Later in the day I pieced together (through careful examination of the countertops) that she’d made cheese quesadillas in the microwave.

We got moving eventually and went out to get Em a new soccer ball. Home by noon. Grilled cheese sandwiches and cat naps all around. Emily left us on the couch in favor of her caterpillar fort eventually.

The grass was mowed. For the first time since we moved in. I haven’t pushed a lawnmower since I left the beach. Four years. You might think only a new homeowner relishes mowing the grass. But that’s not so. There is sweat. And order. And straight lines. And immediate gratification. So many things I find pleasure in.


I thought the day couldn’t get any sweeter. I took a shower. My second of the day, which as a mother of a newborn is cause for celebration.

I thought we would wrap up Saturday much like the week had been. Simple. The kind of Saturday I hope to repeat as often as possible through the years.

When Em ran in the house she stopped at the carpet of the living room. Taking off her shoes she was grinning like a fool.

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At long last! A loose tooth. This week’s trip to the orthodontist revealed we’d quite likely be making an appointment soon to have her two front teeth on the bottom pulled out. It seemed at least one of them was planning on coming out on its own.

As a little girl I loved a wiggly tooth. I’d flip that tooth with my tongue for days, until it was hanging by a thread. But I guess when you are six years, seven months and two weeks old before you get a loose tooth you can’t wait any longer.

Three hours later Em came running downstairs. The tooth fairy will be at our house tonight. For the very first time.

20120331-184234.jpgYou can have Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I’ll take the tooth fairy. Trading a little bitty baby tooth for a moment of magic. That magic is a silver dollar in our house. She will find it in her tooth pillow and put it somewhere for safe keeping.

Emily has a jewelry box in her room. The kind with a ballerina inside. Tomorrow she will place a silver dollar in her jewelry box. Late tonight I will put a baby tooth in the very back of mine.

Turns out this was no ordinary Saturday.

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This Week in Pictures

I learned a few things this week.  Some of them more interesting than others.  MQD sent me one of his texts that ordinarily send me on a wild emotional ride.  The kind that start with “I would appreciate it if you would stop XYZ.”   They typically make me defensive and cry-y for a day or two but this week I had an a-ha moment.   I just listened and absorbed.  Put myself in his shoes and realized I am kind of a pain in the ass sometimes.  So, there was that.

Em started soccer and went to the orthodontist.  MQD and I  got our shit together and met with a friend to get our life insurance policies squared away.  Somehow that combination of events made me feel like a real Grown Up.

A lot happened.  And nothing happened.  It was a week, a regular week as a family  where nothing crazy happened.  No big life changing thought processing.  No crying jags.  I don’t know what happened exactly.  But I feel smarter and older than I was last Friday night.

So no big post this week, thought I’d share a few of the smaller things I learned this week via pictures.

I learned that getting your taxes done before April 15th makes you feel like you have your shit together.  And that it is totally possible to get your self and your two month old out the door at ten after seven in the morning to be there before 8 am!   And that getting some exercise after that is the only way to justify showing up in yoga pants and a sweatshirt.  Taxes and exercise in one day? That was a good day.

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Last time I went to Cary it was to get boudoir pics taken for MQD. This trip was not as titillating.

I learned that I need to learn to cut myself a break.   I’m trying to pull off the working a few hours a week, stay at home momming, working out regularly thing.  I don’t seem to manage my stress as well as Lucy.  Next time I am feeling overwhelmed I’m taking a page from her book and I suggest you do the same.  Sometimes you just need to take five.

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Meeting running long? No problem. Take a nap.

For the zillionth time in my life I was reminded that just because a lot of people are doing it… it doesn’t mean I need to refrain, just on principle.  I was never the kid that did something just because everyone else was.  Rather I refused to do it, because it was too popular.  And guys, Words with Friends is good stuff.  I am so down with it.  For now.  Even if Nazis are unacceptable.

Not acceptable.

The last thing that I learned was the most practical. Moms are busy. And if you want to get everything done in a day, including some time for yourself, you need to plan ahead. This week I did just that. I’ve been trying to make it to an exercise class three times a week. And work a little here and there.  Twice this week I ran straight to work from class.  Changed in to a clean shirt at my car, sweaty sports bra and stinky vibrams swapped for a nursing bra and flipflops.  Changed Lucy’s diaper on the front seat and we were off.

Note to self: if you leave a poopy diaper and your stinky vibrams in your car and it is 75 degrees out…. roll your windows down.  For real.

In summary – Pay your taxes, take a nap, play scrabble and clean out your car.  It will make you feel awesome.  I promise.  Oh, and take a shower with a friend.

Happy National Cleavage Day

Second Fiddle

I couldn't have loved him more if I had given birth to him.

I used to have a bumper sticker that said “My Labrador Retriever is smarter than your honor student.”

This morning I got another bumper sticker. This one was not for my dog. In our county the Kiwanis program sponsors a “Terrific Kid” program. Students are recognized for having outstanding character. Em is this month’s Terrific Kid from her class. MQD, Lucy and I piled in to the cafeteria with parents and Kiwanis members and we clapped and watched the kids get their certificates, their pencils, a sticker and the bumper sticker I had mocked so many years ago.

I held my sweet Lucy in my arms and I smiled back when strangers smiled at her little face. “She’s adorable,” said the strangers and I smiled. But my smile was not as bright as it ordinarily is. Instead my eyes said “Sure, yeah, she’s cute but look up there – my big girl. She is TERRIFIC, dammit!!”

Lucy played second fiddle to our big girl this morning and fortunately she was comfortable there. I took my first child to the vet this morning for his annual check up. In to the reception area we went, Fish on a leash, Lucy in her seat. My hands were full but I did not feel particularly frazzled.

I got the smiles from the strangers in the waiting room at the vet. I smiled back. “How old?” said the woman with the greyhound puppy. “He will be nine this Easter Sunday.”

And I laughed. I think she might have meant the baby. Two months and one week, Miss Lucy was in the spotlight. Then it was unceremoniously taken from her.

Welcome to the family, Lucy Goose. Sharing is a bitch. But you’ll get used to it.

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Big, brave boy at the vet

Jeepers Creepers

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Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers,
jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those eyes?
Gosh all, git up, how’d they get so lit up,
gosh all, git up, how’d they get that size?

~Harry Warren / Johnny Mercer

Me & Mrs Hannigan

Its not like Mrs. Hannigan and I have something going on. Not like me and Mrs Jones. But we do have something in common. We are drippping with little girls. Or so I thought.

Emily June October 2006

“Go and grab me some rubberbands and I will do your hair if you want.”  Ordinarily Em does her own hair before school but I had two hands free and felt like making the most of it.

Emily June March 2007

“You mean rubber band,” she corrects me.  “Mom, pigtails are sort of for little girls.”

And I saw her back tracking… “I mean for me. I just feel like it is not the hairstyle for me.”

Emily June September 2008

Oh.

I will be 43 years old next time I get my picture taken for my driver’s license. I wonder if I will still be a little girl.

The Original Toys r Us Kid

Ballerina

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Ballet flats and a ballerina bun do not evidently a ballerina’s physique make.

Eh. Neither do peanut m&ms apparently. Baby steps.

And party every day!!!

It’s not easy to feel like you are getting wild while watching VH1 pop-up video. But damn if I don’t.  And not just because it is the episode featuring Ozzy’s Bark at the Moon and some Quiet Riot.

I love it when a plan comes together.

“Mom, can you turn down that rock and roll music?  I’m doing my homework, and it makes it like harder to concentrate.”

I have said since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Emily that if I am lucky her “rebelling” will mean she is a pretty good kid.  She might not guess by my liberal political leanings and my tattoos and my generous use of certain swear words that I was a little goody two shoes, too.  And I am not about to tell her.

So, my six year old told me to turn down my rock and roll music.  You can probably guess what I told her.

Cum on feel the noize.

 

Springtime

The vernal equinox. March 20th .  The days will start getting longer.

Two months ago today we met our little Lucy. And every day since then I’ve told her I couldn’t possibly love her more than I do.

But starting today I will have a little more time each day to see her face. The added sunshine will give us time to walk the dog, work in the yard, take her big, strong, funny sister to soccer practice. We will cook dinner outside on the grill and before the days start to get shorter our sweet little girl will be sitting out there with us. On a blanket in the evening sun. Sitting.

Five minutes ago Emily June was two months old.

Flowers are poking out of the ground. Buds on the trees are beginning to crack open. And this little face… I am starting to know her. To see her smile.
Our little girl is in there. Inside our baby. And one night I will fall asleep with my baby nestled in the crook of my arm. And I will wake to a sweet and cuddly little girl. Amazed at how beautiful she is I’ll not look back to see the baby. Until it’s too late.

Spring is about becoming.  You’ve changed all of us. Emily has become this incredible big sister. You tamed my wild girl.  She is quiet as not to wake you, cautious as she rocks you.   Your father, who has been an amazing father to your sister since long before he had the title has become a Daddy.

The springtime goes by too quickly. In North Carolina Summer’s heat surrounds you before you’ve finished packing away your sweaters. But not this year.

I will cherish every night my little Lucy wakes me. I will remember. This baby. As she becomes a little girl.   Two months. It was Winter when you were born, sweet girl. And now it is Spring.

Sweet girl. You are sweet. You’re the icing on my cake. And I’m gonna eat you with a spoon, sweet girl. Your feet won’t touch the ground until your headed off to school. You won’t sleep in your own bed until you can ask me for one.

Keep it up.  All this growing.You will always be Baby D.

What’s in a Name?

source: onesmartbrotha.com seriously. that's my source.

We can’t all be Dwayne Wayne. Even the actor that played Dwayne Wayne on A Different World, Kadeem Hardison, had a pretty stellar name.

Dwayne Wayne was never invisible. He never got away with anything. Even the tiniest of actions were noticed and hijinx ensued. Remember when Dwayne ran for Student Concil President. The Reverend Jesse Jackson even noticed and came to visit Hillman College. He got attention. And it wasn’t just the glasses.

I don’t think I want to be quite as high profile as Dwayne Wayne.

But I wear glasses. And still, sometimes, I am invisible.

“Where are my pink shoes, Mom?”  “What’s for dinner, Mom?”  “Do I have PE today, Mom?”  “Great dinner, Mom.”  “Don’t forget to call and get a life insurance quote, Mom.”

Mom gets attention.  But sometimes it feels like no one sees me.

When MQD and I were dating  he started calling me Mom. It was cute. I liked it.  He was acknowledging that Mom was who I am, and that he was okay with it, and he understood it (the best he could.) When Em decided she was going to start calling him Dad I followed suit. It’s easier to change your name if everyone in the house joins in.

And now we have a new baby in the house so there is an awful lot of sickeningly sweet “Can you see your Daddy?” “You look just like Mommy…”

I think for a lot of couples some of the most intimate moments are spent in bed. Not like that. But staring at the ceiling. Or in the dark. When you can speak your mind and no one can see your face. Eye contact becomes unnecessary when you are moments from falling asleep. The trust is implied.

With a newborn in the house sleep is at a premium and pillow talk is non-existent. But we find the time. Lucy is settling in to her own routine. After Em goes to bed she will give us about ten minutes of smiling at the ceiling fan. Occasionally we even get a few minutes on a Saturday afternoon.

This weekend Em was out and about and MQD and I were on a “mini-date.” “Mini-date” is marital code for let’s have a conversation and not screw around on our phones while we talk.  We get the intimacy that we used to get in those late night conversations  on the floor with our two month old instead of in the sack.  But I’ll take it where I can get it.

So, we were on the floor in the living room with Lucy Goose, making faces. Talking, laughing. MQD said something stereotypically female and chuckled. And then in case I had not seen the hilarity in his comment he added “That’s what it’s like talking to you.”

“Yeah. But I’m not a lesbian, you can’t act like that. There’s one girl in this relationship.”

And without a moment’s hesitation he added “No. There’s three girls in this relationship.” Not in our family. He said in our relationship.

And that is how it should be for now. Our family dynamic has changed. And now our relationship must evolve to include all three girls, I suppose.

In the moment I kissed him (and wrote down this conversation in my phone quickly.)

But later it stung. I don’t want there to be three girls in our relationship. Not all of the time anyway.  Sometimes I want to be his girl.  His only girl.

A long time ago be said “you look hot, Mom” and I felt my knees crumble. He like-liked me. And he loved me for who I was. Seven years my junior this adorable 25 year old boy he really liked me.

Years later those seven years don’t seem like a very big deal.

And Mom? Now she wants to be Kelly again. “Can you do me a favor? When it has nothing to do with either of our kids can you please call me by my name?”

That poor guy can’t win.  But he rolls with it.  First I wanted him to fall in love with Mom. Now I want him to see Kelly again. It shouldn’t matter what he calls me. He tells me dinner was good every night. And that he loves me every morning.

Later that night he tossed it back at me “Thanks, Kel.” And I smiled.

It’s just a name.

But Mom is never going to wear those sick heels in the back of her closet. And Mom is totally never going to fit in those leather pants.  Mom actually wants to know what exactly is an occasion to which one might need to wear leather pants.  But Kelly is going to wear those heels.  And dammit, she’s gonna wear them with those leather pants.  Anywhere she damn well pleases.  Soon.

Now to decide on my glasses.

The Perfect Accessory. And the whole "I can read street signs and see the TV" is a nice bonus.

Just Do It

Part of the struggle of motherhood is the lack of control. So much of what I do is reactive not proactive.  When you are reactive you are always behind the gun. Never caught up.   Time and again realizing you have missed a step, requiring you to double back and repeat a step.

 A proactive approach to anything makes me feel like I am on top of things. The trouble with being proactive is that it is hard. But I have recently established that I can do impossibly hard things. 

Yesterday I did three proactive things. For me. For my health. Not for my children, although they certainly benefit from my good health.  And today, one day later, I am already feeling better than I did yesterday as a result.


I slept. I got up and said goodbye to Em and MQD and back to bed I went. For just a minute, I thought. I’ll snuggle with Lucy,  get her back  to sleep. Those few minutes became
two hours of blissful sleep. Sleeping harder than I have in months.  Recently my lack of sleep has begun to …. show in my attitude.  Enough so that when I asked MQD what I can get done for him the other day he said he’d make me a list.  That’s it pictured on the left.  Message received, dear.  And accomplished.

When I woke it was nearly 9:30.  Thus began the second impossibly hard thing. I excel at creating exercise plans for myself, I do not always succeed with the follow through, much like many of us.  There is almost always a good reason.  Lately I have had a nasty cold and the windy and intermittently cold weather was not helping matters.  So I decided to take it a little easier than I had planned.  But when I looked at my phone and it read 9:30 I knew I had to leave at 9:35 to make the 10:00 exercise class I had planned to attend.

With the extra oomph my nap provided I peeled myself out of bed and jumped in to some exercise duds and was out the door.  Lucy had been tanking up at the drive through breakfast bar all morning so she was nice and sleepy.  I think we were 45 minutes in to getting our sweat on before she knew what hit her.  Second impossibly hard thing, done.  I had the good old “never wake a sleeping baby” rule on my side had I decided to stay in the sack with my kiddo.  And the list of things to do provided by my husband.  And, still, up and out the door I went.
Thing number three is not so fun.  At my initial prenatal visit to the midwife  I got some less than pleasant news.
More than 50% of sexually active adults in America carry the human papilloma  virus (HPV) at some point in their lives.  1 out of 4 women with HPV have one of the strains that can lead to cervical cancer.  But now that more and more women are educated and getting an annual pap smear only 1 out of 1000 of those cases will develop in to cervical cancer.

Mid June of last year I had been married for less than two months.  I had been pregnant for  nearly the same amount of time.  I was anxious to have my first prenatal visit, hear a heartbeat, so I could relax.  As I have said so many times before I get nervous when everything goes my way, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And in my 35 years I had never felt so on top of the world, so it would be a long fall from there.  The call from the midwive’s office was not a suprise.  Something had to give. “Your pap smear came back abnormal, ASCUS.  We won’t do anything now, but the positive HPV test means we will want to get a closer look after your pregnancy.”

Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought my appointment yesterday afternoon would be the day that the bottom fell out.  (There is an awful joke in there somewhere, I mean if the nine pound plus baby didn’t make the bottom fall out a high powered microscope, a speculum and a light sure wasn’t gonna do it.) I have been dreading this appointment.

Standard procedure following an abnormal pap smear with high risk HPV is a colposcopy.  Essentially a doctor takes a good look with a microscope and a light at your cervix and determines whether or not a biopsy is required.  Vinegar is applied to the cervix, causing the “color to come out” in any abnormal cervical cells.  This amuses me, as vinegar is also used to get brighter Easter eggs.  This procedure is subjective to some degree.  And this was worrying me.  Even after a doctor said “I don’t see anything to worry about” I’d be left wondering, but what did you see?  Exactly.
And yesterday afternoon, because UNC is a teaching hospital, I had the pleasure of seeing something most women never do.  There, on a television screen so the doctors could discuss what they were seeing was my cervix.  “Look, Lucy, does that look familiar, there’s your home, baby girl!  Your door in to the world, where you made your big debut!” It was like taking Julie Andrews to the London Hippodrome and saying “This.  Here. You first felt the spotlight here, this is where it all began.”

Not everyone gets to bring a pal to a gynecological exam.




Everything both doctors could see, I could see, too.  And there was nothing to see, nothing abnormal.  I will spare you the description, but it was truly amazing to see how quickly the human body puts itself all back together again.  I’d certainly not have guessed my big baby had peeked out that hole only weeks before.
I was nervous.  And now I am not.  “I don’t think we will need to do a biopsy at all.  Seems your pap smear may have just detected an abnormality triggered by your pregnancy.  So, make sure you get a pap smear in a year and take care of that baby.  You can put your pants on and let yourself out.”
In a different context  that last sentence could break a woman’s heart but it was music to my ears.

Three things.  Sleep.  Exercise.  And medical follow up.  Just do it.  You’ll be glad you did.