Fast enough so you can fly away…

Allow me to set the scene.

I was still wearing my velour sweatsuit as I sauntered past his side of the bed. Sometimes I like to amp up the funny before I bring the dead sexy. Funny goes a long way in our house.

There was a successful transfer of the baby in to the bed. She was out like a light. I woke him from the couch and he smiled. All signs pointed to Sexy Town. I had my fingers crossed and my knees, well, uncrossed. He was sitting up in bed when he asked me to grab the cord for his phone.

So, I was sauntering past the bed getting ready to bend over in my velour sweatsuit all Jessica Rabbit like when he said “You’re leaking.” I looked down at my shirt for the tell-tale spot of milk. I grabbed my chest the way only a nursing mother can. I wasn’t wet. “This?” I said, pointing at a spot on my shirt. “Nah, that’s old.”

While I was busy giving myself a breast exam he bent down and grabbed his own phone cord.

“You ruined it,” I said. “I was gonna bend down and get it for you.” I was smiling. But I might have been starting to pout. We had already turned down a street that didn’t head to SexyTown. Might as well pout.

Incredulously he smiled back at me. “I ruined it? You! Talking about your OLD stain! That ruined it!!” By now I had snuggled up against him on the side of the bed. Between the two of us we had about a foot and a half. Lucy and the dog took up all the rest of the room. And like kids we started to laugh. I kept trying to get the words “you mean this old stain?” out of my mouth in feigned breathy sexiness but I couldn’t do it through the giggles. The more I tried to stop the laughter the funnier it was.

The Internet is abuzz this week with breastfeeding pictures. Should we post them on Facebook? Should we nurse in public? Or is it a private thing? You can guess how I feel about nursing a baby in public. Feed your babies, ladies. Cover up or don’t.  Just feed your babies.  Anywhere you want, preferably before they are super mad. I find hungry, crying babies really troublesome, a little exposed boob here and there, not so much.

But I can tell you where breastfeeding doesn’t belong. It doesn’t belong in my bedroom while I am in a fast car on the road to SexyTown. Because evidently “old stains” can send that car careening towards Laughter and there is no turning that car around. (Note: you need to say “old stains” with your hands up making the “I  don’t know what all the ruckus is about” face for the full effect.)

This post is dedicated to the fools that think nursing a baby in public is disgusting and attention seeking.  I will give you disgusting and attention seeking, how about this wet tshirt contest winning picture? And to the new mothers that think they will never, ever get to SexyTown again.  You will.  I promise.  It seems like you won’t.  But keep visiting that little village called Laughter, it will carry you and your marriage right on through.

44 responses to “Fast enough so you can fly away…

  1. This popped up on my facebook “memories on this day” feed today. I laughed all over again. So much YES.

  2. Pingback: So, it’s been a while since I was totally disgusting. | Excitement on the side

  3. Oh, so funny. My leaky 7 weeks postpartum self appreciates this. :D

  4. I LOVE this post, even though I’m late finding it.

    • Thank you, thank you! When someone stumbles across it now it gives me a reason to reread it and it makes me laugh all over again. So, thank you for that, too!

  5. Pingback: The Lone Boob | Excitement on the side

  6. Adorable and hilarious! Nicely done, girlfriend! lol xoJulia

  7. Hilarious post. Humour is definitely the only way to keep things going in the bedroom (kids or no kids). My friends recent comment to her hubby, whilst huffing and puffing away, of “I think I’m getting too old for this”, is probably not quite what you meant though :D

  8. There was a time recently when my husband and I were smooching in the living room (because of course baby was in our bed) and he says, “You’re dripping on my feet.”

    Oopsie. Luckily it did not kill the vibe. Our vibe has had to become well-nigh unkillable since we had kids.

  9. You’re right. Sexy wet T-shirt contest! What up!

  10. The quicker you feed the baby the quicker you can feed your lady parts.

  11. Pingback: Judgey Breastfeeders: YOU Are Why Moms Choose Formula

  12. Pingback: Uptight Breastfeeders: YOU Are Why Moms Choose Formula

  13. Thanks for this — even non-lactating ladies can appreciate the humor needed in the bedroom :)

  14. Ah, the good old days. Love it!

  15. Nice. I’m jealous that you leak evenly. It’s always one more than the other for me.

  16. If your baby is hungry and you don’t feed it coz you is in public it’s all going to go tits up anyway. Baby will scream, you’ll leak and one way or another people are going to be staring. Given the choice I’d rather have the repressed masses feeling uncomfortable than me going into meltdown. No contest really.
    PS you and your husband are damn funny. Keep the laughs coming.

  17. omg. I love you. Really. This was so wonderful. And totally fuck those guys/people/assholes who don’t want to see a boob FEEDING A BABY but its okay on a cheerleader or a dead body on CSI. Whatevs. Your husband is a cool funny dude. Brava!!

  18. This post is awesome. Breastfeeding is awesome.it’s the only reason I don’t entirely mind having boobs.

  19. hahaha…love this post, Love counting the minutes before your grandmother calls me to say, ” well, that Kelly is really something, isn’t she?” And you are, kiddo. You definitely are.

  20. Kelly,
    Have some shame, cover yourself. You suffer from premature lactation.
    Le Clown

  21. OMG!!! TOO FUNNY!!!!

  22. I am the first to like this. Also, those stains SCREAM take me to Sexy Town! I’m down. Move over, MDQ…..

    I love this post. “Feed your babies, ladies. Cover up or don’t. Just feed your babies. Anywhere you want, preferably before they are super mad. I find hungry, crying babies really troublesome, a little exposed boob here and there, not so much.” That, in particular. Cause screaming babies suck way more than boobs! (Which suck mostly not at all.)

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