Tag Archives: running

On the up and up…

The upside of being down is… well, it’s the upside.  You start coming back up one step at a time and before you know it you are back on top.  I beat back the blues (again) simply by putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again as fast as I can.

I did not get to use my favorite treadmill today. And I brought the water bottle that leaks.  I turned on my music and I didn’t hit the playlist I had intended.  Instead, quite accidentally,  I started a single song.  On repeat.  Somewhere around the third time the song played I realized that I had it on repeat.  Somewhere on number five or six I had run just far enough to realize that I would definitely hit my goal for the year – one thousand miles.

This morning listening to the Cowboy Junkies’ cover of Vic Chesnutt’s  “Flirted with You All My Life” I ran.  I ran and ran and I cried (yep, on the treadmill like a lunatic) and I realized that I am not ready to quit.  (It’s not the first time that Vic Chesnutt made me realize that I am not ready to give up.) Chesnutt’s tune is about death and suicide but to me it has always been an allegory about letting go and moving on. Death is the absence of change, the absence of moving on and transforming.    And I am not ready to give up on Change.

I am so desperately afraid of that which is Unknown.  But sometimes to accomplish anything at all you have to change.  I am even more afraid of Hope.  But I am certain that in order to Change you have to Dream, you have to Hope.

When I decided that my bizarrely cathartic weeping and sprinting act really needed to stop I hit next on my phone.

And I had to smile.  The Universe was having a time at my expense today.  Jeff Buckley’s version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah serenaded me as I crossed my thousand mile marker.

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I updated my Facebook status from the gym today (like you do) – “I try not to be a runner that is all “holy shit, y’all, RUN. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.” But if you don’t do something every day that makes you feel like every song you hear is the best. song. ever. and that you are at peace with everything and you totally understand your life – well then, find it. Because it will save you some heartache. Really.”

I can’t seem to find better words than those above. I don’t care what you do.  Yoga.  Meditate.  Paint.  Organize your linen closet. Skateboard. Do it. And love it.  And listen to music and figure out your whole entire life.  I promise you that the Truths that you realize in that hour a day will vanish.  It is similar to the way that dreams tend to evaporate in the time it takes you to roll over and say “damn, I just had the most fucked up dream.”  But for that hour everything makes sense and music sounds so good and your Life feels like no matter what it will all be okay….

I wanted to tell you what I figured out this afternoon.  I wanted to wow you with my simple understanding of Life and Death and Fear and Change and Hope.  But it’s gone.  Up in smoke.  Rather it is up in the grocery store and laundry and math homework and nap time.  But I will find it again tomorrow.

I want that for you. I didn’t run one thousand miles today.  I ran them over the last 343 days.  I have twenty two days to figure out what I will do with the next 365.

If you’re not sure what you are doing with the next year of your life go hide in the bathroom and listen to these two tunes back to back.  You still probably won’t know but they are damn good tunes.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you to all of you that have reached out over the last few days to say “Hey, I am sorry that you’re blue.”  It’s imperative that I write it down when I am hurting.  I need to.  It makes it start to go away.  But sometimes I forget to make the time to write it down when things are on the up and up.  I am back on an even keel, guys.  xxoo

On the road to find out…

I did not want to run today. That happens to me if I take a day off. In my heart of hearts I am not an Exerciser. I am a creature of Habit. I like to do whatever I have been doing.  Yesterday I slept in and skipped a workout.  Hence, I wanted to do the same today.

I peeled myself out of bed and poured myself into running clothes, anyway.

For the first two miles I was only going to run four.  During the third and fourth mile I thought maybe I might run seven.  Somewhere in there my headphones died and I found myself in this weird, inexplicably flat neighborhood that I have never seen before.  And I ran and smiled and ran and smiled and marvelled at the flatness.  And then I checked the map and realized that in order to get home from there I would be running nearly nine and a half miles.

So, I settled on ten and and for the second time this weekend I just looked at the leaves and thought about what a ridiculous phrase “fall foliage” is if you say it a bunch of times in a row.

And I ran.  And I smiled some more and I sang to myself.

The seconds tick the time out.  There’s so much left to know and I’m on the road to find out.  Then I found my head one day when I wasn’t even trying and here I have to say ’cause there is no use in lying, lying.  Yes, the answer lies within.  So why not take a look now? ~ Cat Stevens

I didn’t have anything on my mind when I left the house.  Sometimes I will use a long run to tease some Truth out of whatever mess I have in my head.  But today, I was smiling when I left the house. And I just ran.  And smiled.  I stopped twice and took two pictures.

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When I turned down my street to head home I had the runner’s high smile.  I felt good.  Really good.  I was still singing.

Oh I’m on my way, I know I am, somewhere not so far from here.  All I know is all I feel right now, I feel the power growing in my hair.  ~Cat Stevens

Sometimes I have to work hard to make sense of my day. Today was an easy day. I run to find my Truth.  I am now and hope to always be “on the road to find out.”  Right now the road is a literal road and my feet carry me mile after mile, sometimes closer to the Truth and sometimes not.   My Truth, whatever it is that I cling to in order to stay sane, “it lies within.”  And when I feel like I am drifting above my life and not really feeling it or participating all I need to do is Locate Love and before I know it I will be almost home.

I feel pretty lucky today.  I feel pretty lucky most days.

Split Seconds

Splits.  If you run than you know what they are.  If you don’t, it’s simple.  It’s a unit of measurement (typically a mile) that breaks down a run into smaller parts.  Ran six miles in 54 minutes?  Your average pace would be 9 minutes per mile but your splits might be all over the place.  Mile 1: 10 minutes, Mile 2: 9 1/2 minutes, Mile 3: 8 minutes and twenty seconds and so on.

But there is another kind of split – the split second.   I became a mother in a split second. One second I was in labor and the next second I had a baby in my arms.  One second you have a full bucket of water and the next second you have water all over the floor.

This weekend I was running down the side of the road, towards traffic, like you do. One second I was running and doing math in my head (a quarter of a mile to the light, turn and head towards the house, one mile down hill and I will be at an even eight when I get home)  and the next second I heard the screech of brakes and the smash of bumper on bumper.  I spun around instinctively and my eyes started to well with tears.  Behind me there were two more runners, my running partner and her teenage daughter. We were all okay.

Three runners.  Two teenage drivers, one that hit his brakes abruptly before turning and another that was following too closely.  Five people.  Two drivers. And three runners.    We were all okay.

20140518-201401-72841689.jpgIt has been four months since Meg Menzies was killed by a drunk driver while out for her morning run.  I still think about her every time I cross an intersection, every time I turn to look behind me and every time a driver waves back at me.  I breathe deeply and I know I am safe.  In this split second that I whipped around and counted two more runners I knew we were all safe.

Meg Menzies wasn’t okay.  And I haven’t forgotten.  When I run a long run on a Saturday morning and I zigzag across a few roads here in town I think about her. I am extra careful.  I wave at the drivers and I run towards the traffic.  I wear bright colors.  She was extra careful, too.

Be safe.  And be grateful.  Everything can change in a split second.

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So, it’s been a while since I was totally disgusting.

You don’t come here to listen to me talk about running.  Or triathlon training.  Here is not the place for me to do some deep thinking and journaling about how I am going to get enough swim workouts done and also get a new tattoo this winter. It just isn’t.

Writing.  Write what you know.  A million people smarter than me have told me that before.  Blogging?  It’s not much different.  I suppose the only difference is that because you get live, human feedback you get to know your audience.   And I don’t think you guys want to listen to me talk about running and endurance training and the relative merits of Shot Bloks vs G1,  Gatorade’s energy chews.

You want me to show you pictures ofmy ass in mom jeans, my stretchmarks and my boob milk stains.

Guys.  Today I need to talk about running.  And there won’t be a picture.

I ran twelve miles today.  Twelve.  I have never run that far in my whole entire life. I have also never shit on the side of the road.  And I did that, too.  Oh.  Did you miss that?  Was I not clear?  I pooped.  Outside.  In the middle of running. I ran about six and a half miles and realized I was not going to make it five and a half more.  I wasn’t even going to make it the half mile to the coffee shop in town.  I scanned the immediate area and I POOPED OUTSIDE.  Two yards from the sidewalk.  It was an emergency.

And then I kept running.  And before you get all up on your “I have never, ever shit near a sidewalk” high horse let me tell you that I had baby wipes.  Two of them.  In a ziplock bag. Because (and here is where I consider if this is crossing a line to tell what my regular poop schedule looks like and realize there is no line, the line has been obliterated) I have not pooped in two days and I am an every other day pooper and I knew it could ugly and I thought being prepared would prevent it from happening.  Wrong.

So, after doing my business and with two used baby wipes in a ziplock bag I ran off towards the closest trash can.  Because while I will (apparently) poop in what is technically a person’s yard I will not litter.

I ran and ran.  I changed musical playlists.  I had this twelve mile run in the bag!  Not unlike a dirty baby wipe. And I ate a few more energy chews and I ran some more and then…. then my stomach started to clench and I started to feel nauseous and I realized I had crossed in to new territory.  I was now a person that shit on the side of the road.  There was no reason to contemplate trying to run three, almost four, more miles with my ass cheeks clenched.   AND I DID IT AGAIN. I made it in to the woods.  Should that make me feel better?

And I kept running again.

I am not sure what the takeaway is here.  I am a person that is just about ready to run a half-marathon.  That’s exciting.  I am also a person that pooped.  On the run.  I think that makes me a runner?  It might even make me a long distance runner?  Because this is a thing – other people have done this.  Really.  I’m not trying to go all Billy Madison on you and tell you that “it’s cool.” But I am not alone.  And that’s comforting.

So.  Yeah.  I’ve been quiet.  Because all I think about lately is training and which race should I sign up for and what am I going to do now that I own the last pair of hot pink New Balance 870v2 in a ladies size 10.5???

So, I told you a poop story so you wouldn’t leave me.  But I really can’t figure out how to get the carbohydrates in without making the poop come out.  Runners, can you help me?  Will my body eventually be able to tolerate a long run without revolting against me?  This morning I told MQD that maybe I need to try a different kind of “evacuation blocks.”  He looked at me sideways.  “I mean energy blocks, but yeah…” I can’t seem to not feel totally thrashed after about an hour and a half without a little something.

Trial and error is the answer, I suppose. And route my runs closer to a bathroom, huh?  We live and learn in this life. And this morning I ran twelve miles, pooped outside twice, lost my car key and locked myself out of my house.  That’s a whole lot of living.

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I can’t do it.  A post without a picture seems wrong.  Here I am.  In the bathroom at the gym.  Why?  Because Karen at Uncomfortably Honest and Honestly Uncomfortable takes adorable post-run pics in the bathroom at her gym and I wanted to test her theory about lighting.  She also tells a mean poop story in case that’s your thing.

Happy Sunday, guys!

Running Skirts: They Hide the Pee

Let’s talk about crotch sweat, baby…. Did I lose you? It was a better hook when Salt-n-Pepa invited you to talk about sex, baby, in 1990.  But I don’t want to talk about sex.  I want to talk crotch sweat.

Yesterday morning I posted to Facebook about catching hell from the wee one about my running skirt.  “Your running skirt is too short when your 21 month old stops you at the door with a grimace and says “Mama, go?? Go?? Pants!!! Pants ON!” Evidently she thought I needed pants. It was funny.  Not hilarious.  But a momentary “Ha!” so I quickly posted it as I hopped in the car on my way to the gym.  By the time I got to the gym the post had several comments.  Most of them of the “running skirt, huh?” variety.

20131010-113558.jpgAs the day wore on I got a few more questions.  I contemplated a “Running Skirts: Not Just for the Stepford Wives at the Tennis Club” kind of post.  But then I realized I had a civic duty to break it down.  There were gals out there (and dudes, I suppose.  Hello, dudes, that do not run the opposite direction at the mention of crotch sweat.  Umm.  Yeah.) I owed it to these folks not to write a tongue-in-cheek answer.

So.  Here we are.

Where do I start? The running skirt rules.  Let me tell you why.

  1. Chub Rub.  Nobody wants it.  Unless you are a young gal or a lucky gal your thighs probably touch.  This is not a huge problem when you are just casually walking down the street in a skirt.  But start hustling?  Yowza.  You’ve got chub rub in no time.  And once you’ve got it –  it’s harder to get rid of than poison ivy.  You think it’s gone and Boom! It’s back.  You feel the burn.
  2. Compression shorts.  They prevent the chub rub but they are not actually a fashion statement.  Compressing the chub is not really … attractive.  Unless your compression pants go down to your ankles they have to stop somewhere, right?  And where they stop your body comes shooting out as if to shout “You can’t restrain me!!  Here I am, I am your chub!!” The running skirt allows for compression shorts that no one has to see!
  3. Conceal the sweat.  I sweat. Kind of a lot.  I sweat on my face and my back and my head.  I have been known to throw my hat at Emily after a long run just to hear her shriek “It’s soaking wet!!!”  What I do not throw at anyone after a long run is my crotch.  Sweat has a tendency to roll down the body, right?  No matter where the moisture starts, whether it is from my head or my face or ample bazooms it seems to follow a path straight for my crotch.  Have you ever seen one of those women that looks like she might have peed in her pants?  Yeah.  She is probably just sweaty.  But it’s not all that cute.  Because it looks like pee.  And like crotch sweat.  (I am going to say that a million more times to guarantee that when you google “crotch sweat” I come up.  Because, really, we all have to have a goal, right?) So, the running skirt provides a perfect way to hide the sweat.
  4. Pee.  Have you ever had a baby? I have had two.  I am in a lucky minority.  I can jump rope without peeing my pants.  In fact ,just yesterday afternoon I exploded a jump rope at the gym. I like to do a tabata cycle of alternating jumping rope and burpees.  It pretty much sucks but it is a good way to crank up your heart rate in four minutes. The whole time I jump rope I think “Don’tpeeDon’tpeeDon’tpee” and I contract my pelvic floor.  (The entire time I do burpees I think “ThisfuckingsucksThisfuckingsucksThisfuckingsucks” but that has nothing to do with peeing my pants or babies.  So, ladies, if you think you might pee a little – the running skirt is your friend.  In fact, if I ever develop a post-partum exercise gear fashion line that will be my running skirt sales pitch – Running Skirts: They Hide the Pee.
  5. Lastly, I promise it really is the last reason – The Cute.

20131010-113621.jpgI mean c’mon.  This is my all time favorite running skirt.  The compression shorts are a little longer than most and it makes me feel like I have a little extra spring in my step.

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Yep.  Like I need extra pep.

What’s up Crotch Sweat?  Oh hey, Chub, how you doin? I barely noticed you there underneath that adorable running skirt.

Running skirts deliver.  They work.  They just do.  I resisted for a while. I thought they’d made me look like I was heading to the tennis club with Fifi and Mimsy for an afternoon smoothie and maybe we’d make it out to the tennis court.  “Match point, Heather!”

I’m not a girl that wants to look cute at the gym.  I’m not strong enough or fast enough to mingle with the hardcore gym rats, the least I can do is not look like I have no intention of sweating.

So, now you know my secret.  The running skirt is my secret weapon.  Because I sweat like … a whore in church. (When you’ve already said “crotch sweat” nine million times you don’t have to search for a simile that is not offensive. )

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There’s the sweat.  And yesterday’s eyeliner because I am not old enough to wash my face before I go to bed yet.  I quit smoking and I exercise and I stopped drinking Bud Light all the live long day. One day I will moisturize and regularly wash my face.

And stop saying things like “crotch sweat” on the internet. One day.  I promise.

 

 

My Running Shoes Carried Me

I am not a Godly gal. I’m just not. But there’s a poem that has always sung to me in the moments when I am needing to have faith in something bigger than myself. I think it was on a bookmark that I had long ago, I am certain that you are familiar with the poem – the poem about walking on the sand at the beach and noticing only one set of footprints. It is the last line that has always resonated with me. “The Lord replied, “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.”

Tuesday morning I saw my father before he went in to surgery. Tuesday evening I saw him again. He was still “sleeping.” (I still prefer to think of him as sleeping, not heavily sedated to prevent the inevitable grasping at his breathing tube.) I kissed his forehead. I held his hand. My dad has warm hands. Always. His hands were cold as ice. They weren’t my dad’s hands. I didn’t stay long. He didn’t know I was there and I needed to keep my game face on for my step-mother. This was not the time for tears. I returned to the waiting room.

“He is still resting. I told his nurse to give you all the details.”

We had to go in one at a time because Lucy was not allowed in the ICU.

I went back to my hotel room that night. Lucy fell asleep quickly and I spent the evening staring at the wall. We woke early, both of us. I’d not be able to see my dad again until 10 in the morning. So, I did the only thing I knew to do.

Long before I found the Unitarian Church I went to the church of Sweat. Crisis makes you return to your roots. I strapped on my running shoes and with a stroller not at all intended for jogging I took off down the streets of downtown Louisville. The familiar sounds of my playlist filled my ears and my brain stopped buzzing for a few minutes. Until my iPhone said “Distance .5 miles, current pace is 8 minutes and 30 seconds per mile.” No stress here, just running about a minute faster than I usually do.

Louisville is a pretty city. The people are friendly. Most folks waved at me, many stepped out of my way. I took in the sights. Big buildings. Theaters. Street Paintings. Churches. I sighed as I have so many times in my life and thought “I wish I had a church. I’d go in one now. And pray. I’d pray my fucking ass off right now.” (See? I am not a pray-er. I suppose you don’t actually “pray your ass off,” huh?)

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20130610-224512.jpgI kept running. Another mile. Still another mile. It was a good twenty more minutes before I realized that I DO have a church. And what do you know, downtown Louisville has a pretty big Unitarian church and I wasn’t but a block away. Tentatively I knocked on the door. “Come around back if doors are locked” read a small sign. I am not one to “bother” anyone. Ever. And before my mind could stop my feet I ran around the back of the building and pushed my stroller up their handicap ramp and rang the bell.

“Can I help you?”

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The voice of the woman on the other side of the intercom made my bottom lip start to quiver. “Umm. I was hoping I could poke my head inside your sanctuary for a moment.”

She replied simply “Why do you want to “poke your head inside?”

And then the lip quiver became a tear. And another tear. “Because my dad had surgery yesterday and I think it might make me feel better to stand inside your sanctuary for a moment.”

“Certainly.” That’s all she said. And she let me in.

20130610-224516.jpgMany Unitarian churches have a time in their service where members of the congregation are invited to share their Joys & Concerns. It serves to build a community and to give us a moment to share in the moments of one another’s lives that make up the valleys and the peaks. With Lucy in her stroller I walked to the front of the sanctuary and said quietly to everyone and no one “As many of you know my father had surgery yesterday morning. I will be going to see him this morning. If you’d hold him in the light and send me all of the love you can for the next few hours I would really appreciate it.” I closed my eyes and stood in silence for a few moments. I wrote a note in their book and split before I might have to talk to anyone. “Thank you! Thank you so very much!!” I called out to the kindly stranger that had let me through the door.

20130610-224625.jpgI went straight back outside and returned to the Church of Sweat. Two more miles. A shower and a quick breakfast. Before I knew it it was 10 am and Lucy and I were heading over to the ICU.

Dad was awake. He was giving his nurse a hard time about the flavors of jell-o he’d been offered. He was sitting up in a chair. He was chock full of tubes and painkiller’s but when I said “I know you had wanted to get your surgery done early in the morning but I am so glad it was postponed until the afternoon so that I could see you before you went in” he grimaced.

“Good, Kel. I’m really glad you were glad.” I laughed. He winced.

I said “And thanks for being awake, I am just barely keeping my shit together here, and you know it is all about me, right?” He held my hand. His hands were still cold. But he was back. My dad.

Faith is a funny thing. I have spent the better part of my adult life thinking I didn’t really have any. But then I needed it. And damn if something didn’t carry me.

 

 

The Birthday Week in Review: Or All the Shit I Learned in One Week of Being 37

I have been 37 years old all week. So far so good.  For the record – you can teach an old dog new tricks. I present to you a recap in pictures of all of the things I have learned this week.

20130508-204258.jpgThis old dog has learned to love running.  I have spent the winter and early spring on a treadmill, running only two days a week and trying to be kind to my body but it was time to get outside before the summer sun prevented me from hitting the streets.   Wanna see me in all my spectacularly slow glory?  Hillsborough Running Club.  Good people, good routes, meeting right near a little street with particularly good beer, bbq and coffee for sale.  Wednesday nights, be there or be square.  I make dinner for the family and roll out.  Solo.  In the evening.  I might not make it inside a bar, but I park right near one and that is good enough for me.  It feels good to be out, to have plans that do not involve the kids or a meeting or a chiropractor appointment.  I have never been such a joiner before but stay at home motherhood has me signing up left and right.  Give me a schedule, give me somewhere to be and I am on it.

I am learning to love running.  So much so that I got a tshirt and a bumper sticker.   Running might be my new favorite band.

I have learned that I can clean my entire kitchen floor and run my vacuum in less than three minutes.  I have fallen in love with the steam mop.  It does nothing on the dog hair front but it steams the dried up yogurt right off of the floor.  (Sidenote: Fisher eats everything that hits the floor and some things before they even land.  But he’s not a fan of yogurt, hence the dried up yogurt.) How do I clean my entire downstairs while the human wrecking ball that is Lucy is tearing around the house? Simple.

The kid can climb.  Up.  And up only.  She climbs up on to the table and she stands there in stunned silence.  I have approximately three minutes to pick up all the tupperware from the cabinets she has emptied, return the board books and the stuffed animals to their cubbies and sweep, mop and vacuum before she gets bored and begins to bellow, begging to be returned to the floor so that she can climb up again.  She stands and watches.  The faster I move the more rapt her attention.  Three minutes.  I learned it only takes three minutes to get “company clean.”

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I am a bit of a neat freak in the house.  Note that I said “in the house.”  When I was a teenager a perfect punishment would be the afternoon my father said “C’mon, we’re gonna clean your car.”  Not only was I not going anywhere in said car, but I would be standing in the driveway with my father while my secrets were revealed.  Coca-cola cans and fast food trash, overdue library books and too short skirts were pulled from under the seats.  In spite of the fact that I ended up with a clean car (my father can make a 1981 Dodge Aries station wagon sparkle, y’all!) this was not enough to make me enjoy this ritual.

I am still not a huge fan of cleaning my car. I am better than I was.  I try to pull the trash out of the side door cubbies while I pump gas.  I don’t let the kids eat in the car  often. My car is no longer the trash can on wheels it once was, but it isn’t pretty.  For years my car has been a collection of Diet Coke bottles, peanut M&M trash and outerwear that I brought along to make me feel like a better mother.  No one ever wears the sweatshirt, but dammit you had better bring one.

I have learned to love water.  No more Diet Coke cans for me.  I cleaned my car out this week.  I might have had a few water bottles in there.

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I have made peace with the fact that my car is messy.  I am what I am, I guess.  Speaking of making peace with who I am and where I am in my life – I am Sporty Spice, guys. I wish I was Scary, I would love to be Posh and the red hair dye of my early twenties reveals my deep-seated desire to be Ginger.  But I am Sporty Spice and there is no denying it. This week I learned I can put my jogging stroller on my bike rack!  I can take Lucy running on the downtown route I love without cleaning out my trunk to make room for the stroller!

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I might have been outrageously excited.  I just might have run four miles only to find that Lucy was passed out and I had no choice but to keep cruising around downtown. Lucy napped through the library, the post office and the co-op grocery store.  And I learned that even when you are winded and you’d like to sit on your ass you will keep walking if it means your kid will keep sleeping.

20130508-204323.jpgI had a good week.

I learned that I can clean my shed with help from Lucy.  I can keep her from drinking from the gas can while organizing bungee cords and rakes.  I learned that eating clean is swell in theory but that it is totally possible to eat an entire red velvet cake almost by yourself and not feel bad about yourself at all.  I learned that sucking it up and committing to a nap schedule really will make for an easier bedtime routine. I learned that oven baked chicken is fine and dandy but pan fried in Panko is really where it’s at. I learned how to use two of the thingamajigs on my bicycle multi-tool.  I re-learned the finger tip drag freestyle drill and how to maximize the efficiency of my stroke (say that with a straight face, I dare you.)

IMG_4985 copy And perhaps the most shallow but the biggest immediate change – I learned that cutting off all of my fingernails did not make my typing any better. But it will mean that Sporty Spice won’t spend two hours a week fixing her damn nails anymore.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  Not when there is so much more to learn.  Happy Birthday week to me.  May the learning continue…

 

 

Want vs. Need: The Bucket List

Is it a want or a need? I ask myself this question a hundred times a day. Sometimes it is a slippery slope and I can feel myself justifying before I even get to the answer. Somewhere in between the wants and the needs is a space for the things that we feel we “deserve.”

I want a new pair of jeans. I need to wear something. I deserve to wear a pair of jeans that fit and make me feel good. But none of that answers the question – Do I buy the jeans?

Nine times out of ten I come to the conclusion that I don’t really want or need to buy the object in question. I go around and around in my stay at home mom mind and I decide “Nope. Don’t buy it.” I am fortunate to have a partner that lets me budget our family’s expenses. It makes sense this way. I do the bulk of our spending. Food. Kid stuff. Clothes and whatnot. I have a good handle on what we have in the “Fun Money” pile and I think we do a pretty good job of spreading it around the family. Sometimes just feeling like I could buy the pair of jeans is all I need.

And then I got this fitness bug. I want a gym membership. I need the hour and a half to myself. I deserve this head space and so do my kids. It makes me a better parent. So. Gym membership is a green light. Whether it falls in the want or the need doesn’t matter. It works for us. Embarrassing truth: I spent more on Diet Coke and peanut M&Ms in a month than I spend on a gym membership for the entire family.

And then I picked up what might be the potentially priciest hobby one could choose in the realm of casual athletics. Don’t pick one sport, Kelly. Pick three. Well, all you need to run is shoes. And a better running bra. And the swimming, well, you only need a swim suit. And goggles. And a cap. And you can ride almost any bike if you’re looking to finish not compete. And I was lucky that my mom had a bike I can use. Oh. I need a helmet. I found a triathlon suit online for wicked cheap that is remarkably unflattering which means it must be a good one as they all seem to be more unflattering than the last. I just need sunglasses. And a water bottle. Oh, man, I get heinous chafing when I run in a wet sports bra so just one thing of Body Glide. And maybe a few energy drinks or something. And even if my tri-suit was inexpensive I don’t want to safety pin my number to it so I will need a racebelt. But they are only five bucks.

And that’s it. That is totally all I need. Right? The elastic shoelaces that make my running shoes turn in to slip-ons were a splurge. I admit it. Best six bucks I have spent in a long time.  Still cheaper than a great glass of wine.

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This sprint triathlon training has been riding the fence between want and need since the beginning. Even just signing up for one is spendy. But I feel so good. I am proud of myself. And it has nothing at all to do with my kids. That’s huge.  It’s worth it. What’s that old saying – “Happy wife, happy life.” Hanging in our laundry room when I was a kid was a little plaque “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Mama is happy. This is good. It is like the trickle down economics of “Fun Money” spending.

I’ve blown about a hundred bucks in the last fifteen weeks. That is in addition to the hundred bucks my mom slid in to my back pocket the last time I was at home.  I promised her I’d not spend it on groceries.  Two running tops, a sports bra, six pairs of socks, a new cap, a water bottle, a headband and a pair of sunglasses later I took this picture for her.  “Done. You spoil me,” I wrote in the text. I comparison shopped and considered different options for weeks before I almost let that hundred dollar bill burn a hole through my wallet.

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It’s Thursday.  Three more days and it is “Race Day.”  I have worked hard. I am really excited.  I have read a million blogs.  I have looked at a million lists of Tips for Tri-Newbies.  Tie a balloon to the bike rack so you can find your bike.  Don’t think so much about what you look like.  No one is watching you.  Don’t get upset when the 80-year-old woman on the mountain bike passes you. Pass on the left.  Don’t litter.  Put your stuff in a bucket.  Set up your transition area on a towel and use your bucket to sit on while you put your shoes on.

A bucket.  You can get a 5 gallon bucket at Home Depot for three bucks.  I could let Em decorate it with a Sharpie.  “Go MOM! You can do it!”  It made me smile to think about it.  But I have a bucket in the shed.   I don’t need a new bucket.  I just don’t.  Not when I have this one.

I’ll be the girl with the hot pink shoe laces and the paint covered Sherwin Williams bucket and the tears running down her face.  Wish me luck.

The Bucket

Sweat & Smoke

Sweat“Have you been swimming?”
It’s an innocent enough question. In defense of the woman that asked me, I was standing in front of the locker room, the locker room that connects to the pool at the gym.

“Umm.  No.  I just sweat like a beast.”

I am really good at making casual conversations come to an awkward finish. I tried to rescue the conversation, I did.  To be honest, my sweating isn’t something that even embarrasses me.  I will never be accused of just posturing at the gym.  I look like I have been working out and working out hard just a few minutes after I step on to a treadmill.  Sadly, the same holds true when I step out of an air-conditioned car bound for an outdoor wedding in August.

I know I left you hanging this weekend.  Did I go to Zumba?  Did I “join the party?” Am I still there?

I went.  I sweat.  I will go back.  I actually snorted and laughed loud enough to attract the attention of a friend the first time there was any shaking of the ta-tas. I cannot see a woman shake her shoulders and not hear Penny from Dirty Dancing shouting “God wouldn’t have given you maracas if He didn’t want you to shake ’em!”

I didn’t love it enough to turn my back on running and the dreaded elliptical machine.  I have finally admitted to myself that I can not run every day of the week.  If I do not take a break I hurt myself.  I just do.  I was not built to be a runner.  I am… top heavy.  I am not light on my feet.  I read Born to Run.  I watch Danny Dreyer’s Chi Running videos, I visualize.  And I run, every other day.  In between I do whatever I can to keep the mojo and keep moving because one day off becomes three becomes a week becomes a month.  So, I will run. And on my off days perhaps I will Zumba.  I laughed.  And I sweat.

I sweat.  Because it feels good.  Because it clears my head.

sweatBecause it makes me feel like I am taking time for me and that I am important.  I feel healthy.  I make better choices, choices about what I eat, what I do.

But not all of those choices are easy.

There is a man at the gym. He is an older fella, in his grey  sneakers and his dress pants.  He wears a plaid shirt and he keeps it neatly tucked in.  He walks on a treadmill and he gabs with everyone.  He is friendly but if you point at your earbuds and smile he doesn’t chat you up anymore.  He is pleasant.  But that is not my favorite thing about him.

He reeks.  And not because he sweats.  He reeks of cigarettes.  Reeks.  I pass him on the stairs sometimes and I wonder if I smell like smoke when I walk past someone later.  It doesn’t just hang on him, it follows him like Pigpen’s swirl of dust and dirt.

And I love it.  I love the smell of smoke.

Not all of the time.  When I am with my kids at a park and I smell smoke I whip my head around and give the stink-eye to the teenagers that are sitting on a picnic table.  When I am in line at the grocery store and I can smell the checker, they have just come back from a smoke break, I don’t breathe deeply.  It doesn’t smell good.  It is out of place.

But at the gym, during my hour, the hour that Kelly is just Kelly not Mom, I’ll be damned if that cigarette does not smell delicious.  Running alongside him today at the gym I got to giggling.  Ludacris was singing in my ear “I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes” and I imagined myself letting those words escape my mouth.

kellyI am not a Smoker.  Not anymore.  But I am not a Non-Smoker, either.  I prefer to think of myself as a non-practicing Smoker.

I would spend some more time trying to reconcile this, my desire to be healthy and fit combined with my love of the smell of a Marlboro, but it isn’t new.  Ten years ago I celebrated my 26th birthday with friends.  We were talking about our newfound love of Les Mills’ Body Pump.  I had a beer in one hand and a smoke in the other.

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These days I don’t have a cigarette in my hand.  And I still love the gym. Some things change and some things stay the same.

I still wear overalls more often than I should.  But I don’t perm my hair anymore.  I am going to put fitness, quitting smoking and not perming my hair in the “Good Things I Need to Keep Doing” column. Sniffing old dudes that reek of smoke at the gym – I am putting that in the “Quite Possibly Creepy But It Won’t Kill Me” column. Feel free to debate me on this.

Goals

I’m big on setting goals. Measurable goals. For as much as I pick on MQD and the SCIENCE (imagine I said science with jazz hands and a hint of feigned terror in my voice) I love a good graph.

When I decided I was ready to hop back on the fitness train I returned to Couch to 5K. Couch to 5K is a training program designed to take you from the couch (no way! Me? the couch? I didn’t gain almost sixty pounds with this pregnancy at the gym!) to running a solid thirty minutes without stopping in nine weeks. I have a tendency to overexert myself. A training program is necessary to keep me from deciding to try and run six miles after three leisurely strolls around the block has me thinking I am in tip top shape.

The trouble with the Couch to 5K? It ends. After nine weeks where do I go from there? Without the magical iPhone telling me to Run (which is laughable as my jogging speed has been known to be slower than my walking speed, but whatever!) I am lost.

But something crazy has happened to me. I remember when Em was teeny. She wasn’t big on napping. I decided training for the OBX Marathon was a good idea. The jogging stroller was my idea of a vacation. Every day, no matter what else happened, I had an hour on Bay Drive. If you go to the Outer Banks and you have never driven down Bay Drive and admired the homes and the sunset and the sound side living you are missing out. (Oh, how I miss you, long, deliciously flat Bay Drive…) It is happening again.

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And then I did it again, every day for the next FIVE days!! I am keeping it up. I am motivated not only by the health benefits and the uninterrupted Me time, I admit. The number on the scale has me a little freaked out. I haven’t ever said that number out loud here. I showed you my stretchmarks, but that number? It is like pooping in front of someone. I don’t do that.

But I am done hiding. I weighed 226 the day before Lucy was born. I’d hit an all time ten year low of 167 before we got married. I weigh a lot, and I am okay with that. I have size 10.5 feet and D cups, they come with a price.

I avoided the scale immediately after Lucy was born. I know my tendency to get antsy about my weight and I knew I needed to be eating well and frequently in order to establish and maintain a milk supply those crucial first six weeks.

My six week post partum visit greeted me with a 197. What the shit? I’d had a baby six weeks ago!! I was horrified. I hit the ground running, literally.

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And then shortly after I hit the ground, I hit the store.  I wrote about my new shoes.  But I haven’t mentioned my new found love of the running skirt.  It makes me feel like a cheerleader.  I never was a cheerleader but I imagine this is what it felt like.  “Hey you, my ass is almost showing but it is all in the name of sports!!  Check me out! But don’t talk shit, I’m an athlete, bitches!”  Did I say that out loud?  So help me, I am wearing day glow running skirts and I don’t even know who the hell I am anymore.

This morning I downloaded the “Bridge to 10K” app.  I need to keep going. I have to keep going.  It might take me longer than the six weeks it suggests.  But I’ll get there.  And if you look at the screenshot on the right, in the top corner, it’s a graph!!  A GRAPH!  I am as happy as a pig in shit.  Or a middle aged, 184 pound mom of two in a hot pink running skirt.  And let me tell you from my experience, that is pretty happy.

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