You don’t come here to listen to me talk about running. Or triathlon training. Here is not the place for me to do some deep thinking and journaling about how I am going to get enough swim workouts done and also get a new tattoo this winter. It just isn’t.
Writing. Write what you know. A million people smarter than me have told me that before. Blogging? It’s not much different. I suppose the only difference is that because you get live, human feedback you get to know your audience. And I don’t think you guys want to listen to me talk about running and endurance training and the relative merits of Shot Bloks vs G1, Gatorade’s energy chews.
You want me to show you pictures ofmy ass in mom jeans, my stretchmarks and my boob milk stains.
Guys. Today I need to talk about running. And there won’t be a picture.
I ran twelve miles today. Twelve. I have never run that far in my whole entire life. I have also never shit on the side of the road. And I did that, too. Oh. Did you miss that? Was I not clear? I pooped. Outside. In the middle of running. I ran about six and a half miles and realized I was not going to make it five and a half more. I wasn’t even going to make it the half mile to the coffee shop in town. I scanned the immediate area and I POOPED OUTSIDE. Two yards from the sidewalk. It was an emergency.
And then I kept running. And before you get all up on your “I have never, ever shit near a sidewalk” high horse let me tell you that I had baby wipes. Two of them. In a ziplock bag. Because (and here is where I consider if this is crossing a line to tell what my regular poop schedule looks like and realize there is no line, the line has been obliterated) I have not pooped in two days and I am an every other day pooper and I knew it could ugly and I thought being prepared would prevent it from happening. Wrong.
So, after doing my business and with two used baby wipes in a ziplock bag I ran off towards the closest trash can. Because while I will (apparently) poop in what is technically a person’s yard I will not litter.
I ran and ran. I changed musical playlists. I had this twelve mile run in the bag! Not unlike a dirty baby wipe. And I ate a few more energy chews and I ran some more and then…. then my stomach started to clench and I started to feel nauseous and I realized I had crossed in to new territory. I was now a person that shit on the side of the road. There was no reason to contemplate trying to run three, almost four, more miles with my ass cheeks clenched. AND I DID IT AGAIN. I made it in to the woods. Should that make me feel better?
And I kept running again.
I am not sure what the takeaway is here. I am a person that is just about ready to run a half-marathon. That’s exciting. I am also a person that pooped. On the run. I think that makes me a runner? It might even make me a long distance runner? Because this is a thing – other people have done this. Really. I’m not trying to go all Billy Madison on you and tell you that “it’s cool.” But I am not alone. And that’s comforting.
So. Yeah. I’ve been quiet. Because all I think about lately is training and which race should I sign up for and what am I going to do now that I own the last pair of hot pink New Balance 870v2 in a ladies size 10.5???
So, I told you a poop story so you wouldn’t leave me. But I really can’t figure out how to get the carbohydrates in without making the poop come out. Runners, can you help me? Will my body eventually be able to tolerate a long run without revolting against me? This morning I told MQD that maybe I need to try a different kind of “evacuation blocks.” He looked at me sideways. “I mean energy blocks, but yeah…” I can’t seem to not feel totally thrashed after about an hour and a half without a little something.
Trial and error is the answer, I suppose. And route my runs closer to a bathroom, huh? We live and learn in this life. And this morning I ran twelve miles, pooped outside twice, lost my car key and locked myself out of my house. That’s a whole lot of living.
I can’t do it. A post without a picture seems wrong. Here I am. In the bathroom at the gym. Why? Because Karen at Uncomfortably Honest and Honestly Uncomfortable takes adorable post-run pics in the bathroom at her gym and I wanted to test her theory about lighting. She also tells a mean poop story in case that’s your thing.
Happy Sunday, guys!
Excitement on the side 
Pingback: Long Run | Excitement on the side
Pingback: It way past my bedtime… | Excitement on the side
Oh. My. God. People are put in your life for a reason, and you are now in my life because you write about pooping in the woods. My husband is known to poop in the woods, but he doesn’t write about it. This was the greatest thing I’ve read in a long time. But a little tip that worked for me until my stomach started to tolerate runs longer than 8 miles is to take just one Imodium about 30 minutes before the run (including races…who wants to bask in the glory of a PR on the toilet?). I also steer clear of gels with caffeine (I use GU Roctane). Good luck!
That’s what I keep hearing. I think this past weekend was the perfect storm, really. So many things conspiring against me resulting in a literal shit show. I am thinking about the Immodium plan. 12 miles on the agenda for Saturday morning, so we shall see! :) So nice to “meet” you. :)
2003 Great Falls Park, Virginia. 5:00 PM dusk, fall. The great call came and gave “does a bear shit in the woods?” new meaning. So now I carry immodium. Simply magic. P.S. I don’t run but get them! HA! Love you, Kelly.
Love you!!! :)
Exactly why I don’t run! hahaha
(Tried to post this response yesterday so I apologize if it’s a duplicate!) I’ve peed twice during really long runs, once at the start and once at mile 10. One run was called the New York Marathon and the other was the Philadelphia Marathon. For the NYM I crouched at the start, peered through the sea of thousands of legs stretching and watched as about five other women also crouched and peed. During the PM I passed this line of guys peeing against this one building and I was so pissed (ah…) that I stepped one foot off the road, dropped my shorts and peed. I’d share poo stories but yours are so fabulously epic I can’t compete (I always have favorite spots in the woods on long runs and use rocks as TP… seriously. I pretend I’m on an Outward Bound trip or a pilgrim.) And those bars and gels? Ack! Bananas, Tootsie rolls and maybe a Luna Bar or Power Bar beforehand if I’m feeling out of juice.
You can do it! It’s your doodie. (Get it? Doodie?! hahaha)
Or a pilgrim. Haha. I’m hysterical. I’m always down for sharing poo stories. :)
Thanks for a great laugh! Not at the pooping, but at your rendition! I can kind if sympathize, and I hope when I run my 10K, my bowels cooperate. I will think about this post every time I train.
Please do. Feel free to feel superior every time you go outside and don’t poop, really.
Hi! New follower here and this is my first post I read….loved it! Lol But wow, I had no idea that your body does that to you when running long distances. I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to do that! :-)
Consider my options – five humiliating seconds or a 45 minute run home with poo pants. And can I tell you that I am just thrilled that this is your introduction? Oh my. I am not always this disgusting. Not. Always.
Brave or foolish – you decide. ;)
Sorry I called you “one of those crazy runners” in our conversation earlier today….I must have had amnesia and forgotten all the emergency poops I took all over the countryside of West Africa…and i wasn’t even running… =/
You live a good life when you forget all about emergency poops.
Shot Bloks are awesome. As are you, for owning that shit. Ha! Better to pause in someone’s yard than end up in this situation… http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/assets_c/2011/01/marathonpoop-thumb-540×342.jpg
I had visions of that dude in my head Sunday morning, I sure did.
Poor you! What a trooper to keep on running. That’s a good pick of you in the bathroom!
Many thanks! I think there might be something to the bathroom selfie!
OH my god. Your honesty is refreshing…or relieving? And I love you for referencing Billy Madison.
I love Billy Madison. So many life lessons.
Wait a tick, did anyone see you? Surely not because you would have made sure to include that. Were you in front of houses or in a busy area? SO many questions.
The next time we are together remind me to tell you about the time Kev and I were taking a walk on a heavily traveled trail at a busy state park. It involves a spectacular diarrhea attack on my part. And a pack of frat boys.
Welcome to the pooping outside club.
I feel welcome, really I do. Doo. HA.
I’ve gone 8 miles total, sans water or chews because I suck at hydrating while running (I tend to choke/cramp up), and I’d hate to pee my pants while running. I’m a prissy bitch that way.
Your body is incredibly efficient! What brand are these shitbloks?
These were the Gatorades, but the ClifBlocks seem to treat me better.
Once is kinda like par for the course when you run longer distances. But TWICE? Woot! You’re in a league of your own, baby!
Wahooooo! I feel special. I wonder if I will get a medal someday for most race bombs?
Leave it up to you to design the race medal. Something in a chocolate cream color? ;)
Ha!!! Perfect.
Okay. All this is normal but YES you will get used to it without feeling sick (at least some of the time). The trick is your body will get used to running long distances – and it’s amazing how that works. Like, really. My body still empties out pretty much everything I ate yesterday within an hour after waking up, every single day, and it got used to that after running 6 miles weekday and then 8-12 on weekends (even though that’s not my schedule anymore my body still acts like it is). And, I like the cliff bar shot blocks the best. Also, I’m a big believer in a Cliff Bar or whatever you like before you run – don’t go out on empty. These are my thoughts! :) You do get good at holding it also. All of a sudden, your stomach does a spaz, but if you can walk for a second and regroup, it goes away.
YAY! Good news. I like cliff bar shot blocks best. So much so that I recently ordered a case of them. Maybe I should get a few more packs of on the go baby wipes, huh?
Not a bad idea :) Mind over matter. Or, mind over shit.
Heh.
Oh Kel, you ALWAYS make me snort. I was wondering about the Disney runners today, and thought, I can’t go in a Port O Potty, and I just CAN;T do that on Disney Property. I’m totally screwed!
HAHAHA. I just CAN’T!