Let’s talk about crotch sweat, baby…. Did I lose you? It was a better hook when Salt-n-Pepa invited you to talk about sex, baby, in 1990. But I don’t want to talk about sex. I want to talk crotch sweat.
Yesterday morning I posted to Facebook about catching hell from the wee one about my running skirt. “Your running skirt is too short when your 21 month old stops you at the door with a grimace and says “Mama, go?? Go?? Pants!!! Pants ON!” Evidently she thought I needed pants. It was funny. Not hilarious. But a momentary “Ha!” so I quickly posted it as I hopped in the car on my way to the gym. By the time I got to the gym the post had several comments. Most of them of the “running skirt, huh?” variety.
As the day wore on I got a few more questions. I contemplated a “Running Skirts: Not Just for the Stepford Wives at the Tennis Club” kind of post. But then I realized I had a civic duty to break it down. There were gals out there (and dudes, I suppose. Hello, dudes, that do not run the opposite direction at the mention of crotch sweat. Umm. Yeah.) I owed it to these folks not to write a tongue-in-cheek answer.
So. Here we are.
Where do I start? The running skirt rules. Let me tell you why.
- Chub Rub. Nobody wants it. Unless you are a young gal or a lucky gal your thighs probably touch. This is not a huge problem when you are just casually walking down the street in a skirt. But start hustling? Yowza. You’ve got chub rub in no time. And once you’ve got it – it’s harder to get rid of than poison ivy. You think it’s gone and Boom! It’s back. You feel the burn.
- Compression shorts. They prevent the chub rub but they are not actually a fashion statement. Compressing the chub is not really … attractive. Unless your compression pants go down to your ankles they have to stop somewhere, right? And where they stop your body comes shooting out as if to shout “You can’t restrain me!! Here I am, I am your chub!!” The running skirt allows for compression shorts that no one has to see!
- Conceal the sweat. I sweat. Kind of a lot. I sweat on my face and my back and my head. I have been known to throw my hat at Emily after a long run just to hear her shriek “It’s soaking wet!!!” What I do not throw at anyone after a long run is my crotch. Sweat has a tendency to roll down the body, right? No matter where the moisture starts, whether it is from my head or my face or ample bazooms it seems to follow a path straight for my crotch. Have you ever seen one of those women that looks like she might have peed in her pants? Yeah. She is probably just sweaty. But it’s not all that cute. Because it looks like pee. And like crotch sweat. (I am going to say that a million more times to guarantee that when you google “crotch sweat” I come up. Because, really, we all have to have a goal, right?) So, the running skirt provides a perfect way to hide the sweat.
- Pee. Have you ever had a baby? I have had two. I am in a lucky minority. I can jump rope without peeing my pants. In fact ,just yesterday afternoon I exploded a jump rope at the gym. I like to do a tabata cycle of alternating jumping rope and burpees. It pretty much sucks but it is a good way to crank up your heart rate in four minutes. The whole time I jump rope I think “Don’tpeeDon’tpeeDon’tpee” and I contract my pelvic floor. (The entire time I do burpees I think “ThisfuckingsucksThisfuckingsucksThisfuckingsucks” but that has nothing to do with peeing my pants or babies. So, ladies, if you think you might pee a little – the running skirt is your friend. In fact, if I ever develop a post-partum exercise gear fashion line that will be my running skirt sales pitch – Running Skirts: They Hide the Pee.
- Lastly, I promise it really is the last reason – The Cute.
I mean c’mon. This is my all time favorite running skirt. The compression shorts are a little longer than most and it makes me feel like I have a little extra spring in my step.
Yep. Like I need extra pep.
What’s up Crotch Sweat? Oh hey, Chub, how you doin? I barely noticed you there underneath that adorable running skirt.
Running skirts deliver. They work. They just do. I resisted for a while. I thought they’d made me look like I was heading to the tennis club with Fifi and Mimsy for an afternoon smoothie and maybe we’d make it out to the tennis court. “Match point, Heather!”
I’m not a girl that wants to look cute at the gym. I’m not strong enough or fast enough to mingle with the hardcore gym rats, the least I can do is not look like I have no intention of sweating.
So, now you know my secret. The running skirt is my secret weapon. Because I sweat like … a whore in church. (When you’ve already said “crotch sweat” nine million times you don’t have to search for a simile that is not offensive. )
There’s the sweat. And yesterday’s eyeliner because I am not old enough to wash my face before I go to bed yet. I quit smoking and I exercise and I stopped drinking Bud Light all the live long day. One day I will moisturize and regularly wash my face.
And stop saying things like “crotch sweat” on the internet. One day. I promise.
Excitement on the side 
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You, go! Just got my first one at Target a few weeks ago… On sale! The only reason I bought it, actually. And now I love it. It just seems like a less conspicuous grocery store option (once caught myself staring at a woman’s bum wrapped in spandex ahead of me at the meat counter, and took it as a cautionary ‘tail’, so to speak!) Thanks for the laugh! (But (butt?) from one mother to another, you look just fine in those shorts. Gotta love the skin we’re in!)
Loving the skin we’re in – you got that right. :) Thanks for sharing your cautionary tail. ;) I am a butt checker outer, I can’t help myself. Boys, girls, it doesn’t matter, if you’re in spandex I’mma checkin.
I finally growed up enough to wash my face before bed at the young young age of 38. I’m still too lazy to moisturize. However, I found THE SECRET to pre-bed face washing. I never did it before because 1) We never have clean wash cloths. 2) It’s difficult enough to muster the energy to brush my teeth because I’m friggin’ TIRED by the time I surrender to bedtime and 3) I’m lazy. So, what miracle product changed my life?? BABY WIPES! I buy the ‘sensitive skin’ wipes (it’s like $2.86 for 500 or something ridiculously cheap like that) and keep the package right out on the counter so I don’t have to waste precious night energy on opening any drawers. A quick wipe of each eye and a swirl around the face, makeup off! It’s amazing, easy, and no more raccoon eyes in the morning!
BABY WIPES! Yes. I always have them around. I will give this a go! Maybe. We’ll see.
According to your Twitter, I am a perv for having read this whole thing. I guess I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is your final paragraph. You can’t go around promising to stop saying “crotch sweat” on the internet because either A) you are a big liar because you’ll never stop saying “crotch sweat” on the internet or B) you are a jerk because you will.
Please, please always be my friend who is not afraid to say “crotch sweat” on the internet.
Fair enough, Josh!! I will not stop. I can’t be stopped.
“… So, the running skirt provides a perfect way to hide the sweat.”
Wait, which sweat? CROTCH SWEAT, MUTHAFUCKAS!
You’re definitely a shoe-in for that google search :)
OK, I admit that I have judged the women at the gym wearing the running skirts. But now I totally get it. You’ve opened my eyes. I get it now. :-D
Eyes wide open!! I am changing the world, dammit!!!
Changing the world one susceptible pelvic floor at a time!
Now I almost wish I had a gym membership or any desire at all to run that doesn’t involve being chased by zombies or keeping my child from harassing innocent dogs just to rationalize the purchase of a running skirt.
Maybe you need the skirt. Maybe it will make you want to run?
PS I also never wash my face unless I am in the shower. I sometimes even apply makeup to my dirty face before rushing to drop off in the morning. I’m gross.
I am a huge fan of gross. And I hate washing my face unless I am in the shower. I just can’t stand it. It makes a mess of the sink. And a towel. And it gets your hair wet. No thanks.
This is perfection! I have had a terrible cough for the last week and if I cough when I have even the tiniest urge to pee, I pee myself. I also just bought my first tennis skirt. Because I am now a stepford wife playing tennis and everyone single woman wears a skirt. I felt weird showing up in regular workout gear. Before the skirt, my favorite workout pants were these cute pair of shorts with spandex built in that are a bit longer than the shorts. Same idea as the skirt but less cute. At any rate, I didn’t at all think it odd you wear a running skirt or doubt its secret purposes :). Once you to skirt, you never go back! (Unless you suddenly develop super skinny thighs.)
The skirt hides a million sins. Who knew? !