Monthly Archives: January 2012

The Big Day That Wasn’t

Posted on January 15, 2012 | 10 comments

I feel like a little girl that woke up Christmas morning to a bare tree. No presents. No ornaments. Just a tree. Taunting me.

Intellectually I understand that a “due date” is an estimate, a guess. But I was not prepared to see this day arrive without a baby in my arms. Em was three days early. “Get ready! Second babies come early,” said so many well meaning people. And here I am. Without my baby.

Intellectually I know that “Babies come when they are ready” and yet there is a little girl inside me that feels like maybe I missed my window. Maybe s/he isn’t coming. And here come the tears that I have held inside for the most part all day.

This whole pregnancy has been different. Not finding out the gender of the baby has meant that I have lived in this moment, in this pregnancy, instead of wishing it away for the baby girl that would be in my arms, as I did with Emily. It hasn’t been until the last few days that I have even really imagined it…. The baby. Our baby. And as the days passed I felt more and more ready.

And then ready turned in to an almost feverish desire.

Last night I dreamt that the doorbell rang and I opened the door and there s/he was. In a little outfit. With a little hat and a little suit case and a little smile. And I opened the door and Baby D walked in on tiny bowed newborn legs. And they were home.

And then I woke the rest of the way up and my baby was gone. Our baby was gone.

In the last few years things have changed for me. I have remarked more than a few times that it feels like someone else’s life or that my luck has turned around. I found the boy that became the man that gave me a fairy tale wedding and a home… And a baby. And that baby was going to come on time. Because that is just how this new life works. I act stunned and revel in my good fortune… But somehow in the last few years it has happened.

I guess I expect things to go my way.

But what if this is the end of that road? I have said to every midwife, every practitioner I have seen this pregnancy that this is my Labor & Delivery Do-Over. It is supposed to be my all empowering natural birth, the one that heals me. And now I have this ridiculous seed of doubt. Because of the date. January 15th. Every time it pops up on another device, my phone, my iPad, my computer “Due Date” I think … Right. Sure. If this baby even wants me anymore.

And I go back in my room and I bounce on my birth ball and I watch more Sex and the City reruns and I cry like a teenage girl. And I look at my swollen feet and my hand without an engagement ring because just this week it has gotten too small. And I whisper between the sobs “Come out, baby… C’mon out baby, please…”

And I pull it back together. And tomorrow I suspect I will go to work and make jokes about how I might be pregnant forever. But today…. Today I am not weepy because I fear I will be pregnant forever. But because I am afraid that Baby D will never come back. I saw him/her this morning. I saw my baby and I didn’t put my arms around them fast enough, or smell his/her head. Or let their fingers curl around mine….

And as absurd as it is… Now it feels like I will never get the chance. Because today is January 15th.

10 Comments

Posted in Bad Mood, Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

Tagged 40 weeks, Bad Mood, Pregnancy

Vaginal Rhymes

Posted on January 14, 2012 | 1 comment

Something about being with MQD at the midwives’ office makes us both giggle like teenagers. We sit down and try to have have this sort of “Look at us, we’re grown ups” kind of conversation while we wait but it never lasts. Within minutes we are examining the pictures on the walls and giggling. In the exam room the other day there was a quilt on the wall. It showed a woman’s reproductive system at various times through a pregnancy.

I pointed out to him my favorite square on the quilt. “I’ve always thought that square looks kind of like a monster… oooohhh….. don’t be frightened by my falllllooooopiaaaannnn tuuuubes….”

If you are lucky in love there are moments when everything else fades away just like the movies and you have tunnel vision on your beloved… All you see is this person whom you adore and there is nowhere you’d rather be.

That’s what happened moments after MQD said. “No. Not a monster. It looks like a rapper…. counting down the centimeters you are dilated. ONE centimeter… TWO centimeters… ” and he slid his hand back and forth, making the “wikkee-wikkee” international sign for record scratching.

Sigh… that, friends, is how you know someone is “the one.”

1 Comment

Posted in Nonsense, Pregnancy

Tagged 40 weeks, fallopian tubes, Pregnancy, reproductive system, uterus

Sharing is Caring…

Posted on January 14, 2012 | 5 comments

Every time I go to bed or walk out of the house I wonder if the next time I walk back in it will be with a baby in my arms. It is not out of the ordinary for me, especially since we have moved, to make sure things are picked up before I go to bed. To run the vacuum in the morning after everyone has left or to wipe the kitchen counters down and start the dishwasher. But I have been hyper vigilant (read: neurotic) in the last few days.

I guess it is the get ready to have a baby equivalent of wearing clean underwear in case you get in a car accident.

As I sat down at the kitchen table this morning for a very un-Saturday like breakfast of Cheerios I was startled by two things. The first, I had left the recycling on the counter last night, including the box from the pie I was eating while sitting on the exercise ball. The second, my big girl… she looked like a tiny little thing. In her oversized Tinkerbell bathrobe, she looked so young. It’s easy to forget that Em is still a tiny kid. Sometimes her “wise beyond her years” self almost tricks me in to thinking she really isn’t six years old.

I grabbed my phone and started taking pictures, hoping to capture this moment. And then this lovely moment of my little girl eating breakfast with the sun light on her face turned in to this…

"Can I ask you a question?"

She made this sneaky face and started to grill me. “Did you eat the whole pie last night, Mom?”

“No, I did not eat the whole pie….”

"Really? The box is on the counter."

She thought she had me backed in to a corner, that she had busted me. And I told her “No, actually I saved you a piece.”

Satisfaction....

She seemed satisfied with that answer and returned to her bowl of cereal. She ate in silence for a bit before she had a proposition.

"We can split it. You and me."

She’s a keeper, that kid. I like the way she thinks. Almost as much as I like pie.

5 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting

Tagged cheerios, clean underwear, Parenting, pie, ready to have a baby, sharing

The Overshare of Overshares

Posted on January 13, 2012 | 13 comments

This morning in the shower I wrote a blog post in my mind. I’d say roughly half the time I sit down to write I have a roughed out thought process. I have always had these little monologues in my brain. And now if by the time I get to what seems like the end of my train of thought it amuses me enough to write it down, I do. If it was meaningful enough for me to not want to forget, I write it down.

The other half of the time I have no game plan and just ramble on until I feel empty. I daresay you can tell one kind of post from the other.

And then there are the inner monologues that never see the light of day. I wrote one of those this morning in the shower. As I was getting out I told MQD that I had just had a blog post roll around in my head that by the time I got to the end I thought “whoa, you can’t go around saying shit like that.”

He doesn’t often encourage me to keep talking. Especially first thing in the morning. But he took the bait. He asked. And I told him.

The sensible half of this partnership, you may blame him…. Because he said “THAT is exactly the kind of thing you should write… with a picture of Ralphie and his walking stick. All blind and shit…” and he began to act it out.

So without further ado… I give you a Public Service Announcement, brought to you by Ralphie.
An Open Letter to Blind Women and the Men and Women that errmm… Get Down with Them…

If you regularly get it on with a blind gal or if you are one and her/your bush is 80s style wild and unkempt… please, don’t feel like that is the way things have to be. Or that the only option is waxing by a professional.

I’m here to blow the lid off the whole “Oh, I am blind I can’t possibly be expected to shave my bikini line and certainly not the deep downstairs, the undercarriage… (call it what you want, but I am gonna call it a wild jungle of pubic hair) because I can’t even see down there….” because that is some bulllllshit.

I haven’t been able to see what is going on downstairs for the last six weeks. At least. And I can guarandamntee it does not resemble its formers self (thanks so much excessive blood flow and hormones and all the other gross things that happen inside and out to your nether regions during pregnancy) but you know what? Without the benefit of seeing I can still put one foot up on the side of the tub and keep things tidy. You just gotta visualize, people. And use a new razor.

So, if you’re a blind gal and you think you can coast on through life thinking that it is outside the realm of possibility for you to have a nice and tidy undercarriage… you are just lazy. And timid. Because I am here to tell you that it can be done.

I am ready for my close up. Come out, come out wherever you are, Baby D. Mama is camera ready. This is as good as it gets. A brand new Mach 3 blade was brought out just for you. Nothin’s holding you back but you, kid.

End of PSA

Editor’s Note: It is official. I have lost my damn mind. 39 weeks and five days pregnant. And I am off my rocker. But so is MQD, because Ralphie was his idea, and that really might be the creepiest thing about this PSA, the choice of spokesperson.

Just in case you’re playing along at home on some kind of weird board game like Life with the stages and phases of pregnancy and labor on it… Chiropractor to get hips aligned. Check. Acupuncture to get labor started. Check. 40 week exam (and the first internal exam I have had since my initial appointment at the birthing center, thank you very much, midwives) reveals me to be 3 cm dilated and 50% effaced.

And you thought it was oversharing when I posted a picture of my IUD. Pfffttt. Puhleazze.

This is what you look like if you start reading "Truly Tasteless Joke Books" when you are 10 years old. You might have the good sense to hide your face. But you're still gonna say it. Whatever comes to mind...

13 Comments

Posted in Parenting

Tagged bikini line, Pregnancy, public service announcement, ralphie, Shaving, wild jungle

January 13th

Posted on January 12, 2012 | 7 comments

January 13th is a Friday this year, as I am sure you are well aware. For some this is a day filled with superstition. Friday or not, I can’t help but grin from ear to ear on January 13th each year.

In January of 2005 babies were the furthest thing from my mind. In fact I spent the better part of at least three or four nights a week with two older gentleman. One had been around at least a couple hundred years the other was in his early 80s. Jim Beam. And Ralph. I was tending bar in the evenings and working at The Outer Banks Hospital in the dietary office during the day. Ralph was my favorite customer both places. Jim Beam was his drink of choice. My days were fulfilling and my nights were long and hazy but I had youth on my side and managed to pull it off.

I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant… but I wasn’t doing anything to prevent it. I’d been married for several years and I was 29 years old. It would happen when it was time.

On January 13th I woke up a little before five am, as was my norm. And I peed on a stick. Not a usual occurrence. Positive. I woke up Jeremy, he said not to tell anyone. That we needed to be sure. We’d wait a little while, we’d test again.

And I went to to work.

It was shortly after 9 am when I caved. I burst in to my boss’ office, closed the door and told my secret. Even though it wasn’t totally necessary to do so I had the luxury of a blood test at my disposal and by 10:30 that morning I had called my husband and my parents and spilled the beans. I was pregnant.

January 13th. I don’t think I will have a baby with a birthday on January 13th. But that’s okay. Because I became a mother on January 13th, 2005. And I never looked back.

7 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

Tagged Anniversary, Family, january 13th, jim beam, Love, Parenting, pregnancy test, Pregnant, superstition

Curfew

Posted on January 12, 2012 | 10 comments

They say that babies respond best to high contrasting colors. Hence the influx of black and white graphic images on baby toys these days.

So, I am sending out a postcard to Baby D.

Listen up, Baby D. If you think you are gonna stroll in this house one minute past January 15th and have everyone say “Ohh, so cute, look at the babyyy!!” you have another thing coming. January. 15th. Not the 16th. Not the 17th. Not “on my way, but running late…” January. 15th. We had a deal.

Actually, call if you’re gonna be early. I might be taking a walk. Or trying to have sex. Or stimulating my nipples or some other labor-inducing nonsense and that would just be weird for everyone.

Now. Do what you need to do. Have fun. Be home on Sunday. Got it?

Love, Mom

10 Comments

Posted in Parenting, Pregnancy

Tagged 40 weeks, baby toys, contrasting colors, due date, Pregnancy

When M&Ms won’t cut it….

Posted on January 11, 2012 | 9 comments

If you read pregnancy blogs or books (or even an Iphone app I have been using) you know that everyone suggests that the expecting mom and her partner make sure to take time for themselves before the birth of their baby. They suggest a “second trimester get-away.” After the sleepiness of the first trimester and before the third trimester uncomfortable-ness sets in, I guess, the happy couple is supposed to head off to a bed and breakfast and bask in the joy of their impending bundle. I can’t really wrap my mind around that.

To me, that translates in to an overpriced weekend away in a time when Baby Budgeting is all consuming. A weekend away where I can’t have a glass of wine, I may or may not get what I want to eat and I might fall asleep before I even remember to get laid. No, thanks.

MQD and I have mini-dates all of the time instead. They tend to last about an hour and take place while Em is either in bed for the night or having dinner across the street. And tonight we had a sneak attack date. My favorite kind. Em had an invite for dinner so MQD and I did what any two red blooded newlyweds would do.

We went to the grocery store. First we smooched in the kitchen and made some inappropriate jokes at our pets, and then I invited him to tag along with me while I ran out for a frozen pizza. Can you have a better time?

Yeah. You can. At 39 weeks pregnant M&Ms will do the trick. But at 39.5 weeks… you need Pizza. And Turtle Pie. And Nachos. And Oreos.

Last Hurrah

As we walked towards the check out we were giggling like a couple of freewheeling twentysomethings without a care in the world. MQD looks around, evidently failing to take note of my pregnancy waddle and says “Do we look high?”

I burst in to giggles. We unloaded our “groceries” and examined our bounty, as if one item would jump off the conveyor belt and answer the question he had posed.

“It’s not the food, Mike… it’s your slippers.”

Best Date Ever

I couldn’t have asked for a better time. Pizza, nachos, oreos, pie and giggles. It’s not lost on me that at 39.5 weeks pregnant the Best Date Ever has all the ingredients of a 12 year old’s slumber party.

9 Comments

Posted in Pregnancy

Tagged expecting mom, frozen pizza, junk food, M&Ms, Pregnancy, turtle pie

Love & Marriage

Posted on January 10, 2012 | 11 comments

Love and marriage… go together like assorted maxi pads and M&Ms? Somehow I don’t think that is what Frank Sinatra had in mind when he said “horse and carriage.”

But that about sums it up as far as I am concerned.

The other night I stood in the hallway between our bedroom and our living room. Our beautiful new king sized bed in our lovely bedroom called my name. But my husband, sitting on our new couch in our new living room… he looked pretty cute, too. We are still newlyweds, afterall. The siren’s call of our bed won me over so I inquired “Will you come and sit with me for a minute? I’ll be asleep in five minutes.”

He rose from the couch and went to get me a glass of water. Grabbed my Tums off the kitchen counter as he returned, placing them both next to my side of the bed. He climbed in to bed next to me and began to laugh. “You know we have only been married for nine months?”

Without even thinking how it might be received I blurted out “It seems like SO much longer than that.”

He smiled and said “Well, I am glad you feel that way, too…”

It has been a whirlwind of a year. Last winter we were finalizing wedding plans. And a year later we are in our new house, married, our daughter climbing on to the school bus at the base of our driveway every morning, waiting on the birth of our baby.

If your life has to resemble a Talking Heads song better “Once in a Lifetime” (And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife and you may ask yourself— Well…How did I get here?) than “Life During Wartime” (This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, This ain’t no fooling around, No time for dancing or lovey dovey, I ain’t got time for that now!!!)

So, what does this have to do with maxipads and M&Ms?

The other evening I tucked Em in to bed and snuck back downstairs. In to the medicine cabinet in our bedroom I went.

There was a time in my life when the master bedroom medicine cabinet was a treasure trove of good times. Need to sleep? Wake up? Get happy? Chill out? Get psyched? I gotcha.

And now this. I paused as I opened the door and snapped the picture above. And then I listened for little feet before I snagged the bag of M&Ms that MQD had hidden for me. Had to make sure that no one would bust me ripping the bag open. There in my medicine cabinet is everything I need to feel great. Big maxi pads, small maxipads, lanolin for sore nipples, breast pads for leaky boobs, my favorite face soap… and a bag of peanut M&Ms.

It’s no secret I am not exactly feeling great lately. I am DONE being pregnant. Finished. Ready to trade the low throbbing all day pelvic bone pain for the pains of labor. Ready to hold this baby in my arms, instead of between my thighs (or at least that is how it feels, so help me every time I get up I feel like a baby is sure to fall out and hit the floor, if only it were that easy.)

But this morning… this morning I felt great. Super. Awesome. Like today is gonna be cool. It might even be okay if I stay pregnant through the next TWO or even THREE days… because the M&Ms… they are multiplying. I don’t think it is magic. I think it is Love & Marriage.

Love & Marriage

I love you, MQD. It has been one hell of a ride, these last nine months. We laughed when we started looking at real estate that we were out of minds to get married, have a baby and buy a house all in one year. But give us a few more days… and we’ll have made it. Relatively unscathed. I know I am no picnic. And I know it might have felt more like Wartime than Once in a Lifetime at times… but the best days are still ahead of us, sweetheart. Hang in there, we got this. And keep stocking the medicine cabinet. xxoo

11 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

Tagged 39 weeks, life during wartime, Love, M&Ms, Marriage, maxi pads, medicine cabinet, Pregnancy, Talking Heads

Elephantitis of the Ankles

Posted on January 8, 2012 | 3 comments

“My feet look like elephant feet.”

As I struggled to get out of the car I dropped something. For the 800th time today. “I’m a mess,” I mumble to no one in particular.

From the back seat Em chimes in “And you can’t stop saying shit.”

Without missing a beat MQD says “You’re already Mother of the Year, only eight days in.”

3 Comments

Posted in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

Tagged cankles, Emily, Mother of the Year, MQD, Pregnancy

All Through the Night

Posted on January 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

Eventually I had to leave the late 1970s behind. As inspirational as they may be.

This morning’s revelation is brought to you by 1984. Cyndi Lauper’s “She’s So Unusual” was crucial to my development. Of course “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was a big hit, but it was “Time After Time” that really touched me as a kid. Even as an eight year old I liked to sit in my room occasionally and wax poetic. Throwing myself to the ground passionately as I sang along “If you fall I will catch you…”

But not until I had Emily did “All Through the Night” go through my head over and over again. Night after night, dare I say it, time after time.

All through the night
I’ll be awake and I’ll be with you
All through the night
This precious time when time is new …

The last few nights have been sleepless reminders of her newborn days. The tossing and turning of pregnancy is tolerable. There are moments, sometimes hours of deep sleep, peppered with trips to the bathroom and uncomfortable rolling over and rearranging of pillows. But there is sleep. These last few nights, however, have been long trials. Preparation so my body can remember it’s amazing ability to function on “rest.”

Last night I encouraged MQD to go ahead and head out to see our friends. His Saturday night outings may be few and far between in the coming months. I climbed in to bed alone and could feel the impending discomfort of another sleepless night. The thought crossed my mind that I won’t probably sleep all through the night until I had a baby in my arms. And then I had to laugh. Because surely I will not sleep then, either.

But last night. Last night I slept. With my baby in my arms. All through the night. I had to wake her. And hold her hand as she stumbled down the stairs. She climbed up in my bed and was asleep almost instantly. But not before she said “I love you, Mommy.”

And I love you, baby girl. Thank you for the good night’s sleep.

Always. You will always be my baby girl.