I have showered eighteen of the first nineteen days of Lucy’s life.
I have eaten pizza for dinner only twice.
I have zero dirty clothes right now and only a small basket of clothes that need to be put away.
My kitchen floor has been mopped four times and my bathrooms are clean.
I have written eight blog posts.
I helped Em make a project for her hundredth day of school.
I went to Staples.
I have vacuumed at least every other day and the couch has been vacuumed three times. Every day I make the bed.
I have walked my dog three times.
And only twice have I stayed in bed past 7:30 am.
And yet it doesn’t seem like enough.
It’s been almost three weeks and this morning is the first time I just stayed in bed and held her. It goes too fast.
And I’ve been missing it. In an effort to not miss a beat I’ve missed the only beat that won’t be waiting for me in weeks, months and years.
I know what Lucy smells like, the way the top of her head feels against my lips. I know the sound she makes me when she nurses because she is hungry and I know the way she sighs before she falls asleep. I know what her toes feel like because I have taken to sleeping face to face with her, her foot in my hand. She is in my arms or nursing or snuggled against me in a wrap nearly all of her waking hours.
I have taken more than 300 pictures.
But until this morning I don’t think I knew what she looked like.
My baby girl, Lucy Quinn, is nineteen days old and this morning we stayed in bed until 10:45. And I took a long look at her. And at me.
I started working full time for a general contractor on January 28, 2008 as their office manager and bookkeeper. In the last four years we have seen business ebb and flow. But lately it has been slower than not. As I sat down to go over the finances with my boss the other day we were discussing needing to make payroll in the coming weeks.
He said ”Let’s talk about what is realistic for you.”
I’m afraid I know what is realistic. For me. I have a full time job.
Life has a way of putting what you need out in front of you. Whether or not you reach out and grab it, that’s on you.
This morning when I woke up my dream job was staring me right in the face.
And I think I have to reach out and grab it.