Day Ten: One confession.
The last of the Ten Day Challenge has me a little uncomfortable. I don’t have a lot of secrets. So, a confession isn’t easy for me to come up with. The only real option is to say something “out loud” that makes me uncomfortable. It is not a secret, so it isn’t really a confession, that I want to get pregnant next Spring.
The confession is that I am terrified. I am scared I won’t be able to get pregnant. I am scared that something will go wrong with a resulting pregnancy and I won’t know how to not be heartbroken, even though I “have a perfectly healthy child already.” I am scared that my age will have caught up with me and another pregnancy might not be as easy as my last. I am scared that “trying” to get pregnant will become the most unromantic thing ever, thereby ruining whatever honeymoon phase MQD and I get to experience after our wedding. I am scared I will get pregnant and everything will go beautifully until I have an infant in my arms. And then I will begin to mourn the loss of the time when it was just me and Emily and I will never love another as I do her. I am scared that the peace I have come to with my post-baby body will not come back to me again. I am scared. Of everything.
I am scared to say it out loud. That I want another baby. I wanted another child not long after I had Emily. I loved being pregnant. I want Em to be a sister. I want MQD to experience fatherhood from conception. I want him to be a Daddy and not “just a Mike.” Even though I absolutely know he is not just a Mike, and I hope against hope he knows that, too. I want to trust that it will happen when it’s right, if it’s right. But I want it so god damn badly. And as I have written about in the past… I don’t feel really comfortable when I want something so badly. Because wanting something opens the door for failing to achieve it.
The scariest part? I truly believe it will all be fine. I do. But I sure do love worrying about things I can’t control. Call it a hobby.
Super pregnant with Emily…. this reminds me, I need new Reefs. They are fabulous flip-flops. I loved this day. I felt huge. And ready. This was about two weeks before Em was born.
About five months pregnant at a Panic show in Portsmouth. Proof that I stick my tongue out if you point a camera at me, even when I am not drinking.
About two month’s pregnant at Scott & Lauren’s wedding. Proof that I hug my brother occasionally, even when I am not drinking.