Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
I try to live without regret. The big things, the hard things, the things that make me who I am, there’s nothing I’d change. Because I believe in my heart of hearts I am the person that I am because of the choices I have made. This makes forgiveness a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around, both of myself and of others. Because I think people really are a sum of their parts. But I’ll give this a whirl.
- Start smoking. The very first time. I don’t think I would have started if I’d not started so young. I wasn’t one to just roll along with the crowd once I got older. Damn you and you enticing Capri Menthol Ultra Lights from the vending machine at the Chinese restaurant.
- Worry so damn much about my weight. Especially when looking back I can see I was strong and healthy. And dare I say, thin?
- Rip my stitches out of my arm at lunch when I was 8. Because I have a gross scar I’d likely not have if I’d not done that.
- Wait so long to tell my dad that I have a hard time communicating with him. I know it hurt him to hear, but it wasn’t his fault. We are so similar. And just saying it out loud made it ten times better instantly.
- Hide from people that cared about me when I was in the thick of my divorce. I missed two weddings because I didn’t want anyone that knew me to see how much I was hurting. I avoided phone calls. I hid. In a time of my life when I needed to reach out most. I just wasn’t ready to see someone make that “Ohhh… I am so sorry to hear that” face. I thought that I’d be pitied. And I couldn’t stomach that. When I finally pulled my big-girl pants on and reached out I realized that the people I loved, and that loved me, were proud of me for making changes. For taking steps towards happiness even though I was frightened. They didn’t pity me at all. I wasted a lot of time.
- Stop wearing my retainer. Because while it works for Lauren Hutton, I hate the gap in my teeth.
And one to grow on… said the girl who has no regrets. I wish I hadn’t discounted the necessity of women in my life for so long. I was “one of the boys” for a long, long time. And I thought it was because I didn’t really like women, or they didn’t like me. I can see now it was because your girlfriends don’t let you get away with shit . They call your bluff and see right through you. I’m glad I figured this one out when I did. But I can’t imagine how much less lonely I’d have been if I’d figured it out sooner.
And just because this makes me giggle…
Excitement on the side 