10 Day Challenge (5)

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

I try to live without regret.  The big things, the hard things, the things that make me who I am, there’s nothing I’d change.  Because I believe in my heart of hearts I am the person that I am because of the choices I have made.  This makes forgiveness a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around, both of myself and of others.  Because I think people really are a sum of their parts.  But I’ll give this a whirl.

  1. Start smoking.  The very first time.  I don’t think I would have started if I’d not started so young.  I wasn’t one to just roll along with the crowd once I got older.  Damn you and you enticing Capri Menthol Ultra Lights from the vending machine at the Chinese restaurant.
  2. Worry so damn much about my weight.  Especially when looking back I can see I was strong and healthy.  And dare I say, thin?
  3. Rip my stitches out of my arm at lunch when I was 8.  Because I have a gross scar I’d likely not have if I’d not done that.
  4. Wait so long to tell my dad that I have a hard time communicating with him.  I know it hurt him to hear, but it wasn’t his fault.  We are so similar.  And just saying it out loud made it ten times better instantly.
  5. Hide from people that cared about me when I was in the thick of my divorce.  I missed two weddings because I didn’t want anyone that knew me to see how much I was hurting.  I avoided phone calls.  I hid.  In a time of my life when I needed to reach out most.  I just wasn’t ready to see someone make that “Ohhh… I am so sorry to hear that” face.  I thought that I’d be pitied.  And I couldn’t stomach that.  When I finally pulled my big-girl pants on and reached out I realized that the people I loved, and that loved me, were proud of me for making changes.  For taking steps towards happiness even though I was frightened.  They didn’t pity me at all.  I wasted a lot of time.
  6. Stop wearing my retainer.  Because while it works for Lauren Hutton, I hate the gap in my teeth.

And one to grow on… said the girl who has no regrets.  I wish I hadn’t discounted the necessity of women in my life for so long.  I was “one of the boys” for a long, long time.  And I thought it was because I didn’t really like women, or they didn’t like me.  I can see now it was because your girlfriends don’t let you get away with shit .   They call your bluff and see right through you.  I’m glad I figured this one out when I did.  But I can’t imagine how much less lonely I’d have been if I’d figured it out sooner.

And just because this makes me giggle…

Gimme some love!! Please?

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