Believe it or not, I have secrets. Well. A secret. Maybe.
I was pregnant with Emily before I farted in front of my ex-husband. We had been together for almost nine years. I don’t suppose it changed how he felt about me. Were it not for the day after Emily was born when I ran up the stairs with my arms over my head like Rocky Balboa crying out “Yes!!!! I did it and I did not bust my stitches!!” he might still believe that I do not, in fact, poop, at all.
Somehow even as “take me as I am” as I was in my twenties it was still important to me to be a girl that does not poop. You’re thinking that isn’t really something to be proud of? I guess it’s not.
But I can tell you what is. I have been pregnant for 81 weeks. Two vaginal births. I have gained and lost a total of more than 70 pounds. I have two beautiful children one of whom was just shy of ten pounds at birth. And I have never ever had a hemorrhoid. Never.
In my thirties I have been more relaxed. I poop with the door open. My husband and I have no secrets. He would argue that he has no privacy but I prefer to think of it as no secrets.
But now? Now I think we might have a secret. But I’m not sure.
I might not be the woman he married anymore. I might not even be the woman I was just a few days ago. I might have a secret. I might have a hemorrhoid.
Do I find a support group? Am I forever a changed woman? Is something wrong with me that I am more upset about losing my title as The Woman That Never Had a Hemorrhoid than I am about actually maybe possibly having one?
This morning as I kissed my sweet husband good morning I could stand it no longer. “I have to tell you something. This weekend I pooped a football and now I think I have a hemorrhoid.”
He knew I was embarrassed. He didn’t laugh at me. “Ok. Did you buy Preparation H?”
I nodded.
“Are you using it?” Dammit, he knows me too well.
I shook my head. “I’m in denial.”
“Use the cream and you never have to bring it up again.” Sweet man. He was giving me an out. He was going to let this be our secret.
“I might tell the Internet.”
“Ok.”
I don’t know what I want you to do with this information. I just can’t live a lie. I am not the woman I used to be. I don’t think. I mean, I’m not really sure. You didn’t think I was going to check, did you? Sheesh.
Look. I am distracting you with a Wedding Dress Cartwheel. Let’s never speak of this again, ok?
Excitement on the side 
I also cheered and celebrated unnecessarily when I first pooped after birth. It is terrifying to push even a little after all the drama that took place down there!
In other news, Kelsey finally helped me set up my blogroll so that I can read all the blogs I like at night when I am breastfeeding. I am getting a lot of reading done, which is awesome. But what this means for you is that I might be going back through all your past posts and commenting, since I dig your writing. :)
Comment away!! There are some doozies from when Goose was tiny. I am happy you are “here” as I have enjoyed stalking your sweet family. :)
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You can join the hemmy club with the rest of us. I haven’t even had kids yet, though I got them from being a teacher (gosh darn too quick breaks!) so I’ve had kids, just not “had” kids, you know…
Don’t worry, you can still live life to the fullest. I promise.
Are you referring to your poops as kids? ;)
LOL! Seriously loling – and I wasn’t – but now I am!
You are a funny lady. Or girl. Whichever one of those two that doesn’t poop.
I’d like to think I am a littl bit of girl and a little bit of lady. I keep the lady in my pinkie fingers.
Ah. Today I wrote on the awkward time your partner learns that you actually poop. It’s horrifying!
HORRIFYING!
Lmao!! Love it girl! Happens to the best of us. Eat more fiber & try not to eat so many football’s, because they hurt when they come out the other end!! And thanks for oversharing, because I needed a good laugh to start my Friday!!
Oversharing seems to be my niche. ;)
I cannot believe you got through two births without a hemorrhoid! Ugh! If I didn’t love this post so much, I would hate you! =)
HA! Fair enough.
You just made me laugh at the doctors office where I am sitting waiting either for a miracle cute or a bullet to end it. Good job. Mums the word.
Simply adorable . “I’ll tell the internet” seems like the modern confession of a couple pass secrets of pooping with the door open .
Ha! Yup.
The comments on this post are killing me!!! hahahahah
;) I have a bunch of smartassed friends.
Wait, girls poop?
Women poop. Girls don’t.
Whoa. That is a profound statement if I have ever seen one.
I am bringing great truths today, Becca. Watch out.
I am scared, but I also like it.
I love this post so much! :) He sounds like a wonderful man.
He sure is. I am a lucky girl, no doubt.
this set me laughing. . . did you say you pooped a football? LOL :D That’s a lovely man you’ve got.
I’m a little surprized that there is no picture of your hemorrhoid. You’ve shown us (almost) everything else…
Ha, yep. Every now and again I surprise ya.
Oh man, that was a kick ass wedding dress. And perfect shoes to go with it. That’s all I have to say.
:)
I’m having a hard time believing that running up the stairs the day after giving birth thing, too. If I had run up the stairs a day after I had my son, there would also be pee running down my leg. You are lucky you have a husband who will listen. My husband encourages us to believe he has not butt, therefore he couldn’t possibly poop or fart, both of which he denies doing.
It was more of a slow motion run!
I just love this post.
Ha! Thank you, thanks for stopping by!
I think you married a good man. And he married a good and funny woman. Hemmies are proof the universe is twisted sometimes.
Hemmies … ha! THAT is awesome. THAT was perception-changing. I think they just needed a little re-branding.
Indeed!
Twisted, indeed!!
I cannot believe you didn’t check. Grab a mirror AND CHECK! And I can’t believe that you didn’t get any even though you had two vaginal births. But the biggest thing is I can’t believe that you ran up the stairs the day after Em was born. Way more jealous of your postpartum experiences than I am of your hemorrhoid free lifestyle. Because, um, I’ve pretty much come to terms with my butt failings….
OMG, Kelly, I love you today more than ever. Enjoy your new hemorrhoid.
And by the way… nearly two years passed and I’m sure Matt didn’t think I pooped until I got a stomach bug while we were travelling. That’s fun. (Can we stop please? AGAIN? NOW!)
What else is there to do but ENJOY!?
I think I just popped a hemmy laughing dude You win the Internet today and probably tomorrow too. Oh my god.
For you, love… I do it all for you.