Day Ten: One confession.
The last of the Ten Day Challenge has me a little uncomfortable. I don’t have a lot of secrets. So, a confession isn’t easy for me to come up with. The only real option is to say something “out loud” that makes me uncomfortable. It is not a secret, so it isn’t really a confession, that I want to get pregnant next Spring.
The confession is that I am terrified. I am scared I won’t be able to get pregnant. I am scared that something will go wrong with a resulting pregnancy and I won’t know how to not be heartbroken, even though I “have a perfectly healthy child already.” I am scared that my age will have caught up with me and another pregnancy might not be as easy as my last. I am scared that “trying” to get pregnant will become the most unromantic thing ever, thereby ruining whatever honeymoon phase MQD and I get to experience after our wedding. I am scared I will get pregnant and everything will go beautifully until I have an infant in my arms. And then I will begin to mourn the loss of the time when it was just me and Emily and I will never love another as I do her. I am scared that the peace I have come to with my post-baby body will not come back to me again. I am scared. Of everything.
I am scared to say it out loud. That I want another baby. I wanted another child not long after I had Emily. I loved being pregnant. I want Em to be a sister. I want MQD to experience fatherhood from conception. I want him to be a Daddy and not “just a Mike.” Even though I absolutely know he is not just a Mike, and I hope against hope he knows that, too. I want to trust that it will happen when it’s right, if it’s right. But I want it so god damn badly. And as I have written about in the past… I don’t feel really comfortable when I want something so badly. Because wanting something opens the door for failing to achieve it.
The scariest part? I truly believe it will all be fine. I do. But I sure do love worrying about things I can’t control. Call it a hobby.
Super pregnant with Emily…. this reminds me, I need new Reefs. They are fabulous flip-flops. I loved this day. I felt huge. And ready. This was about two weeks before Em was born.
About five months pregnant at a Panic show in Portsmouth. Proof that I stick my tongue out if you point a camera at me, even when I am not drinking.
About two month’s pregnant at Scott & Lauren’s wedding. Proof that I hug my brother occasionally, even when I am not drinking.
Excitement on the side 
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I bought new flipflops recently, Reefs actually. I had no idea at all what that metal business on the bottom was until I read your lush drinky-post and thought OH! thats what that is!
Younceses might jump on that springtime bandwagon too, you never know.
You guys are the best. Nick, totally wore that pink shirt all of the time. Correct on the first two, the third is a bridesmaid’s me and my new boobs managed to barely squeeze in to. :) Karen, your struggles of late have touched me. For you, certainly, and because I imagine myself in your shoes frequently. Thanks, to you both, as always.
It might not be terribly helpful to hear from me about pregnancy, but no matter what happens you’ll be OK because you have MQD and Emily. That is not to say everything happens for a reason (you probably know my feelings on that one), or that the shitty stuff doesn’t hurt like hell. But there is a strong possibility there won’t be any shitty stuff. That is my hope for you guys.
I think you have on the same top in all three of these pictures – at least the first two. And yes, that is your big reward for baring your soul on the interwebz. Scared about babies and life changes – have some fashion commentary! I too can get worried, but i do my work on the other end of that stick. It is all still stuff i can’t control, but that is because it already happened. I worry about the past, i plan for the future, and i try to live right now. I am really good at the first one, and i do my best at the other two. See, i am still not really talking about babies. While i bring little in the way of advice or even comfort, i have a sack full of distraction for ya’!