No matter how happy you are, no matter how much you live the life you believe in your heart that you want, there are moments that you look at the door and think “I could just walk out. Right now I would like to just walk right out the door.”
Not forever. Just for the morning. And not because you aren’t happy, just because occasionally it feels like you live in the movie Groundhog Day – “Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.” I walked in to the kitchen this morning wearing my winter uniform (velour jogging suit and a tank top) just as I did the day before. And likely just as I will tomorrow.
“I am not making breakfast. I feel like all I ever do is cook food and clean it up. All day.”
If you live across the street from your best friend than you can put on a baseball hat, grab a cup of coffee and walk out the door. Thirty seconds later I was standing in a different kitchen with only one of my children, drinking coffee and bullshitting about absolutely nothing in the way that only women can.
Sitting at her kitchen table I can just sit. I don’t have to fold her laundry, though I have. I don’t have to let her dogs in and out ten times, though I can yell at them for barking. Somehow her kids and their incredible loudness is funny to me, almost entertaining. It’s a change of scenery and sometimes that is all I need. I don’t long for a new life, I just want to live it in a different kitchen for an hour.
I walked back in the house feeling good. “I emptied the dishwasher and I washed out the casserole pan from last night,” sad MQD. A good man picks up your slack. I could have thanked him. Or given him shit for reporting to me like he was a kid deserving of a gold star.
Instead I just smiled and said “That’s it?”
There is a changing of the guard that takes place between parents. I had been “off duty” and I was clocking back in, I could feel it. I was getting the full report of the status of things and he was checking out. When you take away a man’s man cave and make it in to a guest room/baby room you can expect him to lock himself in the bathroom for an hour on Saturday morning.
We listen to Spotify all day from the desktop in the kitchen. There is always music in our house. Always. I was on the couch in the living room, laptop perched on my knees, coffee just out of reach of the little one. “I found a new artist you might like. You should listen to them. When you get your ass back in to the kitchen,” he said. That smirk of his is going to save his ass a thousand times over.
This morning I had a moment when I thought it was hell on earth to relive the same day over and over again. Two hours later and I am smiling ear to ear. Bring it on, Winter. I am going to wear this velour sweatsuit every day. I am going to wear this hat every day. I am going to stand in my kitchen and think about what we are going to eat next only moments after cleaning up from the previous meal. And I am digging the ever-loving shit out of it, yes, I am.
Life isn’t that complicated. Living the same day over and over again gives you the chance to get it right, eventually. It’s not even 11 o’clock in the morning and I feel like I have this day by the balls. What’s up, Saturday? Wanna feel my sweat suit? This is what Happy feels like. Sorry about the coffee breath, you’ll get used to it.
Keep: This grey hat that will henceforth be known as The Hat I Wore All Winter While I Grew Out That Shitty Haircut
Trash: A handful of stretched out rubber bands and nasty bobby pins from the bottom of the hair accoutrements catch all drawer in the bathroom.
Donate: A pile of headbands to Emily June, because this Winter is the Winter of the Hat not the Headband. I have decided.