Category Archives: Pregnancy

Saturday Morning

It was 6:51 when Fisher’s tail started thwap-thwap-thwap at the end of the bed,  the sound that a dog’s tail makes when he is excitedly wagging his tail against the bed from the prone position.   “Mom!  Did I sleep in? I think I slept in!”

It was about a quarter after seven last night when I felt my eyes get heavy. It didn’t seem fair that I pass out during Friday night movie night,  I had picked the movie, Lily Tomlin’s  The Incredible Shrinking Woman.  But there was no fighting it.  MQD woke me a little after eight and I climbed in to bed.  Continue reading

If you go down to the woods today…

We hit a snag on the closing on our house.  It happens.  We had planned to close several weeks before we needed to move just in case.

My computer at work fried.  That happens, too.  I had my data backed up because it is always a possibility.

Jer’s grandfather had an emergency surgery yesterday, he pulled through like a champ, but it was quite a scare.

I think there was something else that had me blue.  How quickly one forgets… I had a tantrum because MQD “doesn’t like me.”  All in all, I had a shit day.  Nothing permanent.  All things that I had either prepared for, could have predicted or that turned out okay in the end. Continue reading

Fear

Fear seems to be a reoccurring theme with me.  I’m not sure if the pregnancy induced insomnia makes me crazy on the inside or if it’s just that I have the time to dwell on the crazy I have already got.  No reason to spend hours dissecting that question, which came first the insomnia or the worrying.  Either way, I don’t sleep lately.  I just worry.  Continue reading

Ride on Red Hot Mama

A long time ago, in a previous life time there were two seasons.  Fall Tour and Spring Tour.  Widespread Panic, of course.  “Excitement on the Side” is actually a line from WSP’s “Bowlegged Woman.”

Long ago vacations were spent in a haze catching as many Panic shows as I could before I returned to work and my relatively more responsible life.  And then I was pregnant (and I still caught a few shows) and then Emily was born and my life suddenly seemed too busy to take a week to run around and  “see a band.”  I caught a few shows here and there when Em was still under a year old.   I can’t be the only music fan that rolled in to a hotel room full of people I hadn’t seen in forever and immediately set up a breast pump.

And then life went from busy to messy with my divorce. I guess some couples have “a song.” Jer and I had a whole god damn band.  It was part of what we did together.  We got new cars when we were pregnant with Em and immediately sticker slammed them and got matching WSP license plates, COCONUTS for me CHILYH2O for him.  You give up a lot when you leave a long relationship: friends, furniture, your favorite sweatpants since they don’t actually belong to you.  But I was determined not to give up my band! Continue reading

Long-term Sense Memory

Last night Jer brought me a box of stuff.   Books I had written in elementary school.  “The Mysterious Furious Hill” is a real scream.  Badges I’d earned that hadn’t made it on to my Girl Scout sash. A report card from the second grade.  A picture of my preschool class at Prince of Peace, circa 1979-80.  I held that photograph in my hand and I could feel  these plastic egg shaped puzzle toys.  I could remember Mrs. Fish at my house.  She let me “fish” out my name tag with a fishing pole.  A magnet, a stick, a string and a safety pin on a name tag.  And thirty-one years later, I remember.

How do I remember this stuff?  We had a wooden iron in the “playing house/kitchen” area in preschool. I know this because I saw a shelf with a row of fingerpaint in yellow and green containers (the Crayola finger paint containers are the same as they were circa 1980) and in the same moment I saw a wooden iron  at Em’s preschool, and I could remember it. As clearly as if it was happening right now. I knew exactly what it would feel like to touch that iron. Continue reading

“So Perfect to Hold You”

From my office door

My favorite time of the day is climbing in to Em’s bed first thing in the morning.  She has a morning voice that is both squeaky and scratchy all at once.

I rub her back and kiss her on the cheek.  These days I smile at those long legs sticking out from that tiny pink blanket she insists on sleeping beneath.

“Goood morning, kiddo.  You have to get up in about five minutes, ok?’ Continue reading

My baby’s take on the baby…

“What’s that?”

“It’s like a vitamin, kind of,” I said , stirring the glass of Metamucil.

“What kind?  What is it for?”

“Well, when you’re pregnant your stomach and all of your insides don’t have a lot of room so you have trouble going to the bathroom and stuff.  This is fiber, and that helps.”

“So you don’t only have really small poops?”

“What?”  I asked her, realizing this entire conversation was going to be repeated at school in all likelihood.

“I mean, you just have small poops, right?  The baby poops and it comes out your butt.”

“Not exactly.  We have to leave in five minutes.  Get your backpack.”

It’s easy to feel like I am the only person in the house that feels so pregnant all of the time.  But I have to wonder how much time she devotes to thinking about it… because when it comes up she seems to have a pretty well thought out vision of how it all works.  Right or wrong.  And really there is no telling her she’s wrong these days.

 

 

 

My Oldest

My first child was a sloppy mess from the start.  He peed in the house.

The Baby & his Grover

He whined when left alone.  And he had very sharp teeth.

The Choppers

He ate the corner of my couch.  He stood in his food bowl when he ate his dinner.

My Sloppy Dining Companion

I loved him from the very first night we brought him home. And I was proud of him as he grew in to a big strong boy.

The Handsome Teenager

When I was pregnant with Emily I imagined the two of them fast friends.    Fisher and I would lie in bed at night and I would tell him everything I was afraid of.

Snoozing with My Confidant

When Emily was about two months old I was sitting on the couch with the two of them, tears rolling down my face.  Her dad asked me in that way that a man talks to a post-partum woman if I was okay. “Yeah, I was just thinking that she will grow up with him and then one day she will have to understand what it is like to lose a dog, and it breaks my heart.  I mean she is going to love him so much and he is going to die…”   Through the hormones I could see that perhaps I was getting ahead of myself.

Tiny Pals

There were a million hard things about Em’s dad and I separating.  But the hardest may very well have been pulling out of the driveway, Fisher’s head poking through the pickets on the deck.  I missed that dog every minute of every day.  But as I said to anyone that would listen, you can take  a man’s kid and half of his stuff, but only an asshole would take his dog, too.

My Kids at Play

Fate and a cross-country move brought Fish back to me last year.  He still smells like corn chips.  He still likes to sleep in the middle of the bed.  I still get choked up when I think about the relationship that a kid has with their dog.

First Trip on the School Bus

And now Fisher is eight years old.  I hope that he is around to walk to the bus stop when the time comes to send this new baby off to school.  He’ll be a little grayer, maybe a little slower.  I was thinking about whether or not he will have the same patience for this baby that he had for Emily, if he will be as tolerant with the “pony” rides and the dress up games.  For now I find peace in the fact that he is already forging his relationship with the new baby.  Recently I remarked to MQD that it seems I pick dog hair out of my belly button almost daily lately.  That’s what that means, right?  Fish is bonding with the new baby?

Tear the roof off the mother!!

As we were leaving to go the bus stop this morning I realized we were running well ahead of schedule so we opted to hop in the car and run a quick errand.  As we were driving I asked Em “Do you wanna listen to the band that dad and I are going to go see tonight?”

Parliament’s “Give Up the Funk” started filling the car with it’s funkitude and there were smiles all around.  I swear even Fisher was feeling it.

I pulled up to the bus stop and parked the car, turned around to see my little lady with a face full of tears.  I turned down the funk and asked her what was wrong.  “It’s just not fair!! Why can’t a kid see a good band EVER!?  I didn’t know you were going to see THIS band!!!”

I tried not to smile.  I really did.  But man, oh man, I was swelling with pride.  “Baby the first time I saw George Clinton and and the Parliament-Funkadelic I was twenty years old.  I promise you that I will take you to see them before you are twenty, okay?”

She seemed to think that was sufficient.  “Okay… fine.  Can you just turn it back up, please?”

Em has been bringing the funk since she was very small.   I hope I can make her proud tonight.

 

Day 87: Morse Code

Tonight, send a message in Morse code from your window.  See if anyone responds.

This was a fairly simple task. I wake up anywhere from four to nine billion times in a night so a couple of days ago I looked up a Morse Code translator  and saved a quick message to my phone.  Saturday night was a tough night for me what with the freaky dream and impending hormonal meltdown so when I woke up Saturday night it didn’t seem like the right time to bang out a This Book Will Change Your Life challenge.  And for some reason I had made up my mind that this would be a late night missive.  I think everything that happens in the middle of the night is open to greater interpretation.  No one plays Bloody Mary or Light as  Feather Stiff as a Board (with any success anyway) in the middle of the day.   Where is the fun in that?

Sunday night I woke up several times.  My neighbors across the parking lot  had decided that Sunday, the night before the first full day of school, would be a most excellent night to sit on the porch and drink cognac and listen to their car stereos.  And since I hadn’t saved the Morse Code message “For fuck’s sake, can you turn down the bass!” or “Remy Martin from a brandy snifter beats the shit out of Hennessy from an orange juice glass!!” I didn’t really have an appropriate message planned out.  On the off chance they even heard my message, tapped out on my bedroom window.  But really…. if you were ever inclined to think someone was sending you a Morse code message –  half lit on cheap cognac and three blunts deep is the time.

(And lest you think I am being presumptuous with regards to their choice of beverage, our walk to the bus stop takes us right past my neighbor’s recycling bin.  They make keep late hours and have little regard for potential noise violations, but they seem to take their recycling quite seriously.)

So, Monday night.  It was on.  I hopped in bed with MQD at a reasonable hour. Fish snuggled between us both, his head in MQD’s armpit.  I read for a short while, the snoring from their side of the bed a kind of lullaby, I quickly decided to hit the hay.  It usually takes me in the neighborhood of 45 minutes to fall asleep but last night I was out by about 9:30.

Pregnancy Wake Up Round One was not until almost 1 am.  Almost a full four hour sleep cycle, who is the luckiest girl!!??

Standard routine:  Wake up, assess need to pee.  Need to pee is urgent.  Wiggle feet around until I am free from the shackles of dogs and cats sleeping on the blankets between my legs and stumble in to the bathroom.   Pee.  Flush. (This is a change to the routine.  (We were formerly an “If it’s yellow let it mellow household”  but the cat pee frenzy of 2011 has put a temporary ban on that plan.)  Throw the animals out of the bed.  Reclaim some bedding and my Snoopy if MQD was sneaky enough to snag it.  Assess level of sleepiness.    Check email or read RSS feeds.  Listen to a chapter of current audio book if that doesn’t do the trick.

Last night’s routine:  Wake up, assess need to pee.  Need to pee is urgent.  Note that Fisher is still in the middle of the bed.  Quick trip to the bathroom, throw the animals out of the bed.  Wide awake.  Remember I am not listening to any kind of a book right now and wonder what I am going to do to kill time for the next half an hour.    Remember the Morse Code message.

(600+ words later and I got to the point of my story!  Record time, Kelly.)

..  .-.. — …- .  -.– — ..- I tap out on the window.  Morse Code for “I love you.”  A good positive message to send out to the Universe.

I waited, let my mind wander.  Mentally wrote an outline for this scintillating post in my head.  And just before I fell back to sleep.  BOOM!  That incredibly loud one note blast of a sound that I generally associate with a big power generator blowing or a single clap of thunder.  As I wondered to myself if that was Universe Morse Code shorthand for “Go Fuck Yourself” I got distracted.

……………  Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap, parental Morse Code for tiny kid woken from sound sleep by loud ass noise hauling ass down the stairs to your bedroom.  “Mom?”

I pulled my covers back.  She climbed in.  The Universe did not respond to my message exactly as I had hoped.  But I got a late night snuggle with a little lady that is growing up way too fast for my liking.  So, I am calling Day 87 a success.

Emily June, six weeks old. You know the sappy hormonal woman is going through old pictures lately, right? That was predictable.