Category Archives: Nonsense

Polishing a turd

Posted on July 12, 2012 | 12 comments

I have a weakness for talking animal movies. Babe. Dr Dolittle. Beverly Hills Chihuahua (that might be the most embarrassing thing I have admitted here.) I suppose I watched either too much or not enough Mr. Ed as a kid.

Emily has inherited this love of mine. Together we were watching Racing Stripes, a plucky little film about a zebra named Stripes that thinks he is a race horse and the young girl that believes in him!

I was doing situps while watching this fine film and entertaining Lucy as she lolled about on the floor.

“You’ve been training Stripes haven’t you?” said the TV.

I started to laugh. Why yes, yes, I have, how kind of you to notice. I have been training Stripes. If by training Stripes you mean trying to embrace my wicked stretch marks and do something about the dangly skin they occupy. Progress has been slow. I know, I know, it took nine months to stretch the skin it will take at least that long for it to tighten up. But the greater truth? I have never exactly had anything resembling abdominal muscles. I’m not aiming for a six pack. I don’t expect to be able to sit down and not have pudge. I am 36. I have two kids. And I love beer, wine and peanut M&Ms. But it would be nice if my stomach didn’t hang over my jeans while I was standing up. That is a realistic goal, no?

And this friends, is how you polish a turd. Urban Dictionary defines turd polishing as “The act of trying to make something hopelessly weak and unattractive appear strong and appealing. An impossible process that usually results in a larger, uglier turd.”

I beg to differ. I think you can polish a turd.

Exhibit A: The Turd

Note the stretch marks, the muffin top and the beloved elastic waist maternity jeans. I know I should retire them. But they are so damn tasty, those jeans. And they love me so. It is my hope that in writing this I will shame myself in to letting them join their friends in the giant box of maternity clothes in my attic.

Exhibit B: The Bright & Shiny Turd

Lucy shall henceforth be named The Turd Polisher. It’s really all about your point of view. As she approaches six month’s old in July I am reminded that I will have ninety days to make good on the old “It took nine months to gain it, it will take nine months to lose it” rule.

I took the first picture yesterday. I was going to write about my progress towards accepting my post-second baby body. Yesterday, in my maternity jeans and feeling hard on myself I didn’t feel like I had made much progress at all.

This morning as I dressed to go for a jog Emily said “You know you could just wear that bra, it is like a running bra, so it is okay to not wear a shirt.” And I looked in the mirror with Lucy on my hip and I thought maybe she was on to something.

I think I am gonna ditch those jeans. And I am getting dangerously close to being the lady at the pool with all the tattoos that pees in the shower and wears a bikini even when she probably shouldn’t. If you can’t tone it, tan it.

12 Comments

Posted in Exercise, Nonsense, Parenting, Pregnancy

Tagged fitness, maternity, mommy blog, motherhood, stretch marks, weight loss

Road trip: Part 4 – The Heat

Posted on July 11, 2012 | 2 comments

On day six of our seven day trip to the beach we made what seemed like a very good decision. It was hot. Hot hot. And it was getting hotter. We had been to the beach, the pool, the outlet malls, the board walk. We had eaten crabs and drank some wine. We’d had a good time. And the prospect of dragging our not yet sunburned selves out to the water for one last day in more than hundred degree heat seemed unnecessary. My grandmother always told my mom, and she in turn always told me, that you should always leave a party while you are still having a good time. So, it seemed wise. I had an appointment to get my hair cut at 9 am.

I went short. And I am glad I did. When we got back to DC it was even hotter than it was at the beach. So, we went to the mall. Naturally. We basked in the glory of their air conditioning. Emily decided to get her hair cut. We took pictures of her new do and we relaxed at my parent’s house. We went to bed early. And I am glad we did.

Some time around 11 it started to rain. I went to grab Emily from where she was sleeping. She is not a big fan of thunder storms and it seemed like we were in for a doozy. I had no idea. My compulsion for checking the weather came in handy. A quick peek at the radar indicated that it was no small thunderstorm. The lights flickered. The ceiling fans turned off. I settled in for some sleep with my girls.

In the morning the power was still out. Em and I went for a ride. We were hunting down a cup of coffee. Seemed easy enough. Wrong. On my third trip through the intersection aptly titled Seven Corners with no traffic lights I told Em that we were going home. With or without coffee. With our lives and what remained of my sanity in tact.

We spent the day preparing for the power to remain out. My mom fashioned curtains for the windows in the kitchen out of pillow cases to help keep it cool. David found the last generator for sale in Northern Virginia. I kept both my children alive while slowly regressing to about fourteen years old. We went out to dinner. We “made the best of it.” A euphemism for “did not kill one another.”

We camped out in the downstairs bedroom. Em, Lucy and I slept in my parents’ bed. They napped on the air mattress. We all woke up warm and cranky. Emily survived watching movies on the iPad. I read. I bickered with my mother like the teenage drama queen I had become over the last twenty four hours. My mother declared that she was retracting our application for Family Survivor.

Every family has a go to coping mechanism. When I was little and the power went out we would gather around the fireplace and read fairy tales. When Things go to shit in your house maybe you go to church. Maybe you go to a local bar. Maybe you go out for ice cream. May God, Buddha, Mother Earth and the whole rest of the gang smile down on my step-dad for all of his days. When everything goes to hell in his world he goes to the Ritz Carlton.

Something about showering with tiny bottles of liquid soap and wrapping yourself in big white towels and drinking a very, very large glass of white wine does a body good.

We survived the power outage in DC. My almost seven year old daughter knows absolutely every single swear word in existence. Those she did not learn from me she learned from my mother. Passed on from one generation to another. That’s how you do it, right? And from my step-father I have learned an invaluable lesson. Tough it out. Long enough to say that you did and then get your ass to the nicest hotel in town and order a drink. Make mine a double.

2 Comments

Posted in Family, Nonsense

Tagged power outage, ritz carlton, road trip, vacation

Welcome to our Ool

Posted on July 10, 2012 | 7 comments

You may note that there is no P in it.

But do not join me in the Pshower at our Ool. Not if you are not a fan of pee.

I love my feet. They get me from place to place and they are just perfect. They are enormous. And they smell very, very bad. But that is the fault of my Chuck Taylors and my Vibrams and my hatred of socks. It is not their fault at all. I take care of them. They are the only feet I have.

I have never really been what you would call an Athlete. And yet I have had Athelete’s Foot a billion times. Just lucky, I guess. You might know where this is going.

I pee in the shower. Not at home. Because my shower is clean and fungus free. MQD pees in the shower. So I know his feet are clean. But in public showers, I pee. Judge me. I don’t mind. Smell my feet while you’re at it.

I have not exactly told Emily that I pee in the shower. And until today it did not pose a problem. It has been one of the many lies by omission of which I am guilty.

Emily takes a shower at the pool. The water pressure kind of stinks. It takes forever for her to get the shampoo out of her hair so today I joined her. In the shower at the pool it might as well have a sign “C’mon in and shower, get some Athlete’s Foot.” Not specifically at our pool, just pools in general. Showers, in the steamy outdoors, cleaned by underpaid teenagers.

So, I have set the scene well enough. At the pool. In the shower. In the morning.

“Mom, it is so weird, this shower smells like coffee.”

“Yeah, that is weird, Em. Real, real weird.”

7 Comments

Posted in Nonsense, Parenting

Tagged Family, Humor, Life, Pool

Am I on Candid Camera?

Posted on June 7, 2012 | 5 comments

I did not actually make the international symbol for “Call me!” as I drove away. But that is the only lame thing I didn’t manage to do.

I am trying my damnedest to stick my neck out. Or my hand. And make friends. Mommy friends. People from Em’s class or women I see at the park. I adore the friends I have. And I don’t make the time to see them as it is, so why should I not try to add more people to the rolodex of folks I seem to ignore in favor of going to bed at quarter of eight by the light of Bravo?

Nonetheless I had said I was going to try.

And this morning while jogging an opportunity presented itself. This is not how I usually dress when I try to pick up chicks. I saw her car pull up at the park. She had two girls around Emily’s age, one with her bicycle. She was wearing exercise capri’s and sneakers and had the 2012 Mom Summer Haircut. I watched her from the other side of the walking track. On I ran, pondering changing my route so I could pass by her a few times, scope her out, but that seemed absurd. And as I finished my third mile around the park I noted that she and her girls were by the swings, which is totally near the water fountain…

So I said… “Yeah, not to say “Do you come here often?” but umm… I do… and that is how I know you don’t actually come here often… so I just thought I’d say hello.” Then I rambled on a bit about how I’d planned on running Monday through Friday in the morning, between eight and nine and maybe her girls could entertain my older daughter and we could jog or plan on meeting up “and it could be like a thing.” That is what I said. A thing. Like I asked her on a date but was scared to call it that. Or give her my number.

I can remember a hundred years ago going back to the same bar over and over again because a guy I’d liked might show up there again. All I ever got was drunk. Maybe I’ll just keep going back to the park. Only this time I might get healthier instead of broke and loaded.

So… I floundered at the end. But I was feeling kind of awesome this morning anyway. When I got out of the shower I looked at myself in the mirror. And with the handheld liposuction, you know where you hold your stomach up, thereby eliminating the hanging post partum marsupial skin (note that I have spared you a picture of this) I didn’t look half bad. I felt good.

I pulled on a favorite pair of Old Navy cargo pants, elastic waist band, drawstring really, but they were pre-baby pants. I felt kind of normal. And good. Tomorrow is the first day of my summer as a mostly stay at home mom of two and it was gonna be cool. I grabbed my pita pocket sandwich, my diaper bag and my kid, slipped on my totally adorable purple flats and headed out the door. Lucy dropped her toy. I bent down to grab it and did not drop my sandwich or spill my coffee.

But I split my fucking pants. Eh. Can’t win them all. If this gal ever shows up at the park and we chat and she likes me I’m totally gonna tell her this. “So I was feeling all rad for trying to make a friend. And then I split the ass in my favorite fucking pants. You’d better be worth it.”

5 Comments

Posted in Exercise, Family, Nonsense

Tagged friends, healthy-living, Humor, international symbol, jogging, Life, Mommy friends

Peas, please!!

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 3 comments

I can stretch a dollar. It is something I am proud of. When I made the decision to stay home with the girls I wasn’t scared that we would struggle financially.

One of the toughest places to trim the budget is food. I love food. Good food. So last week when our CSA offered English peas still in the pod at a fraction of the usual cost (a fraction, I tell you!!) I jumped on them.

45 minutes later I have a bowl of peas.

I am not a stickler for eat every single thing on your plate. I tend to believe that if you let a kid choose what they eat without emphasis on good foods vs bad they will eat a balanced diet. But tonight. Tonight Em better eat every damn pea on her plate.

And MQD? He eats his veggies first. He’s not a huge fan. Tonight I’m gonna let him get away with a tiny scoop. I worked too hard for these peas to have them swallowed whole.

I can’t get away with a post about MQD’s disdain for vegetables during Mike Month. And I know I’ve already mentioned that he makes me laugh. But it’s bigger than that. It’s the juxtaposition between his Grown Up Self and the silly child he is inside.

Mike on our honeymoon. He ate his vegetables first. And then he decided it was nap time. A big meal can tire a guy out.

3 Comments

Posted in Family, Nonsense

Tagged food, MQD, peas, vegetables

Love is All You Need

Posted on May 16, 2012 | 5 comments

This morning Lucy and I were solving the world’s problems from our post in the bedroom. We had returned to bed for some cuddles after Em left for school. “It’s been a few days since you posted. Mike Month is lagging…” MQD observed as he readied himself to leave for work.

I thought for a moment before I replied. We’d had a sweet morning and I didn’t want my tendency towards smartassery to spoil the moment. “There is nothing more boring than a happily married woman.”

I’m at a loss. I’d planned to wax poetically about our wedding all month, but I fear I will nauseate my devoted readers. It seems the vulgar and the emotional scab picking are most appreciated (and I will refrain from pointing out what that says about you, you dirtballs.) I’m not interested in sharing the down and dirty of my marital life and my marriage is too new to have scabs.

So here I sit. Compelled to finish out my month of wedding anniversary celebration and yet there are only so many ways to say “Look! Hot damn, I am a happy girl!!!” before it begins to fall flat.

“There is nothing more boring than a happily married woman,” I said. “Even my father has noted that ye olde blog has been lackluster.” I continued on, making excuses about how difficult it has been to write about my marriage this month, my self proclaimed “month long declaration of love.”

Without missing a beat MQD smirked and said “Your life is one long declaration of love.” He looked down at Lucy wiggling away on the bed and said “It’s true. Your mommy spends all day telling everyone how much she loves them.”

He’s right. I yelled “I love you!” out the front door enough times this morning at Emily while she waited for the bus that once she actually yelled back “I KNOW!” I have told Lucy that I love her no fewer than a hundred times today. It’s what I do.

I just don’t think you can tell a person that you love them too many times. I also don’t think it is ever an inappropriate time for a quick game of ass-grab but that is another story entirely. Rest assured that Mike Month may be lagging but it’s not for a lack of love.

5 Comments

Posted in Nonsense, Parenting

Tagged Love, motherhood, MQD, relationships, wedding pictures

#giggles

Posted on May 10, 2012 | 5 comments

MQD loves it when I am ridiculous. He pretends it is absurd, that my outlandish behavior is completely out of hand. But I never, ever see him laugh harder than when it is at me.

Last night we were watching television, New Girl. Clever little show, we like it. Recently on Fox television shows they display a word with a hashtag at the bottom left hand corner of the screen. I suppose if you were inclined to tweet about the show, in particular that scene you were watching you could do so and then follow along with other viewers. Right? That is how Twitter works, I guess.

I don’t Tweet. As evidenced by the fact that I said during the scene on New Girl about a coyote “huh. #meepmeep, said New Girl.”

Only I actually said “Pound MeepMeep.”

“You mean hash tag,” he asked me.

Dumbfounded I stared at him. “But it’s a pound sign, right? Right?”

I still don’t see what is so hilarious. It is a pound sign.

Whatever. He didn’t think it was all that funny the other day when we saw an “Intelligent Vehicle” (as he now refers to them) on the highway. “Is that a Smart Car?” he asked.

A what???? He wouldn’t repeat it. I’ve mentioned he’s from Boston, right?

5 Comments

Posted in Family, Nonsense

Tagged hashtag, MQD, twitter

Diamonds on the inside…

Posted on May 8, 2012 | 1 comment

Some times when MQD and I climb in to bed and I can feel a distance between us I ask him a simple question. “Tell me three things you love about me,” I will say, my voice cracks and I speak in to his chest because it embarrasses me to need to hear it out loud.

My asking the question sends the message “I need to feel closer to you right now, I am feeling far away, insecure, I am beating myself up over nothing.”

His answers always bring me back to what is real. Sometimes the answers are humorous, sometimes they are sentimental, sometimes they are predictable but occasionally they take me by surprise.

“I love how sensitive you are.” I won’t ever forget the night that was his first answer. I had always assumed that my hypersensitivity, my mid-day phone calls in tears because I “am so in love with you” or because I “am so lucky,” I thought these were things MQD tolerated, not something he loved about me.

What you see isn’t always what you get. I don’t apologize anymore when what’s on the inside shows. Neither should you.

1 Comment

Posted in Family, Nonsense, Wedding Planning

Tagged Insecurity, Love, MQD, wedding dress, wedding pictures

Dame’s Almost Famous Chicken & Waffles

Posted on May 6, 2012 | 1 comment

What follows is my review of Durham, North Carolina’s Dame’s Almost Famous Chicken & Waffle’s. I should preface this with mention of the fact that I have never before had Chicken & Waffles. I’ve not ever even had Soul Food, I don’t think. Unless you count the Kill Devil Grill’s Bubble & Squeak, poached eggs served over fried chicken and topped with sausage gravy. It’s not classically southern food I don’t think but it is fried chicken at breakfast time and the only time I have ever consumed in excess of 3500 calories in a single meal so it seems to deserve mention.

We walked towards the door past the dozen or so people waiting outside. We overheard the hostess say “there will be a 45 minute wait” to a table of two and we just smiled smugly, like you do when you’re waiting to say “party of 4, we have a reservation.”

The smug look left our faces quickly when the hostess replied stalwartly “we don’t take reservations on Sundays. I’ll be right back” and turned and left us standing at the door.

Every single review I read of Durham’s famed Dame’s Chicken & Waffles mentioned their wait. Without exception they claimed it was worth it. It was the middle of the afternoon. We had a happy baby and a reasonably docile six year old in tow so I suggested we try to appeal to her sense of kindness rather than give her any attitude. Maybe they could seat us in 25 minutes instead of 45? A restaurant known for being busy will not likely care if we were to cop an attitude. My mental scenarios were all unnecessary. She returned to let us know that our reservation was taken by a new employee. She saw where our name had been written down and she would be glad to give us the next available table. So far, so good.

Emily and I stepped outside for a few minutes. The people waiting for a table were clearly divided into two camps – those trying to figure out what they would be having and those that had been to Dame’s before.

Everyone that was there for the first time had the same excited expression I can remember seeing on a freshman girl at her first fraternity party spring semester. All at once excited and pain-stakingly casual. Unsure of how things we going to unfold. Not entirely certain why they had waited so long to come.

We were greeted warmly immediately after being seated and provided crayons with which to draw on the butcher paper. We clearly fell in to the “Never been here before” camp as our waiter gave us the full low down on the menu. I love a place that tells you instead of their specials which items they do not have today. It suggests everything is special, some items so special that they’ve run out. Instead of feeling like you are being gypped you mentally start planning your next visit before you have even ordered.

One of us is growing our our bangs. It is painful.

We debated. MQD used a random number generator on his phone to decide. And then changed his mind again. Ultimately opting for the “I’ll decide when the waiter asks me” approach. I opted for sweet potato waffles with fried chicken cutlets and a shmear of maple-pecan butter. MQD went with chicken legs, a classic waffle with caramel and cashews with a chocolate hazelnut shmear. Em got a classic waffle with a blueberry shmear. On the side we had grits and macaroni and cheese to share.

“This is too good to be true.” Emily summed it up best. Each item was outstanding all by itself. Every one of us took a bite and instantly said “Try this!” to everyone else at the table.

Our waiter asked how things were and we told him we’d be back, at least a dozen more times so we could work our way around the menu.

As we started slowing down I declared “There will be no dinner served at our house tonight.”

Delicious. All the fuss about chicken and waffles have you baffled? Go to Dame’s. Order anything at all. It will all make sense to you. And order the macaroni and cheese. Just so you can tell me what the added herbs in it are… rosemary and thyme, I think. But there’s something else, too. It must be Soul.