Unsolicited Parenting Advice #1

I’m not a quiet girl.  If you’ve met me in person I will give you a minute to wipe that “no shit” look off of your face.

I have a new parenting technique and it doesn’t feel right to keep it to myself.

One of the hardest things about being home with the kids full-time is the noise.  It is constant.  It is relentless.  There is a never-ending hum of sound. I think that is how parents end up being yellers.  We just have to compete to get heard.

I really don’t want to be a yeller. But I have a two year old.

Solution:  Quiet Riot. Specifically “Cum on Feel the Noize.

Scenario:  I am cutting chicken.  Shit always hits the fan when I have raw chicken on my hands. I have said “Lucy please stop banging that lid on the oven door” several times at a reasonable volume level.   She has interpreted this to me “Start yelling along with the slamming.”

Here is where I employ my new technique.  Instead of screaming “For the love of all that is holy, STOP with the banging for one blessed second!  I can not pick you up so do not start crying like I have ruined your life, I have chicken on my hands, RAW CHICKEN.  Jeeezus, stop crying.  I didn’t do anything, I just asked you to stop with the banging, Go.  Bang.  Bang all the lids.  Do whatever you want.  Nobody listens to me!!!” n0t that I have ever had this sort of situation go down. I, personally, never, ever lose my cool.

Instead, at the moment that I feel the crazy start to make its way up my throat and tickle my yelling muscles I open my mouth and I shriek “CUM ON FEEL THE NOIZE!” and I smile.  You have to smile while you do it or it is just like screaming at your kid. Remember, you are singing. You are FunTime Mom.  You are the mom that loves it when your kid bangs lids on the oven door.

“Girls, Rock the boys!  We’ll get wild, wild wild!! Wild, wild wild!!”  Take a minute. Catch your breath. If you’re doing it right your kid has stopped dead in their tracks.  They are staring at you like they have no idea what is going to happen next.

So, you think I’ve got an evil mind… that is the next line.  That isn’t a question.

That’s it.  This is my new Toddler Parenting Technique.  Go ahead and yell.  But yell a song, shake your hips and smile, smile, smile and you can pretend you are dancing, singing Fun Mom.  It works. It is the latest and greatest in my Fake It Til You Make It life plan.

Try it.  I suggest 80s hair metal, but I suppose any tune will do. Twister Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” is a hit in our house. Adam Ant’s “Goody Two Shoes” will work. But you have to start right in with “Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?” and you have to really put your hips into it.

Come back and tell me your favorite song to scream, I mean, sing at your kids.

This kid is nuts.

This kid is nuts.

24 responses to “Unsolicited Parenting Advice #1

  1. Lol! This made me really laugh out loud. Why is it ALWAYS when your hands are in raw meat? Every single time my soon-to-be two year old needs me or has some sort of earth shattering meltdown, my hands are covered in raw meat. Gross. My fake-it-to-make-it plan while cooking dinner has been downing a glass of wine first to keep my nerves in check. I can see why this isn’t solid advice. :-)

    • Ha! The glass of wine while making dinner has given me a terrible sneak attack drunk before. Be careful. If you mix it with no lunch and an “I’m running late” call from the husband suddenly it is 7pm and you are having a third glass of wine on an empty stomach and wheeee. ;)

  2. Gold! Unsolicated parenting advice gold! Being more of a pop girl anything that allows a bit of booty shaking works in this house. My 2 year old stops yelling and starts shaking her booty and hey I figure that I’m burning of a few calories with some uncontrollable booty shaking of my own! :) Winning on all accounts!

  3. Pingback: Great Parenting Advice | LIGHTHOUSE 2911

  4. I will take unsolicited parenting advice from you any day. Any day.
    And I think our shut-the-f-up song right now would be The Final Countdown. I’m just really feeling Europe lately and damn if I don’t count down the minutes to bed time every night. (Disclaimer: I really do love my son.)

  5. I will take unsolicited parenting advice from you any day. Any day.
    And I think our shut-the-f-up song right now would be The Final Countdown. I’m just really feeling Europe lately and damn if I don’t count down the minutes to bed time every night. (Disclaimer: I really do love my son.)

  6. Omg. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! THIS is my life… Raw chicken and all. I’ll let you know what my song is when I find it!

  7. My kids have heard the Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” more times than they can count. The first time TB heard it on the radio he got this crazy look on his face and exclaimed “I didn’t know this was a REAL SONG!!”. We wing most of the musical numbers in our house.

  8. Kelly, I taught all of my nephews Cum on Feel the Noize and We’re Not Gonna Take It (my personal fave) when they were 2. It was especially handy when they were in the car with me and showing their asses… except when my oldest nephew Kyle (who’s 19 now) starting screaming at his parents “NO!!! We ain’t gonna take it!” when they told him to do something. Then, I’m not too sure it was a good idea on my part, but I swore, and still do to this day, that I was not the one who taught them those songs! ROCK ON WITH YO BAD SELF!

  9. You’re f-in brilliant, woman! I’m holding onto this, and I’m guessing my go-to is gonna be “Rebel Yell.”

  10. truthfully….Broadway show tunes were a hit …you can really belt them with feeling.

  11. Ha…wonder where she gets that from? at her age you were sitting quietly in the library reading the NYTimes. And I was at the right hand of God next to Gabriel planning an angelic event.

  12. Always when I’m cutting chicken!

  13. “We’re not gonna take it” is a hit here as well.

    I like to squeeze my eyes shut while yelling, um, singing, “we’re not gonna take it anymorrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!”

    But we do. We take it. Our song is a lie.

  14. We sing A LOT of Ramones. Especially “Beat on the Brat.”

  15. Brilliant! I’m going to employ this when the baby won’t stop crying.

  16. I’m just thinking out loud here, but I’d probably try some In The Still Of The Night by Whitesnake. I think that one would exert a lot of scream-singing energy and make me happy. :)

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