I’m not a quiet girl. If you’ve met me in person I will give you a minute to wipe that “no shit” look off of your face.
I have a new parenting technique and it doesn’t feel right to keep it to myself.
One of the hardest things about being home with the kids full-time is the noise. It is constant. It is relentless. There is a never-ending hum of sound. I think that is how parents end up being yellers. We just have to compete to get heard.
I really don’t want to be a yeller. But I have a two year old.
Solution: Quiet Riot. Specifically “Cum on Feel the Noize.”
Scenario: I am cutting chicken. Shit always hits the fan when I have raw chicken on my hands. I have said “Lucy please stop banging that lid on the oven door” several times at a reasonable volume level. She has interpreted this to me “Start yelling along with the slamming.”
Here is where I employ my new technique. Instead of screaming “For the love of all that is holy, STOP with the banging for one blessed second! I can not pick you up so do not start crying like I have ruined your life, I have chicken on my hands, RAW CHICKEN. Jeeezus, stop crying. I didn’t do anything, I just asked you to stop with the banging, Go. Bang. Bang all the lids. Do whatever you want. Nobody listens to me!!!” n0t that I have ever had this sort of situation go down. I, personally, never, ever lose my cool.
Instead, at the moment that I feel the crazy start to make its way up my throat and tickle my yelling muscles I open my mouth and I shriek “CUM ON FEEL THE NOIZE!” and I smile. You have to smile while you do it or it is just like screaming at your kid. Remember, you are singing. You are FunTime Mom. You are the mom that loves it when your kid bangs lids on the oven door.
“Girls, Rock the boys! We’ll get wild, wild wild!! Wild, wild wild!!” Take a minute. Catch your breath. If you’re doing it right your kid has stopped dead in their tracks. They are staring at you like they have no idea what is going to happen next.
So, you think I’ve got an evil mind… that is the next line. That isn’t a question.
That’s it. This is my new Toddler Parenting Technique. Go ahead and yell. But yell a song, shake your hips and smile, smile, smile and you can pretend you are dancing, singing Fun Mom. It works. It is the latest and greatest in my Fake It Til You Make It life plan.
Try it. I suggest 80s hair metal, but I suppose any tune will do. Twister Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” is a hit in our house. Adam Ant’s “Goody Two Shoes” will work. But you have to start right in with “Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?” and you have to really put your hips into it.
Come back and tell me your favorite song to scream, I mean, sing at your kids.