It just might be a lunatic you’re looking for…

No matter how sure I am, no matter that I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the “right thing” there is something about having a “wedding” that is making me antsy.  It’s funny, I never felt like this when I got married before.  Although if you’d asked me to be honest, even then, if I thought we’d make it until the end of time I would have had to ask you what “make it” looks like to you.

I am so absolutely ready to marry MQD. We have grown so much together in the last two years.  Not only closer, but individually.  And I can see us continuing to challenge each other for years to come.  It is the making a decision that touches not just my life, maybe, that is making it scarier.  You don’t typically choose a parent for your child.  And I have been so lucky.  To find a boy that makes me crazy and a man that makes me sane all wrapped up in one human being.

So what is it that has me staring at the ceiling at night instead of sleeping?  Equal parts “Do I remember where I put my strapless bra?” and “Will anyone notice that my shoes are not exactly the same color as my crinoline?” and “How long do we try to get pregnant before I freak the fuck out?” I suppose.  But if I dig deep and am honest there isn’t any part of me that wonders if MQD is the “right person” for me.  But I do find it unsettling that there is no litmus test.

I never imagined I’d get married again.  And I never imagined I’d spend my days adding up numbers and arranging invoices and expenses and facts.  But what appeals to me about my job is exactly what is making me antsy about getting married.  I don’t love construction.  Or math.  But I love it when all the numbers add up.  They are right.  There is no need to argue them.  They are correct.  Period.  I love being right.

In about two weeks I will gather my friends and family and say “Hey guys! Check out this Life Plan.  I pick him.  He is “right.”  And I am “right” for him.”  But I can’t export a marriage in to Excel and double-check it.    There will be no tape from the adding machine stapled to our marriage license with my initials on it.

I have been thinking on this for a few days.  Wondering when I stopped being fearless.  Is it being a parent?  being older?  having been hurt in the past?     Have I just developed a tendency to over think things in the last decade?

And then I ran across this.  And I stopped worrying about right or wrong.

Loving the wrong person

Let our scars fall in love.
–Galway Kinnell

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems–the ones that make you truly who you are–that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person–someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

~ Andrew Boyd

Can’t get much more wrong than this, can you?  Love you, MQD.  Thanks for putting up with me the last few weeks.

11 responses to “It just might be a lunatic you’re looking for…

  1. Pingback: Lucky Number Seven | Excitement on the side

  2. Inspirational! I agree whole-heartedly! Congratulations on your up and coming day!

    And to Shellie who referenced “normal”, I am still waiting to find what that means! I am not sure I know any “normal folks”!

  3. And a note to Mike….just go ahead and keep putting up with everything that’s going on before the wedding, after it gets here things will calm down. And hopefully you won’t have to wait as long as my poor husband to be thankful he stuck with me. He knew I was crazy, there was no hiding it. But the crazy lightened up over the years. :-)

  4. We do live in a parallel universe. As I approached my 2nd marriage, not only was I looking for someone for me, but he had to be a good father to Cameron. Fear doesn’t begin to describe to confusion I went through as my wedding day approached. I tried my hardest to destroy the relationship – I was completely out of my mind with wedding plans and relationship anxiety and a house renovation – that was just stupid….we decided to renovate his house and get married there, you know so we didn’t have to pay for a wedding location. LOL Getting ready to make it to our 7 year anniversary after more ups and downs than I hope you will have to endure, but we are doing it. Happily doing it and I can say that truthfully for the first time in a long time. And I got these two beautiful daughters out of the deal and my cute little boy Cameron is now a fine young man. :-)

    Wishing you two nothing but the very best. *clink, clink*

  5. These are great words. Once you know it, it makes you feel better, right?
    Did I understand well that you ARE getting married? I’m sorry if you spoke about it somewhere earlier, I didn’t see anything.

  6. Thanks for sharing…this is how so many of us feel, especially those of us that aren’t exactly “normal”. We want someone to allow us grow, challenge us and love us for who we are…and that is a crazy big thing. Love and congrats to you!!

  7. Where did you find that quote? It is amazingly right on. As someone who got married when I was still very much a kid who had no idea how wrong I was, I continue to be shocked (and thrilled and relieved) that we managed to grow together as a couple after almost falling apart and really settling into that wrongness. Was it a lot of hard work? Yup. But that was really only part of it. The rest was pure luck that we did want to be the wrong people for each other. Luck and hard work and the ability to put up with each other’s crap while loving all the good stuff. That’s what I think marriage is. I’m wishing all that stuff for you and MQD.

  8. omg. that’s exactly it! thank you for sharing, and forgive me as i tab straight over to fb to share that quote. xoxox and love, and congrats!

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