I maintain I have a pretty sunshiny view on life. This in spite of the fact that I am a pregnant woman, hence I am prone to making my complaints known (or as I like to see it making “gentle observations.”)
This morning’s observation: why in the FUCK does a bagel have to have a hole in the middle? Delicious whole wheat bagel with your 2.4 grams of fiber why must you complicate matters with your hole? I am a capable woman. A smart woman. And yet daily the spreading of my also oh so delicious grape jelly on a bagel is enough to make me want to kill a motherfucker. Why? Why the hole? You serve no purpose! (Incidentally I am a capable googler.)
If I can manage to spread the jelly without it falling through the hole there is a 50% chance I will get jelly on my shirt while I eat. I used to make Emily eat breakfast without her shirt on so she didn’t make a mess. I don’t think I can pull that off here in the office. “That? Who is that? Oh, just our totally capable, intelligent office manager/bookkeeper. She likes to eat bagels topless. Likes to keep her shirt clean, ya know?” Yeah, I don’t think that is gonna go over well.
I need to get some toast. And some easy to spread jam. And stop listening to Howie Mandel in the morning. The toast and the jam might keep the rage to a minimum and the Howie? Well, he just gets me thinking my bitching and moaning is funny.
What the fuck, bagel? Why you gotta do me like that?
Excitement on the side 
Eat your fuckin jelly bagel and shut it
oh I laugh and I laugh when I read “gentle obeservations” then the workd FUCK is in the next sentence comply in huge letters… oh by the way, FUCK is the world’s greatest word…. you have made my morning peeps!
T.
This reads just like you talk.
You mean it goes on and on and on…. about nothing. :) xo