Have you met my wife?

I don’t talk about MQD an awful lot here.  In part because we are happy and functional.  And that is neither funny nor interesting.  And when I do it is to occasionally mention that he might not find me hilarious in some moment or another.  Now this might give you the impression that he is not particularly funny.  When actually he slays me on the regular.  And roughly half of the time he does it on purpose.

The other night in a moment of classic MQD and Kelly interaction we were having a semi-silent faceoff regarding the television.  I watch horrendous, awful TV often.  Or rather when I watch television it is often horrendous.  So I do my damnedest to not attempt to defend my viewing habits EVER and to make an effort to occasionally flip off the tube and entertain the old chap.  After all he was married to me for all of about ten minutes before I got all pregnant and cry-y and wanting to eat ice cream and watch romantic comedies.   The least I can do is let him hold the remote. Or gasp, turn off the TV if that is his desire.

So, the other night about four minutes before the premiere of New Girl  (a super fantastic television show you should all be watching) MQD announces he will not be watching television for the next thirty days.  So I reply ever so sweetly “Well then you best get ready to get your Angry Birds on or go sit in the bedroom because my ass is watching New Girl in four minutes.”

He started flipping through the games on the ipad and in no time we were spending quality time together.  He was playing BubblePop and I was watching TV. But we were sitting very close to one another, hence the quality in quality time.

I am not really clear exactly how it all came around but eventually he said “Balls!”  Whether he was annoyed with the balls in the game or was substituting the term for a real swear word I don’t recall.  Occasionally he says “Balls!” as a substitute for “Oh, shit!” which is very weird to me, but I guess it make sense. People say “Oh, nuts!”   People that don’t swear, I guess.

Which, incidentally, I am not.  A person that does not swear.  And I am okay with this.  I understand it is lazy speech.  I understand all of those things.  I just don’t give a shit.

Back to my story. MQD says “Balls!” and I say “Hmmm…” as if to respond.  Because I thought for some reason he was talking to me.  Like Balls! is my new nickname.  And before I know it we are hysterical.  “Have you met my wife, Balls?”

All my life I have wanted a nickname.  When I was ten we all signed our names on a square piece of cardboard that would become the back of a t-shirt at our elementary school.  I wrote my full name with “Gonzo” in parenthesis as my middle name.  I have no idea why I did this.  Like I could just invent my own nickname.

But for fuck’s sake I hope I have not succeeded.   Somehow I don’t think Balls! (and yes, it has to have an exclamation point, I think) is a good nickname for this child-rearing time of my life.  But, jeez, it makes me laugh.

Either way I have a feeling I will snicker every time MQD says “Have you met my wife?”

7 responses to “Have you met my wife?

  1. Pingback: The Square Root of 49 is a PRIZE!! | Excitement on the side

  2. This is the first thing that comes to mind when I hear anyone say, “Balls!” To me, it makes your nickname that much funnier. (By the way, I’m usually very well behaved, particularly in public spaces, including the interwebs. There’s something about your posts that sometimes makes me forget my manners.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNYXgV7L-c

  3. Speaking of ice cream and Balls! … have you tried Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls? I’m thinking it’s calling your name ; )

  4. We routinely use “balls!” as a curse word around the office. To the point that one of my co-workers took a photo of a pile of dirty baseballs and printed up as a poster that just says “Balls” in the corner. I salute MQD and his choice of curse words.

    P.S. I am so totally gonna call you “Balls!” from now on.

  5. Dude. This had me laughing so hard.

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