Tag Archives: Love

My very last…

Posted on October 28, 2011 | 7 comments

In October of 2008 two friends of mine came over with several bottles of red wine. And likely some cheese and snacks, because they are good like that.  We got to talking about boys and dating and my “plans” for the future.  I decided I was done man/dad shopping and it was high time I availed myself of the many splendors of living in a college town.

As the third bottle was opened we were shopping through her facebook friends.  And there he was.  “That one.  With his tongue out. Who makes the Blue Steel face. He’s fantastic.”

My friend said he was perfect.  Smart.  Funny.  Not so young that we’d have nothing to talk about.  But he’d likely not want to spend the evening comparing jogging strollers.  Or divorce attorney war stories.

It was after midnight when she handed me the phone.  He was driving back from a concert in Maryland, Virginia, maybe?  I’d had just enough to drink that the details are hazy.  But the long and short of it was that it was decided we’d have dinner on Monday night.  Em was at her dad’s.  I was free as a bird.  His voice on the phone was perfect.

We exchanged a few texts on Monday evening.  He was right on time.  He got out of his car.  In a long grey overcoat.  He took me to dinner at Glass Half Full.  Much like the night we got engaged, neither of us were particularly hungry.  We pushed food around.  We drank wine.  We laughed.

We were having fun so we went to the Speakeasy across the street for  a few beers.  It got easier to laugh.  He was easy to be around.  Whip smart.  And funny.

He brought me home.  We came inside and I decided waiting until the end of the night to get our first kiss out of the way was too long.  So we took care of that.  And then we talked and laughed some more.  And he went home.

At 8:30 the next morning he sent me this email.

I had fun last night and I think you’re pretty fucking cool.  This morning, I was right in the middle of my sequence of alarms to get out of bed, but you’re voicemail was the one that actually gave me the good kick to get moving.  It put me in a good mood. :) So I’m saying that I had a good time and I’d like to hang out with again.

MQD

Two days later I had seen him two more times.  And at 9:30 that morning I sent him this email.

I feel more like me than I have in ages.

And that was my very last first date.

 

 

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Posted in Family

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Three

Posted on October 27, 2011 | 2 comments

Three is the atomic number of lithium.  I looked that up to impress a boy.

It is also the number of years since the day I met that boy. On the first anniversary of the day we met I wrote him a letter, 365 reasons why I loved him.  On the second anniversary I wrote him another letter, cleverly titled 365 more reasons. 

365 More Reasons Even…. That’s 1,095 but who’s counting?

  1. You always eat the heels of the bread.
  2. You understand why I like to sit close to you on the couch.
  3. You really love my dog.
  4. You stayed up late so many nights and planned our wedding.
  5. You actually had a lot of opinions.
  6. You fucking love sharks.
  7. You like to plan the famly’s dinners.
  8. You go to the grocery store with a list.
  9. You call me on the way home from work to see if we need something.
  10. You almost always text me when you have arrived safely somewhere. And before you depart.
  11. You are brave.
  12. You make great banana bread.
  13. You have a pile of recipes jammed in a book that I am sure you know by heart.
  14. You really hate it when something goes bad in the fridge.
  15. If I saute some garlic in butter you think it is the best meal ever.
  16. You will love your t-shirt quilt when it is all finished.
  17. On this year, our third anniversary I am more than certain you will tear up while you read this.  And that makes me smile.
  18. I think you work hard while you’re at work.
  19. Speaking of work, the pile of safety glasses in your car is adorable.
  20. You love my meatloaf.
  21. Even when there are carrots in it.
  22. You go out for ice cream after Em is in bed.
  23. I love it that you don’t particularly care that I am not wild about Cat. It makes me feel like if someone close to you said they didn’t like me you’d say “Oh, well too bad for you, I love her.”
  24. Either you changed a setting on your CGM or it doesn’t beep all night now or it just doesn’t wake me up anymore.  I don’t care what it is.  But I love you for not beeping like a robot all night.
  25. You agreed to go somewhere warm on our honeymoon.
  26. You didn’t mind that I read six books that week.
  27. You went for sushi on my birthday this year even though I know you weren’t very hungry.
  28. You dressed up as the White Rabbit for Halloween last year.
  29. And were so down with the family Halloween theme.
  30. You suggested we go ziplining this year.
  31. AND then you made it happen.
  32. You like to wear a suit.
  33. And you look pretty smokin’ in one.
  34. You made cookies with Emily last year at Christmas time.
  35. You teach her about the science of baking.
  36. You wore the Christmas family pajamas and let me take pictures.
  37. You look like Michael Weston in your sunglasses.
  38. You are so sappy.
  39. At the Whitley’s wedding when you introduced Em and I to people you looked so proud of us.
  40. You love the Science Experiment toy we got her as much as she does.
  41. You are really proud of Emily.
  42. Rumor has it you let her goof around for a bit on the playground when you pick her up from school.
  43.  She loves this.
  44. You ask me if I read an article on a metal blog like you think I might say yes.
  45. You had a killer time on your metal cruise.
  46. But you acknowledged that you might be growing up.
  47. Get ready for the wedding related battery of reasons I adore you.  First and foremost, you married me. 
  48. You looked like a grown man and a little boy all at once that day.
  49. You really kissed me after our “I do.”
  50. You laughed with me during our ceremony.
  51. The reading you chose was so perfectly you.
  52. The playlist we put together of tunes was stellar.
  53. Whenever I play it you ask me to burn it to a disk for you.
  54. You danced with me like I was a princess.
  55. You included Em in our wedding day.
  56. But it was clear that it was our wedding, yours and mine.
  57. You are so open and warm and ready to love my wacky army of friends.
  58. You politely told our driver he was going the wrong way.
  59. You didn’t think it was absurd that I wanted to wear my wedding hat on the plane the next day.  Or a few days later on our honeymoon.
  60. You might have thought it was absurd if you knew I had it on last night while I packed things at the old house.
  61. You know in your heart of hearts that I can’t thank you enough for our wedding day.
  62. You made my little girl wedding dream come true.
  63. And even if little boys don’t dream about weddings, I think it was your perfect day, too.
  64. You probably know that I will segue next in to some reasons that I love you that are baby related.
  65. You made me a baby.
  66. You held me while I cried  and told me that if I couldn’t get pregnant it was okay.
  67. And when we got pregnant in about four minutes you didn’t say “See, what was all that cryin’ about?”
  68. You are reading books about babies and labor.
  69. You looked so excited when you told your friends.
  70. You were tearing up when we told Emily.
  71. The day you heard the heartbeat … that day was so special to me.
  72. You really want this baby.
  73. You try and tell me not to worry.  And for the most part you don’t make me feel like a nut for worrying anyway.
  74. You are down with the family bed, no questions asked.
  75. You don’t challenge my infant parenting ideas, telling me that Em turned out great so we should keep it up.
  76. Whenever someone mentions my appearance, referring to my pregnancy you say “I think she looks great” and you smile and it melts me.
  77. This pregnancy has made you softer.
  78. I can’t imagine what this baby is gonna do.
  79. You embraced the idea of the birthing center.
  80. Your eyes do not visibly glaze over when I jabber on about breastfeeding.
  81. Your eyes do glaze over when I jabber on about many other things.  But you’re still there.  In the room.
  82. You giggle at night with me in bed.
  83. You love scary movies.
  84. You stay up all night watching netflix movies like a kid.
  85. Sometimes I think you sleep on the couch on purpose.  And that’s okay.
  86. It never makes me wonder if you’re mad at me.
  87. And that is probably a good sign.
  88. Em says you like to sit on the couch but Mom likes to lie down.
  89. I know you just give us all the room.
  90. You leave your keys attached to your pants usually at night.
  91. You are really serious about teeth brushing.
  92. You resumed the eating of carbs.  Bless your heart.
  93. Your pre-honeymoon suit shopping extravaganza was adorable.
  94. You’ll try on something if I say I really like it.
  95. Speaking of shopping! The honeymoon night we had cocktails for dinner and shopped was so fun.
  96. You’d smile and say “Then get it.  Let’s just get it!” at everything we looked at.
  97. You watch the Peanuts holiday specials with me.
  98. And you pretend I watch them for Emily.
  99. I think I told you in the last two lists how much I love your family, but I do.  More and more.
  100. Your parents.
  101. Aislinn.
  102. Nana.  They all deserve their own number.
  103. When we went to Boston this year and I was sleepy the night we went out to see your friends you didn’t mind that I went home early.
  104. You are loving your Pregnancy Sobriety.
  105. And not just because it saves us a small fortune.
  106. You love rituals.
  107. You always lock the doors.
  108. You can be so hot tempered.
  109. You respect the women that you work with.
  110. You have embraced your checkered Vans.
  111. I might as well throw out the 2011 “You have a great ass.”  It didn’t make the first 100 this year.  But not because I find it any less stunning.
  112.  You laugh it off when you destroy your electronics in water.
  113. You really could give up your iphone.
  114. You listened to Howie Mandel with me that day instead of reading your book.
  115. You can chit chat or ride in silence in the car.
  116. I hate the way you drive, but I do feel safe.
  117. Oh!  Speaking of safe, your safety glasses on the 4th of July.
  118. You are the cutest dad.
  119. A little rain won’t slow you down.
  120.  You truly appreciated your Alien birthday party.
  121. You still hug me when I make you food.
  122. You were so strong for me at my grandparent’s.
  123. You held my grandfather’s hand for a moment when you met him.
  124. Since you were the only one in the room that was not in denial you probably knew you’d not see him again.
  125. But you never for a moment made that known.
  126. You looked after Em that weekend almost exclusively so I could be there for my mom.
  127. You smiled sheepishly when my grandmother said you were cute right in front of you.
  128. You drove the golf cart. And let me take pictures.
  129. You understand why family is such a high priority.
  130. You make an excellent grilled cheese.
  131. You let Emily’s father visit her in our home.
  132. Even though he is my ex-husband.
  133. You let my old friend Jeremy visit me in our home.
  134. Even though he is my ex-husband.
  135. You are gracious.
  136. You are growing more patient with each year.
  137. You taught Em to tie her shoes.
  138. You almost never forget to kiss me goodnight.
  139. You looked really excited to see Summer after she was born.
  140. To see you hold a newborn for the second time, you looked more confident that when Gia was born.
  141. I could see you mentally imagining our future.
  142. You remind me of concerts I want to see.
  143. You bought the family tickets to the Trans Siberian Orchestra at Christmastime! AWESOME idea.
  144. I think you actually like Panic now.
  145. I know you actually like the McMullens.
  146. You didn’t think it was crazy when I suggested we look at the house across the street from them.
  147. You are cautious but fearless when it is time to make a move.
  148. You like a more rural life. Even though you are a city kid.
  149. Our house… our home.  You made it happen.
  150.  Next year’s list will be filled with moments that I loved you in our home.  Where we will stay.  And have a family.
  151. You and the damn sweaters in the summer.  They crack me up.
  152. Our tattoos!! How did I leave them out? I love ’em!
  153. You made Em’s birthday special for her.
  154. Your family has traditions you pass on to her.
  155. The ladies at the pre-school always made me feel so lucky to have found you,  and they were right.
  156. You are trying to download every song ever recorded.
  157. You went to Ikea with me.
  158. Twice.
  159. You care about things in the house.
  160. Much like our wedding I think our home will reflect who we are.
  161. You think it is hilarious when you stab me with your toenails.
  162. You took the kids to the corn maze and let me stay home.
  163. You’re much better at parental chitchat with other parents than I am.
  164. You are taller than me.
  165. Your love affair with your overcoat still makes me swoon.
  166. You can’t stand how I fast forward past the end of a commercial break.
  167. But you still let me hold the remote.
  168. The way you laugh at Tosh.0 is contagious.
  169. Sometimes you mumble when you sleep.
  170. You snuggle my Snoopy when you think I am not looking.
  171. You don’t ever seem nervous.
  172. My 35th birthday is one I will never forget.
  173. You let it go now when I hurt your feelings.
  174. So, I think you know I don’t mean to be hurtful.
  175. You’ve told me in this next year you’ll help me be more mindful of you.  And I hope you do.
  176. When I finally pull my head out of my ass and I am ready to talk about somethign that is hard, you listen.
  177. You love a good fart joke.
  178. Or even a bad fart joke.
  179. You are consistent.
  180. You are proud and not boastful.
  181. You are teaching me not to care so much about dumb shit.
  182. You don’t mind when I read in bed.
  183. Your notecards…  I don’t know what it is about our notecards but they make me smile.
  184. You were stoked to scan your documents.
  185. You are so responsible.
  186. You take the trash can out.
  187. And you pull the trash can back from the curb.
  188. You are generous.
  189. Your hair is really soft.
  190. I can recognize you from the back of your head from a hundred yards away.
  191. You got rid of the vest.
  192. You are tolerant.
  193. You laugh at our Date Nights.
  194. But you love them.
  195. You hug me when I need it.
  196. And when I don’t.
  197. The way you grab my hands and wrap them around you makes me cry.
  198. You make me crazy.
  199. You don’t  mind that I blab about my life which is really our life on the interwebz.
  200. You don’t have a lot of secrets.
  201. But you’ll take the ones you have to your grave.
  202. You never make fun of me when I haven’t seen an internet meme before.
  203. You Google Buzz.
  204. You and maybe twelve other people world wide.
  205. You play clacker with Emily.
  206. You’ll sit with her at the table for hours.
  207. You are and will forever be my last first date.
  208. You love a Family Guy hug.
  209. I think we have two pretty good baby names.
  210. It was your idea not to find out the gender.  And while it is maddening, I love it.
  211. You think baby D is a girl.
  212. And you are fine either way.
  213. You unpacked your clothes at the new house and you have only one un-matching sock.
  214. And you rarely match them.  You are amazing.
  215. You don’t pretend to feel baby moving when you can’t.
  216. You don’t seem appalled by adoration of my new wig.
  217. When I said I might cut of all my hair you said “Do it.”
  218. You really don’t care about a lot of things if it makes me happy.
  219. You never make the bed.  And for reasons I can not fathom this does not annoy me.  So it must be Love.
  220. You are not bothered by my glowing phone in bed at 6 am.
  221. You don’t question why I reconcile my checking account every morning before I get out of bed.
  222. Your as tolerant of my neurosis as I am of yours.
  223. You still make me nervous.
  224. You fund your retirement account.
  225. You take saving money seriously.
  226. You sent me that Hitler Metallica video and it was super funny.
  227. You talk to Fisher.
  228. In his language.
  229. You will totally have full conversations with the baby.
  230. You smell good.
  231. Even when you’re sweaty.
  232. I can’t imagine a situation where you would want to go to a karaoke bar.
  233. You bought Em flowers on her birthday.
  234. You write cute things in cards.
  235. You make an x over the i in Mike sometimes.
  236. You encourage me.
  237. You love to scare the hell out of Em.
  238. You’re not disgusted by Fish’s slimey fox or his Snoopy.
  239. You probably wouldn’t be upset if your list was late this year.
  240. But I knwo you’d notice if you didn’t get one.
  241. I am sure that I have repeats this year, but I am blaming Baby D.
  242. When you ask em “What can I do?” you mean it.
  243. Which is awesome because if I say “Go to the store and get me an XYZ” you go.
  244. And I am learning that if I say “Nothing, I can do it myself” I have no one to blame but me if you let me do so.
  245. You are everything to me.
  246. But you have me convinced I could survive without you.
  247. I think we’ll be married forever.
  248. I think about that song “Book of Love” a lot.  Abotu the video of the old people holding hands.
  249. I can’t WAIT to see you mow the  grass in your tube socks.
  250. You might not have noticed, but your out loud bedtime reading voice is much more confident now.
  251. When I hear you two giggle in her room it melts me.
  252. You got your car repaired.
  253. You told me you’d be in charge of my oil changes.
  254. You notice when I get a new sticker on my car.
  255. You will totally wear a baby.
  256. And it will totally make me want to smooch you.
  257. You will probably be more worried than I am about things like sunscreen and bugs and “did we bring an extra…” and it will be cute.
  258. Your man purse will be packed with baby crap.
  259. And you will take it everywhere.
  260. When we go places you’ll say “I’ll hold him/her” so I can finish eating.
  261. I will be on the couch with the baby, in tears, in my pajamas some day when you get home from work.  Tearfully I will say “I don’t have dinner ready.” And you will probably kiss me and see if I want take out from somewhere you don’t even like.
  262. You’re thoughtful like that.  When it matters most.
  263. You are not a cuddler while you sleep.  But you don’t mind it when I scoot over on your side.
  264. You know all the planets.
  265. And how microwaves work.
  266. And a lot of other SCIENCE!
  267. You watch cartoons with Em.
  268. When we let you “sleep in” you still get up and hang out with us.
  269. I think you might actually get me a leaf blower for Christmas.
  270. And not as a joke.
  271. You know my feet reek.  But you don’t bring it up too awful often.
  272. You check your temperature when you don’t feel well.
  273. You ask me fora doo-dad sometimes.
  274. You are understanding of my total inability to articulate a thought lately.
  275. When I need to just got to bed at 7 you take over.
  276. When you brush Emily’s hair I can see how much you love her.
  277. When I am scared at night and yiy’re asleep I sneak up next to you and hold on tight.
  278. Sometimes you say “shhh shhh” in your sleep the same way you say it to Emily when she is crying.
  279. You smile when I get excited when I get new lasses in the mail.
  280. You seem to marginally understand my shoe obsession.
  281. You love me.
  282. You like me.
  283. You know the difference.
  284. You are funny and charming when we go out with people we don’t know well.
  285. Your shoes are never untied.
  286. You have a shoe polish holder.
  287. You are committed.
  288. You never seem to wonder if we’ll make it.

I owe you 77 more.  It has been one hell of a week, the icing on the cake for the last year.  I can’t imagine a more life changing time than the last year.  Filled with joy.  We made a marriage and a family.  And a baby.  And now we are making a home.  I love you, Michael Quinn Doherty.

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Posted in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

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Letting go and holding on…

Posted on April 6, 2011 | 10 comments

I have an unlikely friend. The Universe works in mysterious ways.  When my phone rang a couple of weeks ago and it was the young lady my ex-husband was living with soon after we separated you’d probably not have guessed that I’d have answered.  Or that she’d have been calling to ask for advice.  Or that I’d have poured a glass of wine and sat down on my back porch, giggling like I was talking to a dear girlfriend.  Or that I’d have been so very thrilled to hear the anticipation in her voice as she was preparing to catch up with an old boyfriend.

Then again you’d be just as surprised to know that a few years ago, when I was preparing our divorce papers it was Hillary I called.  To make sure it was a good time to send them. That she’d be around if he needed someone to talk to. Because I hated the idea of him hurting and not talking to anyone about  it.

Sometimes the world brings you the people you need in your life.  And sometimes you seek them out, asking advice from the friends that you know will tell you want to hear.   I knew Hillary would tell me to do what I needed to do, not take any bullshit, rip the band-aid off.  And when she called the other evening, I suspect she knew that I’d tell her to dive in, head first, heart and arms wide open, because what have you got to lose?  If there was ever a time to ask a woman if she thinks it is a good idea to be open to the possibility of Love I’d guess that the month before she gets married is a pretty damn good time.  I think my exact words to her that night were “What did you think I’d say?  Are you fucking kidding,  I love Love!”

So it was with a heavy heart that I read her email last week.  She told me that it was a no-go with the old flame.  I replied that she just has to keep putting herself out there.  And in what I declare a moment of genius told her that “our hearts are like earthworms. We have endless regenerative powers.”  Hillary is a tough cookie.  And when I didn’t hear from her I assumed that she was toughing it out.  Her earthworm heart mending itself in time to be torn in two for perhaps the gazillionth time, but all in all, no worse for the wear.  And then yesterday she posted this….

Dear Kelly Ann,
You never mentioned that once you try and finally let go….what happens when they try to force themselves back into your life? What if my guard is weak just like my heart? Why all these fucking games? Why all the constant tugs on my heart strings?
Sincerely, Hillary  from cantstopthebeattt

And I am at a loss.  I am a Dreamer.  A Believer in Love.  But I am not one to suggest to my friends that they keep putting themselves in the line of fire, earthworm hearts or not.    So I am not sure how to respond.  And when I am not sure of what I think I am prone to question what the asker thinks I am going to say… Did she ask me hoping that I’d tell her to stay true to her heart, to try one more time, to never give up, because after all wasn’t it me that was “in Love with Love” just last week?  Or did she ask me  because she heard the tearful struggles. She saw me crying in the parking lot of the Waffle House where Jer and I would  swap Em for the weekend.  She knew from our talks so long ago that I did leave once, but I never stopped loving.  So maybe she was looking for me to be the Kenny Rogers of relationship advice and tell her to “know when to walk away, know when to run.”

As is usually the case once I talk myself all the way through both possibilities I can see that neither is really right.

I can’t tell you how to walk away.  And I can’t tell you how to hold on and keep trying, in spite of the hurt.  Because I don’t think we every really make that choice.  Hillo, we don’t choose to fall in love.  And we can’t, unfortunately, choose to let it go, either.  I don’t think we ever really walk away, or put up a fence around our hearts, not when you love with your whole heart.  So, then when is it over?  It’s over one day when you wake up and you realize that you’re not crying.  That you fell out of love as wordlessly, as effortlessly and quietly as you fell in.

So, keep treading water if you don’t want to dive in headfirst, little girl.  But I’m afraid you can’t just get out of the pool.  I don’t think girls like us have that as an option.

*A few years ago you put a bunch of pictures of your past in a mirror.  A mirror that had been mine and had hung in my house, with pictures of my past in it for over a decade.  When I moved out I didn’t take it with me.  And it ended up in your hands.  I hope you still have it.  And I hope you keep looking in it.  For a little while longer, anyway.   And then I hope one day you don’t need it anymore.  I hope you get all the answers you need from your past.  And I hope you know how grateful I am for your unlikely friendship.

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Posted in Bad Mood, Family

Tagged , , , ,

The Weight

Posted on January 5, 2011 | 9 comments

So, a really smart person asked me another really smart question. And for a second I wished she’d knock that shit off.  But it was asked with just the right amount of “tell me if I am stepping on your toes and I’ll shut up” to know she really meant that.  And given that she knows whereof she speaks, I paused.  And really thought about the answer.

And the more I thought about it the quieter I felt like being… and now that I think I have an answer for her, I figured it was as good an excuse as any to choke back out some words right here so I can get past the pre-christmas pity party I threw for myself.  Barfing up some whiny mess here is like barfing up tequila at a party.  You’re not really even sorry you did it, because you really do feel better, you’re just sorry you have to see any of those people again, the people that saw you leaving the bathroom, sweating, dazed and stinking of a Cancun party bus.

So, what she asked me is if I was  “depressed.”  Or suffering from “minor depression” with an apology for the use of the word minor, which was fair, as all who have suffered from it know that it feels like being told you were in a “minor car accident,” only your car is totaled and uninsured.  Short answer.  No.  I’m not.  I have been, in my life, and so I took some time and stepped back and thought about it.  But nope.    But I am suffering daily.  On two fronts.  That I am hard pressed to believe are not related.

Several months ago when I had my IUD removed I started paying really careful attention to my body.  Oddly, at the same time I stopped taking  particularly good care of it.  Thank you very much, holiday food and drink.  But in an effort to keep my psychosis and paranoia from consuming me I started charting my temps and watching my ovulation signs so I would know when to expect my period, consequently limiting the amount of time I spend convinced I am pregnant mere months before the Biggest and Most Fun Party Ever, I mean our wedding.   At about this same time I started experiencing terrific back pain.  Being a nerd, I logged all these symptoms in to my phone.  Since the holidays were a bigger priority to me than running or the gym has been the last couple months, I couldn’t blame it on the gym.

Stepping back now I can see I am in pain more often than not.

In the morning I struggle to get out of bed.  Mornings are the toughest, as I wince through making coffee, struggle to get back up from a crouched position to get something from the fridge.  I am short with Em and MQD.  I am angry.  A hot shower and a heaping handful of Advil go a long way.  But it’s not my favorite way to wake up.  Angry.  Hurting.

The pain in my back lends itself nicely to feeling sorry for myself.  Not only does it contribute to my lack of exercise, but it causes me to dwell unnecessarily on the process of aging.  I think, and think about how lucky I was that I was so healthy for so many years, and really have experienced very little physical pain.

And as soon as I make that distinction….. no physical pain,  the pain I did feel all comes back, because I am already crying, might as well make use of it.  And before I know it, I am crouched on the floor in the kitchen in front of the fridge, or bent over the trying to pick up my shoes, crying… because my back hurts, and because I am sad I went so long without doing the hard work to get happy.  Now that I have it, this capital letter h Happy… I can’t believe I went so long without finding it.  The easier my relationship becomes with Jer the more I wonder why I didn’t just let him go sooner.  We have our family back.  Em’s got her dad, I have my friend.  And we have MQD.  Who daily is more than I ever could have imagined a man to be.

So… the short answer to am I depressed is no.  But I am in pain.  My back hurts.  And my heart hurts.  And hurting makes me angry.  And being angry makes me unreasonably frustrated with everything.

I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that I am really fucking sad. Right smack dab in the middle of the happiest time of my life.  And I am confused by it.

Marriage is a leap of faith.  One I am prepared to make.  I feel confident and secure.  As secure as someone like me gets anyway…. but all of it, all of this capital letter “H” Happiness is stirring up Sadness and Anger and Failure and all kinds of bullshit that has no repository.  So, how do just I barf it up like that cheap tequila so I can make it all over with quicker?  The same way I used to try to then… drink more of it.  I wallowed in it, hoping that one good splash of feelings would come up from deep inside me and the sweating would stop and I’d feel better.  But it’s just not coming.  So… where do I go from here?

To have someone help me  pull it all out.  Let me look at it and then step over it.

My back hurts.  My heart hurts.  And it’s getting in the way of me sucking up all the Good that is surrounding me.  So in the last couple of weeks I did a couple of things that were hard, but not as hard as carrying this weight.  I asked MQD to help me with Em so I can take care of me.  I made an appointment with someone “to talk to” so I can move on.  And this morning I called the chiropractor.  It’s either my heart making my back hurt or my back making my heart hurt.  I’m not wasting any more time….   gonna fix ’em both up.  And take a load off….

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Posted in Bad Mood, Exercise, Family, This Book Will Change Your Life, Wedding Planning

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10 Day Challenge (8)

Posted on November 24, 2010 | Leave a comment

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

In thinking about this the last few minutes I realized (for the first time TODAY, certainly not the last) what a big, fat sap I am.  For such a crass girl, I sure have a sweet spot for romance.

  1. Good manners.  Open the door for me, or pull out my chair.  And I will probably blush if I don’t know you.
  2. When MQD puts his hand in the middle of my back when he walks by me in the house.  It is the smallest gesture.  But it makes me feel like his girl .
  3. Al Green.  Yep, I’m that complicated.  All it takes is Al Green.

Or if you really want  to melt me…. look at me like this.

And then like this….

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10 Day Challenge (3)

Posted on November 18, 2010 | Leave a comment

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

  1. Well here are 365 ways.  And 365 more.  
  2. Be honest.  With me, sure.  But with yourself, first and foremost.
  3. Be funny. Think I am funny.  Laugh easily.
  4. Make direct eye contact with me for long enough for it to  almost be uncomfortable.
  5. Love a band with all your heart.  Or ten bands.  I don’t care what band it is, shitty or not, but if music moves you then you “get me.”  Extra points if you can’t really sing or play an instrument.
  6. Be self confident.  To the point of being cocky.
  7. Challenge me.
  8. Wear a god damn belt.  Always.  Wear a belt.

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Day 52: The Meaning of Life

Posted on November 11, 2010 | 2 comments

Day 52: Determine the meaning of Life by looking it up in the dictionary.

the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
And if that doesn’t do it for you, from Monthy Python’s Meaning of Life: The End of the Film
Well, it’s nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
I think a combination of those two is a pretty fair assessment.
And for me?  The Meaning of my Life.  It’s pretty simple.  John Lennon said it best.  All you need is Love. I woke up one morning, turned over and found this.  And my heart almost exploded.

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All’s fair…

Posted on November 3, 2010 | 9 comments

I had a conversation in the car this morning with the little lady that made my heart stop for a second.  It isn’t uncommon to have moments where I stop and wonder how truthful I should really be with her.  She’s an intuitive little soul so lying to her outright is out of the question.  I have been struggling to find the words to just tell her that I think that the answer is complicated and if she wants to talk about it later we certainly can.  That’s working for now.

She is the “child of the week” at school and this morning she wanted to bring a They Might Be Giants CD to share with her class.   I hit play on the CD player to look for the TMBG CD and the first song that came through the speakers was one off the CD of an old friend of mine. The music started and Em immediately said “Oh, Mom.  We haven’t seen Timmy in so long.  I hope we can see him soon.  I miss him.”  I laughed.  I don’t know why he made such an impression on her but he certainly did.  Either that or she knew how important he is to me and picked up on that.  (Em recently met another old and very dear friend of mine, Amanda, and she has taken to dropping Amanda’s name in conversation lately.) She asked me “Can we call Timmy, Mom?”  I answered “Not right now, baby.  It’s super early in the morning.  But we will call him soon.  I miss him, too.”

She thinks.  “Did you love Timmy when you were a little girl, Mom?”   Straight to the point, that’s my girl.  “I did, Em.”

“So you loved Timmy and then Daddy and then Mike?”  This was a good opportunity for me to gloss over a few facts.  Like how I loved the first boy, and then Timmy, and then a boy that was unlike any other boy I’d ever love, and then a boy Timmy introduced me to, actually, and then a boy in college that traveled the globe and then a boy that became a man before my eyes and then I met Daddy.  And then the lines between “in love” and “love” got really messy.  So I opted to go with a simple “Yup.”

“And now you are in love with Daddy and Mike?”  I could feel my eyes get wet.   “No, honey.  I am in love with Mike.  Daddy and I both love you very much and we will always be each other’s family.”

She sighs.  “Oh, did you break Daddy’s heart?”

There are a million answers  to that question.  “No more-so than he broke mine.”   “Yes.”   “No.”   “Who knows? He’d never tell me.”

I paused.  “No, Emily.  Daddy and I were very young when we met.  Just like you were young when we met you.”  She laughs.  “So, Daddy and I lived together for a long time, and we grew up and we now we don’t live together anymore.  Just like one day you will not live in my house anymore, but I will always love you.  And I don’t live with Annie or DonDon, right, but I love them.   And I certainly didn’t break their hearts.”

My answer was all over the place.  And intended to distract her.  But it was honest.

She thought.  And as she opened her mouth to reply I thought oh please, can we just get to school, can this conversation be over?

“This is a good song, Mom.  You know Timmy was alive in the twentieth century.  This is a song about real life.”

Yes.

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365 More Reasons

Posted on October 28, 2010 | 3 comments

Last year on our first anniversary I wrote MQD a list of 365 reasons I loved him.  This year I did the same.  Much of what I write here is an effort to keep a record.  A record of the time passing.  There is so much of our lives we think we will never forget.  And then you turn around one day and you can’t remember.  Today.  Today, I want to remember.  They are sweet, precious days that someday will become ancient history.

 

365 More Reasons…. one more for every day….

for MQD, on October 27, 2010

  1. You asked me to marry you!
  2. You have me convinced I will be able to get pregnant even though I am a zillion years old.
  3. You’ve reminded me this past year that I have a thicker skin than I thought.
  4. You’ve also made it clear in this last year that you have a thinner skin than I’d imagined and taught me to mind my mouth.
  5. You shamed me in to not screwing with my phone while I drive.
  6. You continue to take your health very seriously.
  7. You make me feel like my own health is important.
  8. You still tuck Emily in every night that you’re home .
  9. Which is most.
  10. You’ve turned out to be a great room mate.
  11. You’re responsible.
  12. You like decorating for Halloween!
  13. You make Arrabiata every time I ask.
  14. You do the dishes even though I know you hate it.
  15. You’ve trained me to laugh at cat videos.
  16. You read in bed. And you leave the light on even when I am ready to go to bed.  But the “sexy man reading” still trumps my desire to go to sleep.
  17. You laugh at the things you read and don’t always share them.
  18. You’re ruining the little jam band fan I was raising.
  19. You are an amazing “Mike” to our little girl.
  20. You have an awesome mother.
  21. You have an awesome father.
  22. You have an awesome sister.  (This was worth three spots because they are truly that wonderful, and I feel so lucky to very soon consider them my family.)
  23. You are not a bed hog.
  24. You don’t leave towels on the floor or on the bed.
  25. You’re teaching me to “ask” you and not to “nag” you when I need something.
  26. When you watch terrible movies you admit they are terrible.
  27. You have so many wonderful books.  And you loan them to me.
  28. You write in cursive.
  29. You are intentional.
  30. You’re honest.
  31. You’re a good friend to me, and to your friends.
  32. Speaking of them, you have fantastic friends, both old and new.
  33. I can say this now after two years!  You look GREAT in a suit.
  34. You have a great laugh.
  35. You’ll dance at weddings.
  36. You almost always lock the doors at night.
  37. You take your personal hygiene very seriously.
  38. You tolerate my desire to walk on a specific side of you.
  39. You enjoy my family.
  40. My family enjoys having you around.
  41. You understand that my “family” is not limited to those to whom I am blood related.
  42. Ok.  I love Cat.
  43. You are a sharp dresser.
  44. You like to play games around the table.
  45. You have a zero tolerance for cheating policy.  :)
  46. You’ve learned a lot about yourself this year.
  47. Much of it has been scary and hard to swallow.
  48. You are sharing more and more of those scary and hard to swallow moments with me.
  49. You’re not stereotypically “male” in most ways.
  50. You let me do the grilling.
  51. You act very grateful for the meals I prepare.  Even when they are less than stellar.
  52. You teach by example.
  53. You have good table manners.
  54. You went to dance lessons with me.
  55. You left with me when we decided it was ridiculous.
  56. You’re a great “date.”
  57. You make time for me.  For me to be your girl.
  58. When you reach across a table or a room or our bed to place your hand in mine, I never doubt that it was done with intent.
  59. You will likely notice if I repeat any of the “Reasons” from last year.
  60. You will likely dig out last year’s list and reread it some time in the next week.  But you won’t probably mention to me that you have.
  61. You are secretly so much more sentimental than I knew.
  62. You think about us as a “family.”  As your family.
  63. You like doing fun things with us all together.
  64. You don’t think of babysitting as babysitting when I go out.
  65. You got a big boy hair cut.
  66. You shave almost every Monday morning like clockwork.
  67. You almost always remember to come and give me a kiss right after you have shaved.
  68. You embraced my coffee cup of water to keep the sink from clogging plan.
  69. You remember to buy stuff at the store when we run out.
  70. You don’t make me feel stupid even though I never remember.
  71. The way you giggle at our silly “inside” jokes is my favorite sound.
  72. You are firm with Emily.
  73. She will know that she can count on you, much the way I know this.
  74. You talk to me about your job, and try to explain things.
  75. You value my opinion.
  76. You are an adorable wedding planner.
  77. You are generous.
  78. You make me unashamed.
  79. You don’t seem to be interested in regularly taking up a lot of space on the couch.
  80. You don’t seem to mind that I do.
  81. You give Emily chores. And help her to remember them.
  82. When you get up to get yourself a drink or when you make tea at night you always ask if I’d like some, too.
  83. You give me space.
  84. You take yours when you need it, unapologetically.
  85. You are committed to helping me understand the emotional roller coaster of being diabetic.
  86. You make delicious banana bread.
  87. You make crispy bacon for me.
  88. And floppy bacon for you and Emily.
  89. You ask me if your clothes match, and it’s cute.
  90. Most of the time they do.
  91. You understand why I nag you about whether or not you ate lunch.
  92. You are mindful of regular car maintenance.
  93. You really hear me and I can see the changes in us that result from our listening to each other.
  94. You kiss me, really kiss me.  Still.
  95. You take Em to school.
  96. You know how much she loves you even when she fails to tell you.
  97. You get misty eyed when we talk about the future, about our future.
  98. You’re writing wedding vows.
  99. Six months in advance.
  100. You finally went and had your nipple ring checked out.  And I am glad it is finally healing so I can hug you again.
  101. You read my silly blog.
  102. You apologize when you hurt my feelings.
  103. You understand very little of my life is “private.”
  104. But you don’t mistake this lack of privacy for a lack of sincerity or intimacy.
  105. You are very carefully helping me to not pass along my insecurities to Emily.
  106. You begrudgingly give me extra room in the closet.
  107. You write nice things in cards.
  108. I like the way you make an X over the I in your name.
  109. You make Em open the cards first when she opens a present.
  110. You love Sue Sylvester.
  111. You help me enforce the not too much TV rule in our house.
  112. You’re a good role model for kids like Austin.  I like that.
  113. You remind me to take an umbrella.
  114. You’re a gentleman like that.
  115. You wax nostalgic about your “twenties” in a cute way even though you’re still in the thick of them.
  116. You make up funny parts when you read Emily a story.
  117. You have a good sense of direction.
  118. You like nice things.
  119. You still “court” me even though you’ve got me for good.
  120. You apologize when you raise your voice.
  121. You find the most absurd things funny.
  122. You don’t take yourself too seriously.
  123. You never make me feel like I’m not the most beautiful girl in your world,   even though you never really say that.
  124. You check in on me, but it never feels like you’re checking up on me.
  125. You write me funny all caps instant messages that make me smile.
  126. You call me on my office line and it makes me blush.
  127. You read metal blogs.
  128. You could probably write a metal blog.
  129. You almost always buy a t-shirt when you go to a show.
  130. You stay up late talking to my mom.
  131. You know in your heart of hearts I love your owl talons.
  132. You are not bashful.
  133. You know who Mary Tyler Moore is.  And I don’t care if it is only because she is in your tribe.
  134. You always check the mail.
  135. You like scary movies.
  136. You agreed to go somewhere warm on our honey moon.
  137. You take your own hobbies and interests seriously and don’t mind shelling out the cash to enjoy them.
  138. You have a lot of beauty products.
  139. You have exceptional eye sight.
  140. You make a face when you say “Tinkerbell” that slays me.
  141. You’re good at sticking to a budget.
  142. You read Unconditional Parenting.
  143. And you let it really touch you.
  144. You love to scare the shit out of Emily.
  145. You will endlessly debate things.
  146. You’ll drop it when I am finished.
  147. You almost always come out to see if we need help carrying anything.
  148. You conquered your fear of flying.  With a little help.
  149. You hug me at the airport, or the train station, even when it hasn’t been but a few days.
  150. You un-facebook from time to time.
  151. You’ve brought a lot of levity to some heavy days.
  152. You let me cry about my divorce.
  153. You still let me cry from time to time.
  154. You know how much I love you.
  155. You have pretty eyes.
  156. You’re daring.
  157. You are forgiving.
  158. And yet you are relentless.
  159. You have no patience for my typos.
  160. You LOVE meat.
  161. You introduced me to the term meat sweats.
  162. You don’t litter.
  163. But you like to pretend you’re going to to see my horrified face.
  164. You challenge me.
  165. You give me the phone when you’re on the phone with your family.
  166. Oh!  Your grandmother, she is her very own reason that I love you!
  167. You carry my shit in your purse when I don’t take one.
  168. You are protective of your girls.
  169. You have a wonderful home town.
  170. You look so happy the first time each fall that you can wear a stocking cap.
  171. You’re a good shopper.
  172. You try things on in the store.
  173. Your wedding proposal was so sweet….
  174. You took the time to write down the details of the evening of our engagement when I asked you to.
  175. When you wake up in the morning you pop out of bed sometimes without kissing me.  But you always come back after your shower and say good morning
  176. You turn the shower off and not just the water,  finally.
  177. You’ve given me both the strength and the confidence to stand up to you.
  178. You probably recognize that #177 sure could bite you in the ass.
  179. You heard me on October 15th when we talked on the porch.  And you know that I will do everything I can to make us work.  Including face the things that scare me.
  180. You stand on the porch frequently when Emily and I leave the house, and you wave at us.
  181. You make me feel like part of you will be missing until we return.
  182. You let me decorate.
  183. But you have an opinion.
  184. You never throw my Snoopy on the floor.
  185. Or disrespect my Pillow Dog.
  186. You agreed to let me match up your socks.  Because the willy nilly throw them all in there approach was going to make me insane.  Even though they are not my socks, Or even in my drawer.  Just knowing they were in there.  Wild and loose.
  187. You are very conscious of not having tons of leftovers that we throw out.
  188. And to that end you will eat meatloaf many, many days in a row.
  189. You can drink a case of diet coke in about six hours.
  190. You like Morphine now.  And give me props every time we listen to them.
  191. I enjoy the Hour of Slack.  And I can not believe this.
  192. You are a stickler for DOING not TALKING about things.
  193. You tolerate my interest in football even though you don’t give a shit.
  194. You have our wedding date on your calendar as Big Day.
  195. You know that getting married won’t really change anything.
  196. You know that being “husband and wife” by title will feel good, though.
  197. You agreed to watch Dexter from the beginning even though you have seen the first three seasons.
  198. You’d flip if I gave a shitty kid’s movie 5 stars on your Netflix.  (I wouldn’t dare.)
  199. You don’t roll your eyes when I talk about my boob food girls like they are my in-real life friends.
  200. You encourage me to get to the gym by making sure I have the time to go, but don’t make me feel like you think less of me when I don’t.
  201. You laugh at me when I am ridiculous.
  202. Sweet Ass Parking Spot Day.
  203. You tell me when I have bad breath.
  204. You carry Emily when my back hurts.
  205. You remind me not to because of my back.
  206. You appreciate when the sky looks pretty.  And you’ll stop to look.
  207. You get choked up when you talk about how much you love us.
  208. You want a dog some day.
  209. You can laugh when I pick on you.  Most of the time.
  210. You let me know when it is not one of those times.
  211. You put up with me.
  212. You make Date Night feel special.  Just by the way you look at me.
  213. You will make an amazing Husband.
  214. You will make me feel like a Wife.  A real Wife.
  215. The vest.  I think you will retire the vest some day.
  216. When you like something you buy it in every color.
  217. You play by childhood rules.  First one to turn the radio on picks the music.  First one on the couch, remote in hand, picks the show.  I’m not sure you know you do this.  But you do.
  218. I like it.  It makes things predictable.
  219. You’re mindful of the A/C.  But not stingy with its use.
  220. You make a funny face when we are in the car and you’re driving and you bring something up and then you nod… as if to say “So, look it up and tell me what you find.”
  221. You are frequently exasperated with me.
  222. You still make me giddy when you call.
  223. You are creative.
  224. You let Em and Kellan play with your bass.
  225. You delight in showing Em how things work.
  226. You always forget to put the lettuce in the fridge.  And for some reason it makes me smile when I see the salad spinner on the counter after you clean up the kitchen.
  227. You keep me in check.
  228. You make me  a better mother.
  229. You never forget things.  Not important things.
  230. And #229 is so true that I am easily convinced I failed to tell you something when you do forget things.
  231. I think you will be a very engaged school parent.
  232. You carve a mean pumpkin.
  233. You ask me to do things for you that are easy, I think because you know it gives me pleasure.
  234. You notice the small things.
  235. You will make a Google document about anything.
  236. You’re excited for our wedding.
  237. You understood all the reasons it made me feel weird to talk about it before we were engaged.
  238. You wanted to ask my Father in person.
  239. You DID ask my father, the first chance that you got.
  240. You love garlic.
  241. You don’t mind hanging out in the kitchen with me while I cook.
  242. You shred your junk mail.
  243. You like your little horror movie & monster figurines.
  244. But you let the kids play with them.
  245. You humor me.  And my idiosyncrasies.
  246. Your underpants…. someday.  Someday you won’t make me giggle.  And that will be a sad day.
  247. You smell the milk for me when I think it’s bad.
  248. You don’t mind watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang every weekend.
  249. You shine your shoes regularly.
  250. You make fun of our age gap often enough to make me feel like it really doesn’t bother you.
  251. But not so often that it bothers me.
  252. You like waking up early in the morning.
  253. You’re not afraid of babies.
  254. You are genuinely thrilled to see that Gia is happy to see you.
  255. You’re open to examining why you feel the way you do about things.
  256. You bought me This Book Will Change Your Life. And you don’t think it is silly.
  257. You don’t let me dwell on things.
  258. You love Tosh.0.
  259. You tolerate my crap TV.  And I am SURE this is a repeat from last year, but you STILL tolerate my crap TV.
  260. You took a leap of faith with me.
  261. You examine your own religious inklings. Often.
  262. Without you I’d never know the joy that is TISM.
  263. You never delete shit on the TiVo.  Or at least I think you don’t.
  264. Sometimes you offer to take us out for dinner “my treat” and the way you say it melts me.
  265. When I look out the window and I see your car pulling in my heart skips a beat.
  266. You miss me when you go out of town.
  267. You are teaching me not to yell.
  268. You finally started drinking bottled beer.
  269. You “invented” peanut butter on waffles.
  270. You love full fat cheese sticks.
  271. You take your crap out of your pockets before you throw it in the laundry.
  272. For the most part you throw your clothes in the laundry.
  273. You are open to shopping for an alternative footwear to your grey sneakers.
  274. You wore your flip flops a lot this summer.
  275. You think we don’t “need” cable TV.
  276. You got ADT installed.
  277. You make the best “WTF is wrong with you” face.  Often.
  278. You actually say ROFLCOPTER.
  279. You’re savvy.
  280. You got Em a pink car seat. For your car.
  281. You try not to screw around with your phone while we are talking.
  282. You never seem to lose me when we are out in public.  Which is great.  Because I seem to lose you, me AND Emily.
  283. I think you really will start going to the UU Church with me.
  284. You know when something is just not a good fit for you.
  285. You came back to me.  Because I am.
  286. You hold me tight when you know it is time.
  287. You say “Shhh shhh, c’mere” when I need you to just Be.  To Be there.
  288. You have some good ideas about wedding music.
  289. You didn’t make me feel like I pressured you to get married.  Even though you could have.
  290. You read at the pool.  At the table.
  291. You remember to pack snacks.
  292. You drive even when you don’t want to.
  293. You planned on going to that Bridal Shower.  And it was a fun afternoon.
  294. You like Big Plans.
  295. You surprise me.
  296. You’re a good speller.
  297. You will probably see the connection between #295 and #296.
  298. You will stick to a meal plan if I make one.
  299. You are an excellent Grocery Shopper.
  300. You are careful.
  301. You said “we should get a booster seat” last night and you weren’t kidding.
  302. You’re a lightweight these days.
  303. You talked me in to putting a password on my phone.
  304. You call me when I can’t find my phone.
  305. If you roll your eyes you at least do it behind my back.
  306. You cut me a lot of slack.
  307. You are vain.
  308. You volunteered to take on parental roles.  And have executed them all with grace.
  309. You always introduce me, never leave me feeling awkward.
  310. You call Em “my daughter.”
  311. You draw funny pictures.
  312. You keep cryptic notes to yourself.
  313. You trust me not to invade your privacy.
  314. And I trust you to do the same.
  315. You are handsome.
  316. YOU WEAR JEANS!  ( Oh man, I almost left this one out…)
  317. I think you will become a jogger this year.  And that makes me proud of you.
  318. You push the stroller.
  319. You helped me in the garden.
  320. You look cute when you sleep on the couch.
  321. You can fall asleep with your shoes on.
  322. On the bed.
  323. You make me feel like everything is gonna be just fine.
  324. You fall asleep in mere moments.
  325. You always have cash for the tolls.
  326. You are my best friend.
  327. You get excited when we cross a state line.  No matter how long we’ve been in the car.
  328. You never forget to bring the fruit to school.
  329. I trust you with my most precious thing in your car.  Daily.
  330. You’re really good about staying on track with the timeline for our day.
  331. You are down with having a Prom Party some day at our house.
  332. You don’t mind that I let the neighborhood kids wreak havoc on our schedule some times.
  333. You are super funny when you get on the trampoline.
  334. You can’t find things in the fridge.
  335. You have a big heart.
  336. You wanted to call some kind of animal helper/veterinarian/control person over a turtle.
  337. You’ve exposed Em to Ren & Stimpy.
  338. You’re careful not to expose Em to too much else.
  339. You make the grossest sound when you have something in your teeth.  But it’s endearing.
  340. You love your tan sweatshirt.  Like, LOVE it.
  341. You will play “Which thing would you buy,” my all time favorite catalogue game.
  342. And the things you want are so damn funny.
  343. You love The Spinners.
  344. You really value mouthwash as its own step in the teeth routine.  Not as a substitute for brushing.
  345. You will not entertain my “what ifs.”  Sometimes this makes me insane.  But most of the time it saves me a tremendous amount of worry.
  346. You were behind me getting my IUD removed 100%.  Well not actually behind me,  That would have been awkward.
  347. You try not to let my seven hundred and thirty day long game of Grab Ass bother you.
  348. You bring the trash cans back.
  349. You can’t fold laundry to save your life  But you try.
  350. Your ability and desire to articulate your feelings has grown exponentially.
  351. You forgive yourself. I have learned a lot from you about this.  And I admire this.
  352. You forgive me, too.
  353. You don’t mock me.  Even though I know you have countless opportunity.
  354. You share your “man room.”  With the kids of all people.
  355. You have watched with anticipation our cats becoming friends.  And you comment upon it like it is international news.
  356. You’re scared sometimes.
  357. When I speak about the possibility of “us” not making it, you noticeably cringe.  And you finally said “I don’t like it when you say that.”
  358. You’re interesting.
  359. You don’t like talking on the phone but when I am driving a long distance at night you’ll chit chat with me.
  360. You have given me a Life Do-Over.
  361. You know that this year’s list made me cry even more than last years.
  362. You are mine.
  363. You are your own person at the same time.
  364. You are my “happily ever after.”
  365. You will understand that even though this year’s list might have some repeats, and it is definitely more focused on you and me and Emily than just you and me…. that I still love you, madly.  For every reason I listed last year.  And all of those above.  And a thousand more. Happy Second Anniversary, baby.

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Same time next year?

Posted on October 27, 2010 | 3 comments

Two years ago today a boy  took me out on a blind date.  Last weekend the man in this picture took us shopping for goodies to decorate our house with for Halloween.

I love you, sweetheart.  Happy Anniversary.

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Posted in Family, Wedding Planning

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