It was years ago now. At least five, maybe even more. I was sad. Scratch that. I was Sad. I was so sad that I never really answered my phone and I rarely returned a voice mail. I didn’t have anything new to report. So, my phone went unanswered and my voicemails were unreturned.
Emily and I were sitting in the car somewhere and I remember noticing how clear her speech had become. We were talking, really talking about something and it made me smile. I didn’t smile then like I do now so I took note. I turned around in the front seat and said “Hey, do you want to leave my message on my voicemail? All you have to say is “This is Emily & Kelly, leave us a message and we will call you back.”
What she ended up saying was beyond perfect. “Emily and Kelly, leave us a message and call us back!”
It has been years now. My voicemail remains the same. I can’t seem to bring myself to erase it. It was my go-to smile generator at a time that I needed one.
Today there are two people that I love experiencing a sadness that I can not even begin to understand. Even more people if you count all of the people that love them and the sadness that they feel, too. I have struggled to find words. Words that carry more weight than “I’m sorry,” words that heal more quickly than “I am here. I love you.” There really aren’t any words.
You will carry this Sad through days or weeks or months until one day something makes you smile. It won’t eradicate the Sad but it will be a window into the world of “It’s going to be okay” that you have to believe exists. There is no telling what will make you smile or when it will happen. But you will. You will smile.
I have stared at the computer all day. I recorded my voicemail message in nineteen different ways just to keep myself busy. Because I needed a project, I needed to be busy because I can’t really wrap my mind around the Sad that you are experiencing. While I have never known the path that you are walking right now I have known a Darkness that I believed to be impenetrable. Hold on to one another and watch for the Light. It will come. I love you.
I told you the other day that people will say things that make you want to pound them in to the ground. Because people don’t know what to say. I hope that this isn’t one of them. But I don’t know. I really don’t know.
I love you both so very much. I’m here, holding your family in Love and Light. I won’t forget. We won’t forget.
My apologies for the vague and unstructured nature of this post. When you write to make sense of the world around you sometimes things happen in your world that are not your story. The story belongs to someone else. Comments are closed on this post because, simply, there are no words.