All month I have looked around my house with my What can I get rid of and declutter lens. This morning I am looking at my house with my Holy Shit, I have a Mommy Date microscope.
When I was very young and dating and someone would stop by my dorm room or I would try and look at my place from a young man’s point of view. This was pretty easy. I didn’t have to clean anything. I made sure there was beer in my refrigerator and that there wasn’t a pair of men’s boxers on my bedside table or a proverbial pair of boots under my bed. I had beer and I wasn’t taken. We were good to go.
When I was older and a single mom dating it was more confusing. MQD came to pick me up for our first date and I can remember looking around my place and hoping that the mini-kitchen in my living room wouldn’t freak him out. I had Pottery Barn curtains. What if I was too far gone in to the land of Grown Up to interest him? I hoped that my futon would make it clear that my 20’s weren;t too far behind me.
This morning I have a Mom Date. We met at a local children’s museum. She blew my mind when she asked me for my number. And then she won my heart with a late night call freaking out about an email she thought she had sent to the wrong person. We email. We text. I even called her the day I got a shitty haircut and slugged back way too many glasses of wine on my front porch. She’s funny. I think she might even like-like me.
But now she is coming to my house. To let her child crawl around on my floor. I have to vacuum. Like Vacuum with a capital V. What if her kid finds that leaf I missed and he chokes? My bathroom is clean. But it doesn’t smell like bleach.
Should I offer to make her lunch? Oh man. That’s too complicated. Coffee? Should I apologize for my oh so not green and environment-friendly love of the Keurig cups? Hopefully my offer of real sugar or Truvia made from stevia and not cancer-causing Equal will win me favor.
I suggested we take a walk if it isn’t freezing. Does that make me sound like a fitness freakazoid? I am obsessed. A little. But I don’t care if she is. I should probably not drop a line like “Hey, some of my best friends are totally lazy!”
I’m guessing I should probably not say “So, I guess you read my post…” even though she has read here in the past. I mean it is asinine to assume that she checks back every hour on the hour and she is coming over practically any minute… Gah.
Keep. The viking helmet on our bookshelf in the kitchen because it was a wedding gift and it makes me happy. Who would not want to be friends with a gal with a viking helmet?
Donate. A metal polka dot frog because while it matched the beach-y decor of my downstairs bathroom ten years ago it has no place in my life now. And there is no reason for it to hang out in my living room junk drawer.
Trash. A handful of receipts I had stashed in the catch-all tray in my living room. No one ever returns peanut M&Ms or Diet Coke and let’s face it, that’s what I buy on the regular.
Wish me luck. I brushed my teeth. I am wearing yoga pants. But I might change. Jeans? Oh man, this is so confusing. How do you make sure you look like a good Mom friend but not too Mom-ish?
Maybe we should have mimosas….
Pingback: It’s not you, it’s me, Diet Coke. | Excitement on the side
Ah , this explains so much for the time when my mother went rampage for a house party. And I found out that apparently being human and having my towel hanging on the staircase was too much for this analistic firetruck.
ON THE STAIRCASE? Whoa. My heart is racing.
Ahahaha – this is awesome. I hope you kept the viking hat (hell even drank mimosas out of it) and stopped stressing. It sounds like you have, gasp, made a mommy friend! :-)
Exercise?!?! Cancer?!?! Giving away a true Vikings helmet?!?!?! What the hell is going on here?!?!?
Yep. Mimosas are a must.
Really funny post! I constantly freak out about the cleanliness of my apartment now that all our baby friends are crawling or scooting. Suddenly, waiting two weeks for our cleaning lady to wash the floor seems gross when babies are licking their way across across the apartment. Oye vey. Then again, I don’t inspect other friends’ houses when we’re there (unless they are like, completely, obviously nasty), so we might be ok. :)
I am looking at my house the same way in preparation for a baby shower. I even thought about getting those safety plug things (even though I haven’t given birth yet, and however long it takes for a baby to get crawling and holding forks).
Give a fork to them as soon as they’re born. You never know when they’ll have to battle whole gaggle of copperheads for some divine reason.
Mom dating is so much harder than landing a partner. I once made from scratch vegan cupcakes for a group of moms because the whole “group dating” concept made me a bit crazypants. And you can tell if she’s a keeper judging by her reaction when you wear the viking helmet when you answer the door.