Are you thirsty?

I wrote this elsewhere and was amused with how it turned out. I’d recommend not reading it if you’re prone to thinking I might be an alcoholic or you are a member of the small group of people that like to think my twenties didn’t really exist. A friend asked for a drink recommendation… and I accidentally wrote a book.

I don’t think I have many drinks I don’t like. I like the classics, the G&T, the Old Fashioned, the Rusty Nail, the Dirty Martini.

I hate frozen drinks because I tended bar for ten years and they piss me off.

I like to have beer for dinner. Guinness, Newcastle, Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout.

But I also love cold, cold cheap beer outta a can when it’s hot outside. A Budweiser cold and a shot of Jack are like PB&J.

I love corn moonshine and think it is made of magic.

I don’t dig fruity drinks but I won’t turn one down. I like a Tequila Sunrise and a Sex on The Beach. I love Midori, but that is a secret I don’t share.
I don’t love drinks with milk but if I feel like one it’ sall that will satisfy me.

I love Tia Maria on the rocks or a nice snifter of Sambuca with three coffee beans, one for the Father, the Son and the Holy ghost.

I love Patron. Cold. No salt.

I like Kamikazes when I am out with my girlfriends.

I like Jaeger when I wanna get R.O.W.D.Y.

I like SoCo if I wanna slug room temp out of the bottle and take BHs and run around the house.

I like champagne on a weekend at sundown at the beach. Or Sunday morning.

I like to shotgun PBR with boys that think I am uptight.

I like kegs of cheap light beer but never Coors. I will not drink a beer out of a green bottle. I never drink Corona unless I am offered one at the beach.

I like Peroni. A lot.

I can pop a bottle top with a lighter and I have a pair of flip flops with a beer opener in the bottom and two belt buckles with one on the back. But I always forget I am wearing them.

I think the ritual of drinking is a lot of the enjoyment.

My first week behind the bar my boss told me figure out what color it is supposed to be and put in the right glass and it almost doesn’t matter what you put in it. This is more true than I care to admit, or at least when it comes to shooters.

I like potato vodkas. I won’t drink any liquor from a plastic bottle. And nothing made by Bowman’s.

I f’in love Wild Turkey. Two fingers, no ice And by two fingers I really mean three unless you wanna get right back up and make me another.

When a man orders “Just a Bud…” I skip him and get the next order. And later tell him when he respects his order I’ll get it for him. Because it is not “JUST a Bud.” It’s the King of Beer, dip$hit. Because U Deserve What Every Individual Should Enjoy Regularly.

I love a great Long Island Iced Tea. When ya wanna get LIT up. Secret, splash of Dr Pepper instead of Coke makes it that much better. I can make one with all 5 bottles at once tipped up, it’s impressive. Blue Motorcycle and a Green Dinosaur are weak alternatives, as you trade out real booze for liqueurs in my book. But a Walk Me Down Sweet Jesus (a LIT with Sprite and Blue Curacao) from Scarlett O’hara’s in St Augustine is delicious. SO delicious that on the third one you’ll likely forget that you lost your bathing suit top and your dress is mostly see through. And now I order one every time I am in Florida. And when I feel like gettin’ nekkid in public. Because it is so fun to order….

I don’t like Blow Jobs (heh) or shots with whipped cream or shots that are supposed to make you do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do, like simulate oral sex or lick strangers (body shots.) I like to just be crass. Why hide behind your drink?

Johnnie Walker Blue is better than cocaine. I used to say you shouldn’t blow coke unless you can do it through a hundred dollar bill. Unless you can afford to lose a hundred bucks you shouldn’t be doing it. And unless you plan on tipping the hell outta your bartender you shouldn’t be drinkin’ Johnnie Blue.

Which reminds me a Liquid Cocaine is a tasty drink, as is a Mind Eraser.

I love booze. And drunk people. And cold beer. And bars. And cocktail napkins. And swizzle sticks. And engraved shakers. And pretty litttle hip flasks.