I hate being divorced. It’s so stupid. It’s stupid that all of these years later it is still there.
I love where I am right now. I love my husband. I love my life and my children and my home. I can even confidently say that I love myself. And none of those things would be without my past. But I still hate it.
I hate that it makes me cry out of nowhere. I hate that it makes me feel like all of the things that should feel permanent might just disappear one day.
I hate it more now that we have come all the way out the other side. Last week when we sat on the beach and exchanged pleasantries, I hated every minute. When I realized that more time had passed since I had seen him than ever before in the last 18 years, I hated it. When we spoke last week and I said “how was your day?” and he laughed and said “not good” I hated that my heart seized up in my chest because I am so ready for all of his days to be “all good.” He deserves that much.
I hate that I don’t know where he works exactly or what the inside of his home looks like because I used to know everything, even things I wish I didn’t know.
It was easier when I got to say that I was divorced but that he was still my best friend because he was the person that knew me best. He was the person that had known me the longest. But the truth is, the last six years have changed us both so much that unless we are talking about “the good old days” (which we both know weren’t really very good at all most days) it is like talking to someone I just met.
If it is possible to stand side by side with someone and feel like it all happened to other people how can you not fear that the now, the present that you love so much could all just go up in smoke?
To recap: I love right now, today. And I loved yesterday and I am certain that I will love tomorrow. And in spite of the Fear that creeps up in me sometimes, I refuse to feel Doubt. I will smile and hold on and be 100% certain that I will love my life decades from now.
MQD made a wind chime this weekend. We talked about getting rocking chairs for the front porch and I smiled and teared up. I gave him a pair of rocking chairs when we had not been dating very long at all and said something cheesy about how it would be nice to sit and rock in them together one day a very, very long time from now. That was years ago and that pair of old rocking chairs never made it to our new house.
Even though I am divorced and even though that first pair of old rocking chairs rotted beyond repair – I still believe. It won’t be easy. And we might have more than a few pairs of rocking chairs in our future because it’s true, nothing lasts forever. But dammit, I won’t let hating my divorce keep me from loving my marriage. Because that doesn’t make any damn sense at all.
To second chances, spring time, windchimes and rocking chairs. To divorce and marriage and Love and tears and starting over. Cheers!
Edited to add: It’s strange that I am grieving now of all times. It was easier when it hurt all of the time. I understood that. This part, the part when it is ancient history is a whole new kind of hurt. J, it was really good to see you. It made me happy. And seeing you happy made me happy. And then it made me sad. Ugh. Miss me? Ha! -K
Damn. Ugh – I went through a divorce and it’s refreshing to read your thoughts on this and nice to know I’m not alone in some of my thoughts. Wishing you ALL the best!!
As always, beautifully, thoughtfully written. And what is it about Spring?! (Beautiful wind chime, too.)
Spring sprang sprung!! We need to get outside and get dirty and shake the cobwebs out!! :) Thank you, thank you for reading.
That makes sense… In relation to your post though my ex and I had been divorced for about 3 years and I was already engaged to the love of my life when the ex called me one day and said he was moving back I’m with his parents…. Sparing the long winded details the short of it is that he had not had any luck with finances jobs or women since me and he was starting over…. And I had a weekend long breakdown over this move and restart of his life… I ended up chalking it up to closure, but I feel this kind of relates…
Growing up is weird and hard. :) Emailing you.
I am amazed at this post. So full of honest feelings and enlightenment. It is almost like a mirror into my soul (that I have not been able to put into words) and resonates with me. While our situations are still a bit different, the similarities are striking. I am not quite divorced, but have been separated for over 2 1/2 years. We are still friends (but not really as much lately because his girlfriend won’t let us associate). I thought we would be together forever but what do we know. I am really going to try to embrace the here and now…and my future but it does hurt to let go!! Your writing really rocks Kelly, you are fantastic!
Thanks, Wendy. It has been a long road to learning to live in the moment and I still fall down. But I am working on it. Wishing you well, lady!
I think the long time hurt is the sense of mourning what never was. Even though you’re happy now, there is still a whole part of your life that “could/should have been” and that never goes away.
What a great post!
Thanks. For me it is not even about mourning what was or wasn’t but the weird feeling that it all happened to someone else. I experience a similar nostalgia when I go “home” or drive by an old haunt. Growing up is weird. And I think it might not ever end!! :)
Wow….6 years can’t believe that. I remember the day Em was born and the look on his face. I only know him thru you, good times & bad, the tears and OMG the laughs. You are who you are because of your past and why do you want to forget that? It has made you the strong , vibrant and loving person you are today. You are a compassionate , giving person and it sucks when you can’t help someone else be who you want or need them to be. That is not your failure it is just what happens. You can’t forget but you can forgive and you will always be there for him if he needs you as you have for me and I for you. So my friend….Hot Potato Hot Potato !!!!
Easter Blessings & jellybeans …love u
Hot potato!! Miss you much, we need to plan a trip. XO
A trip…sounds heavenly……
I can relate too, having been divorced less than a year at this point, and dealing with everything that means & feels like, while also loving my current life & partner, and feeling excited about the future.
Wow! Having just flirted so intimately with the path to divorce and being in a tooth-and-nail struggle to get off that path, this is a really powerful post. Thanks again for sharing so honestly and truthfully. This point of view reinforces my resolve in a very real way.
There is no denying that even when Divorce works out, even when you are all happier on the other side – it sucks so much. I am really glad that you dodged the bullet. Keep up the good fight! :)
We never got to finish talking about this, Kel. What I wanted to say, and didnât get the chance, was that thereâs an old wiveâs tale that says that your taste buds âreinventâ themselves about every seven years â you start liking things you used to abhor and stop eating your favorites from before.
Throughout our lives we reinvent ourselves, continue to grow and change, make new friends, find new jobs, love new people. Youâre doing it just right , Kelly. Finally, youâre beginning to stop holding onto every moment of your past like itâs crucial for your future, and youâre just letting go â to have more time and emotion to put into today.
Youâre doing it just right, Kelly, and Iâm so proud of all youâve accomplished, all youâve become. I never doubted you for a minute, even when I wasnât certain how the path you were on would get you where you wanted to be. And yet it did.
Everything we were makes us everything we are. And you are wonderful.
I love you. Mom
I think (never been divorced) that transitions can be hard because we have to accept (and feel) both the sadness and the joy – sometimes at the same time. I think a lot of life is like this, but it makes it tricky for our minds to sort out. Lovely post.
It is some bullshit when they sneak up on you six years later. Dang.
To believing there are third chances too. There have to be.
It’s strange that I am grieving now of all times. It was easier when it hurt all I the time. I understood that. This part, the part when it is ancient history is a whole new kind of hurt.
Being blindsided by reality hurts. I’ve been having that feeling a lot lately. Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in. Or really, it sounds like your relationship with your ex has reached a level of detachment you never thought it would. I think you’re totally allowed to grieve that loss. Best of luck. Maybe today will be an easier day.
It’s not even detachment. I think I just never thought it wouldn’t hurt all of the time. And I was so happy to see him, it was so easy. (PS – Hi, Jeremy! ;) ) Somehow the easiness of the now make me feel like it belittles the pain of yesteryear… and I know that isn’t sensible… but there it is.
I’m curious how your current husband feels about your admiration for your ex? I use to have a good relationship with my ex but because I knew my fiancé would not like us to be close I really barely even talk to him anymore. Just curious :)
We have a daughter together, so perhaps it is easier to accept that we are all one family?