I have had a dozen half written blog posts in my head for the last few days and little time to sit down and write them. As we fall in to a routine as a family, as I slowly return to my job and try to figure out how I will begin working from home, as I try to take whatever extra time I have and pour it in to Emily June…. writing, the most “selfish” thing I do is the first thing to fall by the wayside.
But I have to remind myself that it is the writing, the processing, the churning through my emotions and finding words to express them that has gotten me to this place where I feel so capable. Capable of being a wife, a mother of two, a full-time employee and still be me. I am finding the time to shower. To eat. I need to remember that it is the writing that makes me feel sane.
So here I sit. Trying to churn out a blog post that can follow my birth story. The support, the comments, the emails that I have received have left me feeling that way that a woman often feels when she receives a compliment. I’d like to shrug it off. Or make a sarcastic and self-deprecating joke to deflect. But I can’t.
Because I am proud of myself. And oddly… As excited as I am about this experience I’m having a hard time taking all the credit for it. Because it isn’t my birth story. It’s Lucy’s.
My mom always says that you can’t take credit for your kids successes or blame yourself for their failures. This is the single best piece of parenting advice that has ever been handed to me. When you boil it down it is a simple sentiment. Do the best you can. That’s it. The rest is on them.
I assembled the right team. I can be proud of that. I prepared myself mentally, emotionally and physically for the labor and delivery I had hoped to have. I can be proud of that.
But at the end of the day…. the beautiful, happy, healthy girl and her arrival in to this world…. that is the beginning of Lucy’s story. And only a very small part of mine. So, I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what exactly I did that day.
Sweet Lucy Quinn, I have told your sister that she made me a mother. I have told her this since she was small, thanking her for giving me the title for which I am the most grateful . While pregnant with you I would tell her that as hard as it will be to share me with a sibling she must never forget that no one will ever take away her claim to being the one that made me a mom. Emily June made me a mother. And I was proud of that. I am proud of that.
But you, little Lucy, you made me know in my heart of hearts that I can do the tough stuff.
I walked away from my life once. And it was tough. But I had to. I did it for Emily. She gave me the strength and the courage to do that.
But this hard thing, this unmedicated birth, it was my marathon, my Iron Man, my mountain climb, my backpacking trip around the world. While I believe there is sufficient evidence to prove that an unmedicated birth has benefits to the baby, that was not my motivation behind choosing this path.
I just wanted to know that I can do hard things. For me. So while our birth story might be just one day in my thirty-five years, it changed me.
Lucy, my sweet Lucy…. you’ve made me so proud. Of me. This is a tremendous gift you’ve given me.
Sweet Lucy Quinn, who burst in to the world with your fist raised. You are a champ. A fighter. I can see it in your determined little scowl, the way you hold your head while you nurse. You’re gonna be one tough cookie, I think.
But so is your Mom.