Sometimes there is a deep, dark truth that can only be set free if I speak it out loud.
No matter how happy my marriage, no matter how strong my sense of self, I want to be seen as a sexually viable woman. I want to be seen as a Woman. And for me that includes being seen as a sexual creature.
Nothing makes me feel more invisible than being a Mother. The thing that makes me the most proud, that defines me in many respects, it also makes me feel like no one can see me at all.
I don’t want to be hit on by everyone I walk by. I just want to be a player in the game. That silent game that only the very drunk or the very crass admit to playing. If s/he was the last wo/man on earth would I or wouldn’t I? I am not the only person that does that, right? It is human. Or so I tell myself so I don’t feel like a dirtball while I quietly eyeball the creeps at the gas station and everyone else I walk by.
There is only one man. If you rule out children and men old enough to be my father, there’s just one man that can speak his mind without bruising my ego. Because I never factored in to his silent game of would I or wouldn’t I?
I hope you have a brother. If you get a Mom haircut only your brother can tell you as much and live to see another day.
I am facing my fears today.
I have a mom haircut. I am saying it out loud before someone else has the chance (aside from my brother, of course, who never fails to shoot it to me straight.)
So there. I have Mom hair. P.S. – I have two kids and I probably have puke on my shirt, too. And I own it. I might even attempt to work it. Because it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense that being a mother takes me out of the game. You’re all aware of what I did to end up a parent in the first place, right?
Motherhood really shouldn’t make you un-sexy. I kind of think keeping humans alive, making three meals a day, having clean underwear on and keeping a smile on my face makes me one bad motherfucker. And what’s hotter than a bad motherfucker? (I realize that is a weird choice of words there, but that’s how I feel. Like the Samuel L Jackson of motherhood.)
Last night Emily and I had “the talk.” She was fed up with the vague explanation of part of a woman’s body and part of a man’s body joining together and magically making a baby. So, I asked her. “Do you want me to tell you exactly what happens? Because I will. I will always be honest with you.”
I explained it. Pretty simply. She knew where a baby came from. She damn near saw Lucy being born so it didn’t take a lot of explaining to get the rest of it figured it out. “Do you have any questions? That’s pretty much how babies are made, Em.”
She was quiet for a bit. “But I don’t understand. You and dad had a baby and you don’t ever do that?” I laughed.
“Well, not in front of you.” She just shook her head and smiled, embarrassed .
Last night I told my seven year old that I do the deed. And today I thought I’d tell the rest of you. Me and my Mom hair? We totally have this shit going ON. It’s gonna take more than Mom hair and a nursing bra to knock me out of the game. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Tyler Perry told us how Stella got her groove back. Me? Shit, girl, I ain’t never lost it. It’s gonna take more than mom hair to knock me down.