The shittiest part about being a person that is capable of feeling great joy, about being a person that “loves right NOW” is that I am also so capable of feeling quite the opposite.
I woke up today feeling about an inch tall. Like somehow I managed to undo every bit of hard work and goodness I’ve been wrangling in to my corner all week. I’ve much to look forward to this weekend. But even that is no match for waking up with that feeling like you wish you were anyone but you. I tried to finagle a hug out of the little lady but she wasn’t interested this morning. I contemplated calling in to work and just staying in bed all day but that would have contributed to my feelings of worthlessness. My mom used to call them mental health days. She said that everyone had days where they felt like “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.” I’m thinking worms won’t cut it. Peanut M&Ms are my go-to “I feel like I need a pick me up” food. But I didn’t buy them this morning. Because it might have improved my foul mood.
And I wore a shirt I fucking hate today. And every time I look down I think why the fuck do I even own this shirt, much less put it on my body. I feel like my skin is on inside out and every thing I brush up against hurts. I’m giving myself until 10 am to wallow and then I’m considering the wearing of this god awful shirt punishment enough.
Some days you reach for the stars, you want to change the world and be the best self you can be. Other days you just wanna “stay alive.” In the middle of my pity party I accidentally got a good laugh. I uploaded a video of Emily rockin’ out to this ridiculous metal Bee Gees cover band. Once I’d formulated the second sentence in this paragraph it seemed fitting. And I couldn’t remember the name of the band. Tragedy. Of fucking course. Way to mock my bad mood fucking disco metal cover band.
Oh man, you’re a hot mess when you can’t even wallow in your bad mood without fucking up. Without further ado… my lady… She’s Stayin’ Alive. I suppose I will, too….