Monthly Archives: July 2010

Day 3

Posted on July 22, 2010 | 1 comment

Day 3: Today throw something away that you like.

Well, fuck me. Yesterday was a breeze and today? Not so much. As soon as I read the challenge I knew it had to be a pair of shoes. Recently in my home there was a heated discussion regarding amount of space my shoes occupy in our home. It is a little bit out of control, I admit. To the point that I have an extended bonus shoe area in our laundry room for the shoes that rarely make it on to my feet but that I simply can not part with at this time. And my out of season shoes. And my only occasionally needed for costumes or super fun times shoes. See? I’m making excuses already.

So, this morning I went in to the laundry room and took a long cold look. I decided that when I lived at the beach perhaps it was necessary to have 8 pairs of flip flops. More than necessary. I even have flip flops whose entire purpose was to wear when I thought I might get tanked and lose them. Since I no longer live at the beach and only very, very rarely get intoxicated enough to lose my footwear (or at least I don’t leave my house anymore, so these shoes are not necessary!) I elected to let go of a very nice, very serviceable pair of black reef flip flops.

I put them in my car and on the way to the dentist I stopped here.

Before I said goodbye to my flipflops I was sad…

And then I remembered that it was probably meant to be. After all the really fucking fabulous pair of RED (who the fuck throws away RED shoes EVER??? Whether they fit or NOT!!!!!) wedge Steve Madden sandals that haven’t fit since I was four months pregnant were already in there. I threw them in the other day. The same day I cleared another shelf on the shoe shelf in our closet for MQD’s shoes. I haven’t worn those shoes in 7 years. They have lived in four homes, had a husband, a baby, a divorce and two different boyfriends and they still hadn’t seen the light of day. It was time to set them free. Fair. But these flip flops? I wore them just last summer. They knew what was going on. But I found solace in knowing that perhaps they’d recognize the Steve Maddens. And I felt a little better.

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Day 2: Today was made for me…

Posted on July 21, 2010 | 1 comment

Day 2: The love of your life
Today, gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever…Act in consequence.

tell me love has always scared you
like the things under your bed
baby we can walk on water
like some junkies swore they did
you call me on the phone
you say that it is crucial
stick your fingers in your ears till they explode
mind his business and roll along as usual

we must grab eachothers collar
rise out of the water
to know as well as i do and
it’s no fun to die alone

after all that i’ve been through
your the only one that matters
(climb to safety)

“Act in consequence” says today’s challenge. I kinda feel like I get a free pass today. I guess I needed a pat on the back today, I can’t think of any other reason why the day two challenge would not seem like much of a challenge to me at all. I have never not wondered whether or not the person/place/food/cigarette in front of me at that moment in time might be the very best, the very last, the very one meant for me. It’s what I do. I love freely. And this is my favorite thing about me. Love makes me feel safe. Not being loved but loving. And not just people.

When I was younger and frequently “enhancing” my day to day activities I used to be well known for stopping everything and proclaiming “I LOVE RIGHT NOW!” just to make sure the people, the place, the mac and cheese, the cold beer all knew that I’d change NOTHING about this moment, that I loved it. And in turn I loved me. Because I was the mastermind that made RIGHT NOW happen, right?

Something about momming it up has me focusing too much of my love out and not in. I love Em so fiercely that I forget to stop and love RIGHT NOW and the me that made it happen. Working on that.

So today, in part because I only have seen three other people today as of this writing (MQD, Em and my boss’s son) I decided to try and stop and think about a few RIGHT NOWs. And I loved every god damn one of them.

A sampling…. 8:05 am, my kitchen smelled like coffee and I perfectly peeled a hardboiled egg. A small victory. But I fucking love that. 9:27 am, I ate that egg and the inside was not at all green. I really fucking love that. And the insides of several others made at the same time ARE green. SO THIS egg was meant to be mine. 12:20 I found an open source software to solve my work-related problem. Umm, FREE solution to a problem. Yeah, I fuckgin love that! HAHA 1:18, I typed fucking “fuckgin” and that is one of my favorite typos!! I LOVE RIGHT NOW.

Loving right now is as easy as I remember. I am going to fall in love all over again with right now over and over. And try not to let it be so infrequent.

Exhibit A: Me, loving the shit out of RIGHT NOW, my tiara, my POS convertible, my roommate, my pajamas, my Guiness tshirt that said PISSED.

And so as to not skirt the original assignment all together. Am I hopelessly in love with my boss’ son? Nope. I am wildly jealous of the fact that he just bought a school bus, converted it in to an RV/mobile recording studio and almost always smells like grass, yes, but jealousy and a sweet motherfucking schoolbus but does not true love make.

Am I head over heels for my little lady? Guilty as charged. If there is any Order to this Universe it was that Order that brought her to me. She saved me. Time and again she saves me…

And the really very scary answer to the actual question. Yeah… MQD is pretty much the One. And am I passing him by? Not at all. Am I failing to trust him sometimes because of my heaps and heaps of baggage? Not anymore. This morning’s long overdue honest conversation assured me of that. 21 months ago he looked at me like this and I started falling, fearlessly falling and yet somehow forgetting to love all the RIGHT NOWs that have transpired between now and then…. I won’t be forgetting anymore.

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Day One

Posted on July 20, 2010 | 4 comments

Day One: of this challenge

Do One Press Up.
This is noteworthy because I have been on gym hiatus. I woke up this morning thinking I needed to get my shit together. Then I checked my email from my bed, a nasty habit, I admit, and there in front of my eyes was the first line of the first challenge. “Do One Press Up.” Today was gonna be “Get your shit together and stop acting like big damn crybaby” Day anyway, so this seemed like a good enough place to start. I just did one push up on the floor in my office and I felt awesome. I put myself on gym hiatus because I’d started experiencing a lot of joint pain from insisting I run everyday, from pushing myself too hard. I knew I was gettign a little obsessive and I needed a break. To check myself and make sure that I was really being healthy and not romancing my old nasty habits of being psychotic about my weight. So yeah.. a break was needed. But not one this long. So today, one push up and a yoga class if I can get my ass back to the gym. And maybe an effort to revisit the way I look at my gym “addiction.” Maybe I am just addicted to feeling awesome. Maybe I am addicted to an hour of shitty 80’s hair metal, or Girl Talk or watching 6 am CNN. But I think it is probably to feeling like a fucking BadAss. Because one push up later, I am smiling more than I have in ten days. And I know it didn’t just make me magically thinner. It just made me magically more awesome.

Decide which one of your toes is the prettiest.
My second toe on my right foot is my favorite. Because it is the longest and the thinnest, of course. I realize that I am sounding like a 17 year old girl and you might very well be thinking “Dude, this isn’t a fucking therapy session, honey, getchyerself the latest Cosmo and write them a letter, k?” But I thought this whole exercise would be more valuable if I was honest. With myself. And consequently with y’all. I don’t spend a lot of time in this place in my head but it is where I am today. In my 17 year old head…. it’s not that awesome…. so yeah, I like that toe. And it’s my toe that makes me an 11 in some shoes, which qualifies me to feel like a drag queen on occasion, a feeling I secretly enjoy.

Leave work five minutes early.
I am a nut about timeliness. I am never late to work. And I always stay 4 minutes past 5. Today I plan to vamooose at 4:55. I know. I am a fucking wild woman. If i leave “early” I have no excuse not to get out the door to yoga tonight. I had a nine minute jump start on my night, yo.

And just an added reminder to myself…. this is the 17 year old’s head I live inside. She was a helluva girl. Still is. Even when I feel like nothing will be good enough I remind myself that every day is a new one. And that 17 year old girl is watching me. And I know enough now to take better care of her now than I did then….