Let’s talk about crotch sweat, baby…. Did I lose you? It was a better hook when Salt-n-Pepa invited you to talk about sex, baby, in 1990. But I don’t want to talk about sex. I want to talk crotch sweat.
Yesterday morning I posted to Facebook about catching hell from the wee one about my running skirt. ”Your running skirt is too short when your 21 month old stops you at the door with a grimace and says “Mama, go?? Go?? Pants!!! Pants ON!” Evidently she thought I needed pants. It was funny. Not hilarious. But a momentary “Ha!” so I quickly posted it as I hopped in the car on my way to the gym. By the time I got to the gym the post had several comments. Most of them of the “running skirt, huh?” variety.
As the day wore on I got a few more questions. I contemplated a “Running Skirts: Not Just for the Stepford Wives at the Tennis Club” kind of post. But then I realized I had a civic duty to break it down. There were gals out there (and dudes, I suppose. Hello, dudes, that do not run the opposite direction at the mention of crotch sweat. Umm. Yeah.) I owed it to these folks not to write a tongue-in-cheek answer.
So. Here we are.
Where do I start? The running skirt rules. Let me tell you why.
- Chub Rub. Nobody wants it. Unless you are a young gal or a lucky gal your thighs probably touch. This is not a huge problem when you are just casually walking down the street in a skirt. But start hustling? Yowza. You’ve got chub rub in no time. And once you’ve got it – it’s harder to get rid of than poison ivy. You think it’s gone and Boom! It’s back. You feel the burn.
- Compression shorts. They prevent the chub rub but they are not actually a fashion statement. Compressing the chub is not really … attractive. Unless your compression pants go down to your ankles they have to stop somewhere, right? And where they stop your body comes shooting out as if to shout “You can’t restrain me!! Here I am, I am your chub!!” The running skirt allows for compression shorts that no one has to see!
- Conceal the sweat. I sweat. Kind of a lot. I sweat on my face and my back and my head. I have been known to throw my hat at Emily after a long run just to hear her shriek “It’s soaking wet!!!” What I do not throw at anyone after a long run is my crotch. Sweat has a tendency to roll down the body, right? No matter where the moisture starts, whether it is from my head or my face or ample bazooms it seems to follow a path straight for my crotch. Have you ever seen one of those women that looks like she might have peed in her pants? Yeah. She is probably just sweaty. But it’s not all that cute. Because it looks like pee. And like crotch sweat. (I am going to say that a million more times to guarantee that when you google “crotch sweat” I come up. Because, really, we all have to have a goal, right?) So, the running skirt provides a perfect way to hide the sweat.
- Pee. Have you ever had a baby? I have had two. I am in a lucky minority. I can jump rope without peeing my pants. In fact ,just yesterday afternoon I exploded a jump rope at the gym. I like to do a tabata cycle of alternating jumping rope and burpees. It pretty much sucks but it is a good way to crank up your heart rate in four minutes. The whole time I jump rope I think “Don’tpeeDon’tpeeDon’tpee” and I contract my pelvic floor. (The entire time I do burpees I think “ThisfuckingsucksThisfuckingsucksThisfuckingsucks” but that has nothing to do with peeing my pants or babies. So, ladies, if you think you might pee a little – the running skirt is your friend. In fact, if I ever develop a post-partum exercise gear fashion line that will be my running skirt sales pitch – Running Skirts: They Hide the Pee.
- Lastly, I promise it really is the last reason – The Cute.
Yep. Like I need extra pep.
What’s up Crotch Sweat? Oh hey, Chub, how you doin? I barely noticed you there underneath that adorable running skirt.
Running skirts deliver. They work. They just do. I resisted for a while. I thought they’d made me look like I was heading to the tennis club with Fifi and Mimsy for an afternoon smoothie and maybe we’d make it out to the tennis court. ”Match point, Heather!”
I’m not a girl that wants to look cute at the gym. I’m not strong enough or fast enough to mingle with the hardcore gym rats, the least I can do is not look like I have no intention of sweating.
So, now you know my secret. The running skirt is my secret weapon. Because I sweat like … a whore in church. (When you’ve already said “crotch sweat” nine million times you don’t have to search for a simile that is not offensive. )
There’s the sweat. And yesterday’s eyeliner because I am not old enough to wash my face before I go to bed yet. I quit smoking and I exercise and I stopped drinking Bud Light all the live long day. One day I will moisturize and regularly wash my face.
And stop saying things like “crotch sweat” on the internet. One day. I promise.