Believe it or not, I have secrets. Well. A secret. Maybe.
I was pregnant with Emily before I farted in front of my ex-husband. We had been together for almost nine years. I don’t suppose it changed how he felt about me. Were it not for the day after Emily was born when I ran up the stairs with my arms over my head like Rocky Balboa crying out “Yes!!!! I did it and I did not bust my stitches!!” he might still believe that I do not, in fact, poop, at all.
Somehow even as “take me as I am” as I was in my twenties it was still important to me to be a girl that does not poop. You’re thinking that isn’t really something to be proud of? I guess it’s not.
But I can tell you what is. I have been pregnant for 81 weeks. Two vaginal births. I have gained and lost a total of more than 70 pounds. I have two beautiful children one of whom was just shy of ten pounds at birth. And I have never ever had a hemorrhoid. Never.
In my thirties I have been more relaxed. I poop with the door open. My husband and I have no secrets. He would argue that he has no privacy but I prefer to think of it as no secrets.
But now? Now I think we might have a secret. But I’m not sure.
I might not be the woman he married anymore. I might not even be the woman I was just a few days ago. I might have a secret. I might have a hemorrhoid.
Do I find a support group? Am I forever a changed woman? Is something wrong with me that I am more upset about losing my title as The Woman That Never Had a Hemorrhoid than I am about actually maybe possibly having one?
This morning as I kissed my sweet husband good morning I could stand it no longer. “I have to tell you something. This weekend I pooped a football and now I think I have a hemorrhoid.”
He knew I was embarrassed. He didn’t laugh at me. ”Ok. Did you buy Preparation H?”
“Are you using it?” Dammit, he knows me too well.
I shook my head. “I’m in denial.”
“Use the cream and you never have to bring it up again.” Sweet man. He was giving me an out. He was going to let this be our secret.
“I might tell the Internet.”
I don’t know what I want you to do with this information. I just can’t live a lie. I am not the woman I used to be. I don’t think. I mean, I’m not really sure. You didn’t think I was going to check, did you? Sheesh.