I have fallen in love quite a few times. I love to fall in love. My heart beats fast and my arms go numb. Falling in love is exhilarating.
Falling in love happens long before loving someone. When you are in love the possibility exists that you will fall out. You will grow and change or feelings will get hurt and hearts broken. But when you love someone you love them forever, day in and day out for the rest of all time. You can count on them and they count on you and you know that no matter what ever happens in your lives you will love one another. Forever.
I fell in love with Lucy when I felt the top of her head. It was early in the morning on January 20, 2012. She was not quite yet born. I felt her head and she slipped back inside me. I wept. I called to her. ”Please, baby, please…” I was desperately in love with her in that moment and I needed to hold her to feel my arms around her. I had fallen in love in a moment’s time. And I have been falling for almost a year.
This morning it changed.
She was sitting on the floor, playing with her pile of noisy stuff. She was jabbering to herself. I was sewing Christmas ornaments. She turned and she looked at me. She smiled and looked back at her things. All she did is smile. But in that moment everything changed.
A few times a day I will say to Emily “Hey, you know what?” and she turns to me and smiles or occasionally smirks and says “You love me?” and I nod.
Sometimes MQD will hand me a cup of coffee and instead of “Thank you” I say “I love you” and what I mean is not just thank you for this cup of coffee but “thank you and I love you and I will love you for the rest of all time.”
And this morning when Lucy looked at me it happened. The hair stood up on my arms and I realized I loved her. Forever. Not my baby Lucy Q that is sweet and warm and sleeps in my arms. But this person. This tiny person that will slam her bedroom door some day and break my heart in a thousand ways, I love her.
Little Lucy Quinn, today you are a baby but you won’t be one forever. In a little over a month you will be a year old and you will officially be a toddler, although you have been toddling around for well over a month now. Today it struck me that you are already becoming the little girl that you will be in no time. You looked up at me from your pile of noisy stuff and I said “I love you” and you smiled.
And the hair stood up on my arms and I realized that I will love you until the end of all time. You’re really here. Forever. You are my daughter. Yesterday I had a daughter and a baby and today I realized that I have two daughters. You are this tiny person that I love.
No picture today. I can’t pick one that captures this moment. But I won’t ever forget it. It took me eleven months to realize that my baby is here to stay. I won’t forget it.