I have two daughters. I just realized that today.

I have fallen in love quite a few times.  I love to fall in love.  My heart beats fast and my arms go numb.  Falling in love is exhilarating.

Falling in love happens long before loving someone.  When you are in love the possibility exists that you will fall out.  You will grow and change or feelings will get hurt and hearts broken.  But when you love someone you love them forever, day in and day out for the rest of all time.  You can count on them and they count on you and you know that no matter what ever happens in your lives you will love one another.  Forever.

I fell in love with Lucy when I felt the top of her head.  It was early in the morning on January 20, 2012.  She was not quite yet born.  I felt her head and she slipped back inside me.  I wept.  I called to her.  “Please, baby, please…” I was desperately in love with her in that moment and I needed to hold her to feel my arms around her. I had fallen in love in a moment’s time.  And I have been falling for almost a year.

This morning it changed.

She was sitting on the floor, playing with her pile of noisy stuff.  She was jabbering to herself.  I was sewing Christmas ornaments.  She turned and she looked at me.  She smiled and looked back at her things.  All she did is smile.  But in that moment everything changed.

A few times a day I will say to Emily “Hey, you know what?” and she turns to me and smiles or occasionally smirks and says “You love me?” and I nod.

Sometimes MQD will hand me a cup of coffee and instead of “Thank you” I say “I love you” and what I mean is not just thank you for this cup of coffee but “thank you and I love you and I will love you for the rest of all time.”

And this morning when Lucy looked at me it happened.  The hair stood up on my arms and I realized I loved her.  Forever.  Not my baby Lucy Q that is sweet and warm and sleeps in my arms.  But this person.  This tiny person that will slam her bedroom door some day and break my heart in a thousand ways, I love her.

Little Lucy Quinn, today you are a baby but you won’t be one forever.  In a little over a month you will be a year old and you will officially be a toddler, although you have been toddling around for well over a month now.  Today it struck me that you are already becoming the little girl that you will be in no time.  You looked up at me from your pile of noisy stuff and I said “I love you” and you smiled.

And the hair stood up on my arms and I realized that I will love you until the end of all time.  You’re really here.  Forever.  You are my daughter.  Yesterday I had a daughter and a baby and today I realized that I have two daughters.  You are this tiny person that I love.

No picture today.  I can’t pick one that captures this moment.  But I won’t ever forget it.  It took me eleven months to realize that my baby is here to stay.  I won’t forget it.

 

33 responses to “I have two daughters. I just realized that today.

  1. Because you once had 80′s bangs, I have nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. Merry Freakin’ Christmas! http://fatbottomgirlsaidwhat.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/i-never-win-nothin/

  2. Absolutely beautiful and honest. Thank you.

  3. Having some difficulties keeping my chin up during this holiday season, you TOTALLY just reminded me what’s important and what to let fall away. There’s nothing better than falling in love with your kid…mine are 7 and 15 (you’re gonna love 15, btw, I’ve got a couple of posts about my teenage girl) and now that you made me think about it, I fall in love with them still. THANKS for the wake up call!

    • Far be it from me to discourage someone from wallowing. I can wallow with the best of them, friend. But there comes a time to fake it ’til you make it. Chin up. Thanks for stopping by.

  4. As a first-time father with a baby girl who is rapidly approaching the one-year mark, it sure got dusty in here near the end of your post. Great writing.

  5. so so so sweet. so lovely. thank you. kids are great. work, but totally worth it. :)

  6. Beautiful and perfect. No picture could capture this.

  7. Aww … I’m so very touched. I feel those words when I look at my 9 year old son. Thank you for expressing what I’m feeling.

  8. I love the way you write…
    Such a sweet time.

  9. My mom always does that, the, “Have I told you today…” and I respond with, “That you love me?” :) Mothers and daughters have special relationships ^.^

  10. Yeah for daughters. Yeah for love. Yeah for falling.

  11. My hubs and I have these moments, while watching our son be awesome, where we’ll just smile at each other with our eyes and there are no words. You gave words to that kind of moment. Thank you!

  12. I love this so much. I feel the love of my baby and the love of this little person (and who he is growing up to be) fill very different (and yet, the same) parts of my heart. Thanks for sharing!

  13. I didn’t only read this, but I felt it. What a beautiful moment you shared with your daughter. I hope that when she is a bit older, maybe in her rebellious teenage years, you will share this piece with her as a reminder of your everlasting love. Beautiful.

    x melissa little

  14. This is the kind of things that only a mother knows and is capable of feeling.
    Really sweet.

  15. This was so beautiful. Your words match my heart even so many years later when my daughter is slamming her door. I been very melancholy lately over this subject of time and love. Beautiful.

  16. Dammit! I am incapable of reading your blog without tearing up! SO SWEET!

  17. Sweet, young mother love. ;) But seriously, very sweet.

  18. This is beautiful. BTW, my mother used to make ornaments and she enlisted all of us kids (three) to help. I have very fond memories of our ornament making parties.

  19. Your emotions through the vehicle of words…are heartfelt and…true. True in every sense of definition. You are just at the very beginning of this love-fest…it lasts a very long time. Believe me. Hold tight….

  20. Beautiful. But….SEWING Christmas ornaments…what the….you slid that one in there didn’t ya….I caught it….great….do I have to SEW something too? (-:

Gimme some love!! Please?

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