MQD took the day off of work today “to spend some time with the family.” I am not sure this is what he had in mind.
“I’m glad you’re gonna be home. We need to get Halloween put back up in the attic and I am going to clean out the upstairs closet. And since you’re home will you take a picture of my butt in all of these jeans?” I point at the big pile of jeans on my bed.
Instead of raising an eyebrow and asking me “Is this what you do all day while I am at work?” He kicked back on the bed in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas and waited for me to drop my pants. That sounds like Sexy Time right there, no?
Yesterday I decided to Keep, Trash and Donate one item every day for the month of November. I shall call today day one and day two since I am keeping, trashing and donating more than a few pairs. I am keeping 13, tossing 2 and donating 9 pairs.
I shall spare you all the details and just deliver the highlights of what I learned today.
1. Turns out I had only 24 pairs of jeans total. I am a gross exaggerator with zero credibility now. I do not have 30 pairs of jeans after all, not of the too small or the too big variety.
2. What I do have are lots of hugely unflattering jeans in various sizes for various reasons all stemming from the fact that I have had two children and I never throw out a pair of jeans. Exhibit A. Let me present to you I Have The Same Jeans in Three Different Sizes. Here they are in descending size.
I pulled off the jeans in the top picture and said “These are obviously too big and make me have a totally flat ass.” MQD agreed. It stung a little.
This was the first pair I tried on and I was starting to doubt the wisdom of asking him to help me with this task. But he didn’t just stop there. ”Yeah, it’s like you stuck a cutting board in your pants.” A FUCKING CUTTING BOARD. Moving on…
3. When you have a baby and you plan to breastfeed that baby willy nilly all around the town you make peace with the fact that people will see your knockers. You (if you are me) never really love the fact that people will see your stretchmarks and your gelatinous gut. You like to save that for showing the entire Interwebz. So you purchase an assortment of strangely high-waisted jeans that give you SADDLE BAGS.
This was a discovery I just made this morning. Three of these four pairs will be donated. The fourth will be going in the trash as the bottoms are terribly frayed. I know, I should upcycle them and make a purse and a coozie and a lampshade but it isn’t called Keep Donate and Make Some Ugly Shit You Found a Tutorial For On Pinterest. Exhibit B: Mom Jeans – More Unsightly Than I Knew
To the people of North Carolina, I may force you to see my stomach while I nurse my baby but I will no longer subject you to the saddle bags created by my Mom Jeans that pretend they are not Mom Jeans just because they are Lucky or some other decent brand.
4. I am a really lucky girl and I am in a way better head space than I even knew. My husband nodded in agreement while I said “these look awful on me” and I did not throw something at him. Perhaps just because he was hiding behind the baby. But I’m calling it progress.
Stay tuned to see what I Keep Trash and Donate tomorrow. I can’t promise more ass pictures. Not until I get myself a new pair of jeans anyway.