Day 59′s challenge asks you if you have psychic powers, and suggests you try and move an object with your mind. I have been writing this post in my head for a week, but I couldn’t quite post it. Because it wasn’t and still isn’t wholly true. I was going to use my “psychic powers” to lift the big black cloud that is hanging over my head. And I thought for a day or two I had done it… but nope. Back in full force. The holidays are hard on everyone, nothing new there. I am staying home this year, with MQD and Em and I am thrilled to begin anew, new nuclear family holiday, new traditions. But I am sad all at the same time, sad that I will be missing my family, sad that MQD will be missing his, worried that the Christmas we make for Em will not be “enough.” Even though I know, cognitively, that makes no sense at all. She has only a few years of Christmas expectations, I have thirty some and it is me that I fear disappointing.
Something about walking around feeling like you have it all for a few weeks… I suppose the letdown of “holy shit, is this it?” is inevitable. But I don’t even know if that’s it. I am just cranky. Blue. Sad. Irritable. Part of MQD’s christmas present says it has been delivered, according to Amazon and it’s not here. So I cried. And resisted the temptation to break shit. That’s not like me. I roll with it. That’s what I do. But underneath the sad and the scared and the insecure and the holy-fuck-it’s-freezing is something else… and I can’t seem to tease it out. It feels like anger. Or at least that is how it is manifesting. I am being short, snippy, rude to the people I love the most while I maintain my cheery disposition for everyone else.
I carried this feeling for ages in my twenties, that no matter what was happening on the surface, underneath I was unsettled. Fearful. Sad. I am angry with myself now for feeling robbed of enjoying this time. A time when I have nothing but love and joy surrounding me… how dare I rob myself and those around me of that? It is self-indulgent and childish, and I so wish I could just “get over it.” But to someone who has never felt it, it is impossible to explain. It’s like being nauseous. When you know you won’t really puke. Only I feel like I might burst in to tears. I am constantly choking it back.
And in case all this drivel wasn’t whiny enough my back is aching daily again. It makes me feel old and broken and impatient. So the radio silence of late… I don’t have much to report.
So what am I going to do about it?
- Get some exercise again. Regularly. Move the blood. Maybe it’s silly, but I can’t help but feel like when I have no energy or bad energy that moving it all around will help reorganize things in that old body of mine.
- Mind my mouth, keep at this. At least now I hear it, and I apologize immediately. Next step, just shut the fuck up if I have nothing nice to say.
And with all the psychic power I can muster… I am gonna try and move this out
and see more of this.
Ahhh, but at least I have my sense of humor. When all else fails… at least I can laugh at myself. What song is playing?
Try to stop my hands from shaking
Something in my mind’s not making sense
It’s been awhile since we’ve been all alone
I can’t hide the way I’m feeling
As you leave me, please, would you close the door
And don’t forget what I told you
Just cause you’re right, that don’t mean I’m wrong, another shoulder to cry upon…
Sad state of affairs when your problems are so simply spelled out by a 1986 Billboard hit.
But it’s true. I don’t “want to lose your love” and it has “been awhile since we’ve been alone.” I don’t expect MQD to fix it. And I thank him regularly for his patience. I know he didn’t “do this.” But he fell in love with me just the way I was, which was sad, impatient, broken and scared. I need to remember I was also hopeful, renewed, optimistic… even then. I’ve come so far. Now is no time to go backwards. One foot in front of the other. And if I am angry… I am angry with myself. For not being mindful of the joy and the love that I live every day.
I think if I can attack #1 (exercise) with a vengeance and really focus on #3 (trust) that #2 (my shitty disposition and accompanying smart mouth) will solve itself. And then maybe I can land a Date with that sweet boy that asked me to marry him. And sit back, with a smile on my face, my little lady asleep upstairs with visions of sugarplums dancing in her head, and start getting my Christmas on. Because seriously, Bad Mood, roll out. I don’t have time for you now.